Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Will Power and God's Timing

      Prayers have been answered! I'm finally feeling like myself again and the feeling of being "normal" is such a blessing. After being threatened with a feeding tube by my doctor in Texas I began forcing myself to eat and drink the nutritional drink, Boost. I am realizing more and more the amount of will power the Lord has blessed me with lately. As the days passed I began eating and drinking so much more than usual. I saw the feeding tube as one more thing I would have to endure, and I was determined to avoid it if at all possible. My radiation oncologist had explained to mama and me (I had already figured this out) that it's harder than it sounds. Trying to drink five or six Boosts a day and/or receive the proper amount of nutrients and calories to help me recover and gain some weight is not as easy as it sounds. You're practically eating/drinking every waking hour of the day. It's like a full time job. I was glad my doctor emphasized this struggle because once again nobody understands until they are in this position. People, including myself before having cancer, think gaining weight is easy and fun, but it's just as difficult, if not more difficult, than trying to lose excess pounds. Anyway, as I started eating and drinking more my appetite began coming back as well as increasing. By the next week I felt like I was eating everything in sight and I was able to handle the Boosts without gagging. Such progress! I had finally gained a couple pounds which proved to my doctor that a feeding tube wouldn't be necessary. I am so thankful the Lord brought me to this point. It just had to be in His timing. Due to my increase in calories and nutrients my wishes in "Pray Through the Process" were granted. My energy level increased a ton. I was no longer sleeping until lunchtime and then napping all afternoon. I was up and moving around. A friend of mine even pointed out that I had walked around The Woodlands Mall instead of being pushed in a wheelchair. Such an accomplishment! Lately I'm truly realizing that it's the little things that mean so much! The Lord has held my hand every step of the way. He was by my side when my family and I picked up and moved to a strange city where we didn't know anyone. He was there with His arms around me when my first two rounds of chemo didn't work. He was constantly present when I stayed a week in the hospital and it seemed like I was never going to get better. He was there when we received bad news and good news, and He was there when we found out I was healed. He knew all along what all I would endure, the friends and relationships we would make in Texas, and how everything would turn out. After all, He is the Ultimate Healer so who else would know when I would finally be healed. All in His timing, which can be such a struggle for me. Either way I am thankful for His blessings, His promises, and His healing!

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you." -1 Peter 5:10

"Focus on how far you've come, not how far you have to go."

"Faith isn't hoping God can, it is knowing He will."

"I am a God who heals. I heal broken bodies, broken minds, broken hearts, broken lives, and broken relationships." -Jesus Calling


Miracle # One-Thousand & One

      After over a week of ups and downs mama and I are finally back home, and bringing good news with us! We left for Texas over two weeks ago so I could have a PET scan and a check up with my doctors at MD Anderson. I had the scan on a Tuesday morning and met with my doctors that Thursday to receive the results. On that Thursday afternoon my first doctor, the surgeon, came in and said she wanted to check my neck herself before telling me how the scan looked. Let's just say I'm not a fan of that method considering I'm anxious and am practically holding my breath until I hear the results from the scan. My surgeon felt of my neck for a few minutes, then sat down and told me the last thing I wanted to hear. Two lymph nodes in my neck had lit up on the PET scan, which means they could contain cancer cells. She explained that it may or may not be cancer still left in my body, but the only way to know for sure is to do an ultrasound biopsy. Before we had left Texas last time, in late July after I found out that my CT scan showed that the chemo and radiation regimen had been successful, my team of doctors explained how my lymph modes were calcified and were so damaged and hardened from treatment that they were difficult to see, thus the need for the PET scan. My surgeon went on to say these two lymph nodes could be removed through surgery but she would not like to have to open my neck up for a third time, but she would if necessary. Of course I was tearing up by this time and had a full fledged breakdown after my doctor left the room. Mama was being upbeat, telling me how grateful we should be that the cancer hasn't spread anywhere else in my body and how these two lymph nodes could be surgically removed, unlike another lymph node that had previously contained cancer cells and was located in a spot that surgery couldn't touch. I cried until one of my other doctors, my radiologist, entered the room. Then I attempted to pull myself together. My radiation oncologist is completely precious. I feel so comfortable with him and I know he would never lie to me or give me false hope, but he also has a way with words, unlike many doctors I've come across. He discusses my situation on my level, making it where I can understand, without using physicians terms. He made me feel a thousand times better. He said the same thing the previous doctor had said but he showed me the whole picture. He said that this wasn't good news but it wasn't bad news and for me not to consider this a setback because they knew all along that it might take another surgery to get rid of this cancer. He made it clear that these two lymph nodes are easily accessible if they need to be surgically removed, but he also warned me that surgery may be necessary even if these two lymph nodes do not contain cancer cells, only dead cells or dead tissue. As crazy as it sounds, surgery doesn't scare me anymore, I've become a pro, I just hate that a month ago I thought I was cancer free and now a different scan may prove otherwise. I just wanted all this to be over! Anyways, we left the clinic and I was feeling a little better after talking with my radiation oncologist. I wish I could just put him in my pocket and pull him out when I need some encouragement about cancer. Haha! Mama also reminded me that a friend of ours who had my type of cancer had to have surgery after treatment to remove several lymph nodes, and now he is cancer free. Hearing stories of other people who have been in my shoes and are now cancer free is such wonderful encouragement!
      The next morning, Friday, mama and I drove back to Houston to the main hospital for my ultrasound biopsy. I've had a biopsy on my neck before, but this one was nothing like the first one. I was in so much pain. My neck is extremely sore, tight, and damaged from radiation, and having a doctor and x-ray technician hold my head to one side, push on my neck, "numb" my neck with a shot and stick a needle in and pump out some cells. This biopsy was AWFUL, and I'm tough. A lot tougher than I ever thought possible. The whole time I just laid on the hospital bed, silent tears running down my face, and praying, mostly that the biopsy wouldn't reveal any cancer cells, but also for the Lord to give me strength, hold me in His arms, and help me endure this pain. After the biopsy was finished mama and I had to wait about half an hour for the preliminary results. We wouldn't receive the final results for a few days. Several minutes later the doctor came back into my room and told us that based in the preliminary results these two lymph nodes do NOT contain cancer cells, it's only dead tissue and dying cells. Even though we had to wait a few days for the final results that was such a relief to hear. You couldn't have slapped the smile off our faces. Then, on Tuesday morning my surgeon called with the news...no cancer cells were found and no surgery is necessary. My team of doctors met and discussed my situation and for now they only want to keep an eye on me by continuing to have check ups every six weeks. God is so good and He continues to amaze me through His miracles, even just the miracles I've seen up close and personal in my own life. He has truly healed me from cancer and now I want to spend the rest of my life...looooong life....doing whatever He has planned!

"God has intention for your pain, a reason for your struggle, and a reward for your faithfulness. Don't give up!"

"The circumstances we ask God to change are often the circumstances God is using to change us." -Max Lucado

"God is doing a new thing. He is releasing healing, forgiveness, joy, peace, victory. This is your time."


Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Pray Through the Process

      To put it lightly, I have been a complete basket case the past month...since I found out the great news! I have been an emotional wreck! Obviously my life has been a complete whirlwind basically the past year, so of course I'm not going to be completely level headed right now. My mama also blames some of this issue on my changes in medications from treatment, which also makes sense. Anyway, point being, I've had quite a few of "those moments" lately. Moments where I feel down in the dumps, saddened that I can't go out and do the things I enjoy due to lack of energy, aggravated at my loss of appetite (YES, stillllll!) and change in tastes, etc. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond thankful the Lord chose to heal me. Nothing even compares! I remind myself of that when I'm having a little crying spirt. I'm just ready to feel like myself again...hyper, talkative, maybe annoying, on the go. I miss that, but I know if the Lord can heal me from cancer TWICE that giving me strength, energy, and an appetite will be a piece of cake. Everyone keeps saying it will all come in time. Well patience has never been my strong point so maybe this is just part of the learning experience. Thanks to all God has taught me along this journey I'm going to bounce back new and improved!
   
        I've also learned something else. You really never understand a person's situation until you are in their shoes. You may have had an aunt with breast cancer, a father with stomach cancer, a best friend with thyroid cancer, but until it is you, not just close to home, but actually YOU, you don't understand 100%. I've realized that even more as I've been trying to heal from radiation and chemotherapy. I know the majority of the time people mean well with their words or actions, but sometimes I'm just sensitive. People tend to hear "scans are clear" and think "Praise God! She's healed," but then forget that I still need prayer like I did before. People notice my weight loss. Yeah, I know I look bad. I don't want to be this thin, but I'm trying. I look at the number on the scale and I cry because I've just eaten a midnight snack and I've still lost more weight. I see on Facebook or hear from friend's about them going here or there and I become so jealous. I can't wait to even go to the mall again without having to be pushed in a wheelchair. I also can't wait to be able to stand up longer than a few minutes without feeling worn out. As crazy as this may sound, I miss getting ready...girl style. I used to hate the days where I would have to wake up first thing in the morning and fix my hair, put on makeup, and choose my outfit. Now I barely make time to brush my teeth, put on my wig, and slip on my yoga pants (that's basically all that fits right now), before leaving the house. All these things are silly in comparison to being healed, I am fully aware, but it doesn't stop me for longing for those days again soon! Recovering is truly a process and unless you yourself have been through it you don't understand the amount of strength, motivation, determination, courage, I could go on all day, that it takes. I don't know what dream world I was living in, but I thought I would make a complete turnaround a few weeks after completing treatments. Well treatments ended in May and I'm just now saying all this. I'm not giving up. I'll continue those midnight snacks. I also know that in time the Lord will renew my strength and I won't require twelve plus hours of sleep each night (believe me, it really does get old), and He will increase my energy, my appetite, and anything else that I could ever need. He's a God of endless resources and He wants nothing more than to take care of His children! We just have to believe it and ask!

"You don't have what you want because you don't ask God for it." -James 4:2

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint." -Isaiah 40:31
THIS is God's promise to me...sums it all up!

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are Mine." -Isaiah 43:1

"Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth You will again bring me up." -Psalm 71:20

Saturday, August 3, 2013

The Best Day of My Life

      The past month has been a whirlwind. The last week of June my oncologist finally gave me the okay that I was recovering well enough from my treatments to go back home. The very next day after my doctor's appointment my family and I were on a plane headed home. We were allowed to stay home four weeks and then I would have to return to Texas to have a scan to find out how I had responded to my treatments. Our time at home wasn't exactly how I had planned. I spent half the time sick and even ended up going to Gibb's Cancer Center in Spartanburg three days in a row for fluids and going to Greenville to see my other oncologist. I finally started feeling better but we only had a little over a week left at home and by this time all I could focus on was my upcoming scan.
      My mama, my brother, one of my sisters, and I returned to Texas on Saturday, July 20th for my scan that Monday and we would see my doctors and find out the results on Thursday. I hated leaving home but I was surprisingly calm going back to Katy. That week I spent a lot of time reading my Bible, mostly scripture telling of Jesus's healing power. Those passages were such encouragement. I can honestly say that I never doubted the Lord's power to heal me. I know He can do anything. I was just worried that it wasn't His will to heal me. That healing me wasn't His plan for my life. I hate even saying that because I know the Lord's way is far better than mind, but I was scared and anxious. My family and I also did a lot of praying. We pray together daily, but this week we prayed like never before. Praying also helped calm my nerves. I knew that talking to the Lord, asking for His healing, His strength, and His peace was the only thing that could help me.
      When Thursday morning rolled around I just woke up and went through the motions. My doctor's appointment was bright and early, at 8:30, which was good because it gave me less time to think. Once we were put in a room at the clinic it took my doctor an hour to come in. By this time my nerves were shot. I was taking this hour wait as a bad sign. I just sat there holding mama's hand and praying. All week I had the same Francesca Battistelli song stuck in my head. The chorus says, "faith is all it takes and you can walk on the water too." Wow! Even though I still believe, it still amazes me what faith can do! That is the faith I strive to have. I kept thinking of these lyrics as I sat there waiting. Finally my doctor came in and from there on I remember about one sentence and the rest is just a blank. I only remember him saying, "your scan is clear." Immediately after he said those words I started tearing up and silently thanking God. Then mama reaches out, grabs both the doctor's hand and my hand, and starts praying and thanking and praising the Lord for my healing. By this time mama and I were both sobbing and when the prayer was over I'm pretty positive I saw tears in my doctor's eyes as well. Such a special moment! Earlier in the week I was talking with mama, telling her how scared I was about getting my results. She said something I will never forget: "You may end up having the best day of your life." That was exactly what happened. The Lord was behind it all. When I didn't know what was coming, the Lord had already been there. He was with me every step of the way and never let go of my hand. He is my Savior, my Healer, and I am so blessed that He has chosen to perform so many miracles in my life. I told God I would never question why I had cancer. I am just thankful for His healing and I will continue to praise Him and give Him the credit He deserves. It wasn't the chemo, the radiation, or my doctors that healed me. The Lord used those treatments and those physicians. He is the Ultimate Healer.

"...your Father knows what you need before you ask Him." -Matthew 6:8

"Then Jesus said to the centurion, 'Go! It will be done just as you believed it would.' And Hs servant was healed at that very hour."  -Matthew 8:13

"You of little faith, why do you doubt?" -Matthew 14:31

"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." -Mark 11:22-24

Sunday, June 16, 2013

"That's why our air went out."

June 7, 2013

      This afternoon, in TEXAS need I remind you, our air conditioning stopped working. Are you kidding me? Helllllo heat stroke! All five of us ended up sleeping in our living room so we could put fans all over that one room and stay cool. An interesting night to say the least, but also a blessing in disguise. This evening some maintenance men from our neighborhood came over to see what the problem is. I was hiding away in my bedroom half asleep when I woke up and overheard mama talking with one of the men in the next room. Mama must have told him why we were living here temporarily, because when I woke up I heard him telling her about his church and the power of prayer and anointing with oil. Mama told him how I was anointed with oil and prayed over back at my home church. He goes on to tell her how he had once anointed and prayed over a man in his own home, how they didn't have the typical oil for anointing and just used whatever they had in the house because it isn't the oil that does the trick, it's our faith and believing in the power of prayer and God's power to heal His children. The next thing I knew mama and this maintenance man were walking into my bedroom. They asked if he could pray over me. Of course I will never turn down a prayer! He used olive oil from our kitchen and put a drop on my forehead. Then he prayed the most sincere prayer, asking for the Lord's healing. In the few minutes I spent with this man I could see his genuine love for Christ and his faith, trust, and belief in the Lord's healing power. This man was absolutely precious and such a prayer warrior. I am so thankful for this experience. I know without a doubt that the Lord had this man cross our path for a reason. Once the man left our house mama said, "That's why our air went out." She is exactly right!


“Is any sick among you? Let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord:” - James 5:14

Thursday, June 13, 2013

The Whole World in His Hands

      For the past month or so one question has been weighing on my heart and mind. "How do people go through life's trials without having God in their life?" Thankfully, not everyone is in my situation, or ever has cancer hit close to home, but not one single person escapes a trial of some sort. Whether it's financial problems, divorce, illness, death of a lived one, addiction, etc everyone experiences struggles in their lifetime. How you choose to deal with them makes all the difference. Giving your situation to the Lord allows you an amount of peace and satisfaction that no other option could ever provide. As I continue on my journey, a trial that I never expected to face, much less in my twenties, I look back on all that I've been through and I truly believe there is no way I would have made it this far if it wasn't for my relationship with God. Life's trials are times when we should grow in our relationship with Christ, cling to Him, and rely on Him. We are so blessed to even have the ability to talk to the Creator of the universe, yet some people don't take Him up on this opportunity. During the trials I have faced I feel so thankful to be able to call upon the Lord anytime or anywhere. Not only can I talk to God but He is the ONLY One who can change my situation or help me endure it. Our friends and family may be good listeners, but they don't control the ultimate outcome, yet the Lord holds the whole world in His hands. He is the Great Physician, the ultimate Healer, the Prince of Peace, our Comforter, our Strength, and most importantly our Savior. If we reach out for the Lord He will never let go of our hands. Knowing all this and still seeing people try to face difficulties alone blows my mind. Some people try to be too prideful, too independent, to "need" God, when really He's the only thing any of us ever need.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him." - Psalm 62:5

"Pray continually." - Thessalonians 5:17

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose mind is steadfast, because they trust in You." - Isaiah 26:3

Thursday, May 30, 2013

Hitting Rock Bottom

May 30, 2013

      Well, I'm blogging from my hospital bed. I was feeling so well the end of last week and then Saturday night I hit rock bottom. I've been in the hospital since Sunday afternoon and I'm more than ready to get out of here! When I was first admitted to the hospital, and a couple days after, I was the feeling terrible. I have never been so sick in my life. I was dehydrated, even though I have no clue how that happened because I've constantly had a drink in my hand ever since beginning radiation, and I was so weak I could barely stay awake or alert long enough to make conversation or answer mama's questions.  It also took a day or two for my blood pressure to get above the 70/40 range, which was a little scary. Thankfully the past couple of days have been much better. The Lord was definitely hearing everyone's prayers! After being constantly hooked up to fluids through my IV my blood pressure finally began to rise which made a huge difference in how I felt. Even though my blood pressure was picking up it seemed like every day I had a new problem that was keeping me in the hospital. One day I had a fever. One day my potassium level was very low. Each day I feel like I've been holding my breath to find out the results of my blood work. Thankfully the doctor just came in and said I can go home this afternoon. I'm so pumped! I could use a good night's sleep without someone coming in every hour and waking me up. As much as this place drove me crazy, I'm very thankful the Lord used the staff here to get me back on the path to recovery!

"O Lord my God, I called to You for help and You healed me." -Psalm 30:2

Countdown Complete

May 24, 2013

      When I first moved to Katy, back in January, it was hard to imagine this day actually happening. Everything seemed to be moving at a snail's pace and one thing after another was keeping me from starting my treatments. But today it actually happened. Just like the other 34 times I took off my shoes and hat, laid down on the table, put in my mouth stent, had the form fitted mask put over my face, neck, and upper chest and attached to the table, and had my radiation treatment. The only difference is this was my very last time. After I completed my radiation treatment it was time to ring the bell. This is an experience that every radiation patient longs for from day one of treatment. Ringing the bell lets everyone in the clinic know that another patient has completed their treatments. It's such a special experience. My family, along with my doctor and his nurse, all stood around me as I rang that bell back and forth. My doctor hugged me and told me to always keep smiling because every time I walked into his office I was smiling and that always made him smile too. Of course this made me cry. My doctors here at MD Anderson are just another example of how the Lord has blessed me out here in Texas. I have never been surrounded by such loving, encouraging, and truly caring physicians in my life.
      The past few weeks have been quite a roller coaster, unfortunately with more downs than ups.  The side effects from radiation really began kicking in sometime between the third and fourth week and they were no joke! I experienced everything from a sore throat and tongue, losing my voice, extremely dry skin along with a rash, major fatigue, mucositis, mouth sores, and I also started running a fever due to a kidney infection which landed me in the hospital on Mother's Day evening. Some days were worse than others and some days, thanks to the Lord providing me with comfort and my doctors staying on top of my pain medications, were not too bad at all. Either way I was always tired no matter what, so as soon as treatment was over, around lunchtime each day, I would spend the rest of the day sleeping and relaxing. Surprisingly I didn't get as bored as you might think. I think I was just too worn out to even care and right now rest is the best thing for me. As always my doctors were there for me each step of the way. Every problem I had they were already working on a solution. Such a blessing! Thankfully I began feeling a little better a couple days before I completed my treatments, so I was able to enjoy my bell ringing experience and celebrate with my family.

"Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always." 1 Chronicles 16:11

Monday, April 22, 2013

What a Week!

      One week of radiation down! It feels so good to say that! Now I'm just counting down to coming home! The past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind. So many unknowns, but the Lord continues to renew my hope and my strength and I am so thankful! Right after finding out the results of my CT scan, showing that the chemo treatments were not working like my doctors had hoped, I found out my new treatment plan. I also found out that another scan would be needed, a PET scan, before beginning my new treatments. The CT scan only showed the cancer in my head and neck region, but a PET scan would reveal if the cancer had spread anywhere else in my entire body. The doctor who discussed this with me was confident that the PET scan would not show any spreading, considering the CT scan had shown that the cancer was still localized in the same region as before, but I was still a nervous wreck! Scans tear my nerves up. I am thankful that my doctors are so cautious but the thought of another scan and waiting for more results was a lot to handle. That Friday, April12th, I had my PET scan and that was quite an experience! I've had several PET scans previously so I thought I knew the drill...no food or drinks other than water before the scan. I thought the whole point was that nothing could be in your stomach or it would throw the scan off. Well, I was wrong. I had a piece of gum on the way to my appointment and that caused my appointment to be pushed back four hours! Long story short, you aren't supposed to use your muscles to chew. Clearly I didn't know. Since my first scan was scheduled for 12:30 pm I was already hungry and being a chemo patient I get nauseous easily, so you can imagine to mood I was in. Then the receptionist at the doctor's office kept putting her two cents in when I was trying to talk to mama. After I walked away she asked mama how old I was and told mama she had a daughter my same age. Then she continued by saying "Then why do they continue to act like they're two sometimes?" I hate to admit it, but it's probably a good thing I wasn't around when she made this comment because I would have wanted to let her have it! It made mama highly mad, and she replied by saying something along the lines of, "Well does your daughter have cancer? I think Jenna has the right to act however she wants to right now." You would've thought that guilt trip would have shut her up, but no such luck. Thankfully, I ended up falling asleep in the waiting room which helped the time pass faster and then when it was finally time for my scan I had the sweetest young girl help me. She even remembered me from last time and sat back there and talked to me. People like her belong working in these environments. I would like to weed out a few of these others though! Ha!
      During the weekend I tried to stay busy and not focus on beginning my new treatments or the results of my latest scan, but that's always easier said than done. On Monday afternoon I went to the doctor's office for what I thought was my first round of radiation but once I got there I was informed that my radiologist still needed more x-rays because he was still working on my treatment plan. I tried not to let it show until we left the office, but that made me a nervous wreck thinking it had something to do with the results of my PET scan. Little did I know that the main hospital downtown hadn't even read my scan yet, much less sent the results to my doctors. This put me over the edge. I had waited long enough on those results and the little patience I had was wearing thin. I came home and went to sleep. That's all I knew to do to keep from driving myself crazy. A few hours later, late afternoon by this time, mama calls me into the kitchen. One of the doctor's from the clinic I go to here in Katy, not even my doctor but one I have seen a few times when she has been on call, called to let mama know my results. She had been the one to discuss the need for another scan and she knew how worried I was about the results. That was so sweet of her. Just like she thought, the rest of the PET scan was CLEAR! The cancer has NOT spread anywhere else in my body! I felt like I could finally relax and breathe again! God is so good! Once again, He not only took care of me but He continues to restore my hope!
      The following morning I went to the clinic to start my new chemo regimen along with my first radiation treatment. Looking back, the devil himself must've been clinging to me and my surroundings early last week because other than the wonderful news from my PET scan nothing was going right. I think the devil just kept throwing things at me trying to make me forget about my good test results and lose focus. This day of chemo was a prime example. My nurse was getting the best of me to say the least. Usually when I go for chemo treatments I sit there, for several hours, and relax. I read, watch TV, sleep, whatever I want, but this time I felt like I was both the nurse and the patient. I knew it was a bad sign when she asked me if this was the right chemo drug to give me! Hellllllo, look at my chart! I'm on a new treatment plan and you're the nurse. How would I know?! Later she asked me what bandage to use to cover my pick line. Are you kidding me? Again, shouldn't she know this instead of me? Needless to say, this kind of thing continued to happen all day and I felt so insecure. She was a sweet lady and mama kept reminding me to be nice, but sometimes I'm sure the look on my face said it all. Not to mention my chemo was supposed to be finished around 3ish so I could go downstairs for radiation, well she didn't finish until 5:30, so when it was time for radiation, my very first treatment might I add, I had to roll my IV downstairs with me and stay hooked up to my chemo drugs while getting radiation. To put it mildly I was irritated. I promised mama I would word it nicely, and I did, but I was determined to let my doctor know that I never wanted this nurse giving me chemo again. The next day when I met with my doctor and he asked how my treatment went I very nicely summed it up for him. At first he laughed a little because of my reaction. By now he knows that I say whatever comes to mind!
      After my "interesting" day of chemo therapy things have quieted down a little bit. I have gotten more good news from my doctor, saying that he looked at my scans and the cancer is still in small spots and that he doesn't see or feel any new abnormalities. I have now gone through my first week of radiation as well as the first week of my new chemo. Week two here we come! Let's get this show on the road so I can go home!

"I have heard your prayer and seen your tears; I will heal you." - 2 Kings 20:5

"Step out on the edge. Don't be afraid of it. When you feel the rain, call His name. He'll find you in the hurricane." - Hurricane by Natalie Grant

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Restored Hope

      I've known all along this scan was coming. After the second round of chemo it is pretty standard that the doctors ask for new scans to check and see how the patient is responding to their treatment. As the date of the scan was approaching I began getting more and more anxious. By Friday, three days before the scan, I was a nervous wreck. Since my last surgery I haven't allowed myself to feel my neck because I become a hypochondriac and will without a doubt feel a knot, so I've learned that it's best for me to just let the doctors do their job and keep my hands to myself. But on Friday afternoon in the middle of my uproar, fretting over Monday's scan, I began feeling, and sure enough I felt a knot. Of course it tears my nerves up and I started crying and even though it was after hours mama gave the doctor a call. Thankfully he was still at his office and was willing to check out my neck so I could have some peace of mind over the weekend. Once again, I am so grateful for my doctors here at MD Anderson. They will do absolutely anything for their patients! Mama and I drove over to the Katy clinic, about ten minutes from our home, and my doctor felt around my neck for any new knots. Since the knot I noticed was along the incision of my previous surgery and he didn't think the knot felt like cancer reoccurrence he wasn't worried and said it was most likely just scar tissue. I was still feeling nervous about my upcoming scan but that gave me some relief.
      The weekend came and went in the blink of an eye and before I knew it Monday morning was here. My scan was first thing that morning and went by very quickly, but that's not the hard part. The most difficult part is waiting for the results. A few hours later at my doctors appointment I received the results of my scan. The results could have been worse, and I am thankful they were not, but they were far from being the results that I had been hoping and praying for. "My cancer had not responded to the chemo" were some of the hardest words I've ever had to hear. I sat there frozen. How could this be happening? I felt like every ounce of hope was fleeing from my body. The doctor went on to say that the cancer had not spread anywhere else in my body (that's the good part, and believe me, I am extremely thankful), and that we will now stop this form of treatment and go on to the second treatment, combined radiation and chemo therapy, which had been planned all along to start after my final round of this first treatment plan. My doctor was still very encouraging and very honest. The doctors here at MD Anderson are known and loved for that! She said that my cancer is still curable and she wouldn't tell me that if it wasn't true. She said that her goal, along with the rest of my team of doctors, is to cure me. At the time all of her words were going in one ear and out the other, but I trust these doctors and I know they truly care for me and above all else I know the Lord is the Ultimate Healer and He can simply heal me with the touch of His hand or He can heal me though these amazing doctors.
      I left the doctor's office Monday afternoon feeling worse than I ever have in my entire life. Satan was on my back making me feel hopeless, filling my head with negative thoughts. My hope and faith was at the lowest point of my life. I wasn't feeling mad at God or angry for Him allowing this to happen to me, I was just sad. That's the only way to explain it. Pure sadness. I was relying on that scan for hope. A boost of confidence that the chemo was working towards healing me. All I wanted was a reassurance of hope. I kept saying that over and over all afternoon and ended up crying myself to sleep. Then my prayer for hope was answered. Later that evening I received a phone call from a friend of a friend, a man I've never met. He had heard about me and the news I received and wanted to talk with me and share his story. He was in my shoes almost nine years ago and today he is cancer free. He not only had my same type of cancer, both on the base of his tongue and in his lymph nodes, but he also did not respond to chemo therapy, but radiation did the trick! My new friend was so encouraging to me and the Lord used this conversation to restore my hope, just like I asked Him to. Such an answered prayer. My new friend answered any questions I had, told me all about the radiation process, discussed any of the feelings I am experiencing because unless you have been there you can't feel my pain. It was so nice to talk with someone who has been in my shoes. It is so amazing how this man and I even crossed paths. The Lord has placed the most amazing people in my life since we moved to Texas! He knew we would need these people to stand by us, care for us, and be our prayer warriors and I am so thankful! I also received more encouraging news on Tuesday morning when mama talked on the phone with my oncologist from back home in Spartanburg. I don't know what it is about this doctor but something about him can always calm my nerves and he is the most caring doctor I've ever met. If I could put him in my pocket and carry him around with me, I would! Anyways, he told mama that it is not uncommon for my type of cancer to not respond to chemo therapy but that doctors always try that treatment first in order to shrink the tumors, but like my doctor here in Texas said, radiation is used to cure this cancer and he is very hopeful and confident that this method of treatment will cure me. Of course I wish the chemo had worked for me, but it helps knowing that I'm not the only one, that this isn't uncommon. My oncologist also told mama tips for me during radiation, how important it is for me to gain some weight, to continue eating and drinking for as long as I can, etc. He also always says that he and his wife are praying for me and that means more to me than anything else! He is so precious and I would recommend him to any cancer patient!
      I keep thinking back to Sunday morning during church. I couldn't stay focused and I was praying and flipping through my Bible asking God to speak to me. I kept getting frustrated that my sad, worried thoughts about my upcoming scan were taking over my mind so I was about to close my Bible and give up when a verse that I had previously underlined, probably years ago, caught my eye. Psalm 103:3 says, "who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases." I had underlined "heals all your diseases." How amazing is that? I started tearing up and the biggest smile came cross my face. I never mentioned this to anyone, until writing this I've just kept it to myself, but the Lord spoke so clearly to me. He led me straight to that scripture and on days when I'm feeling hopeless or discouraged I'm just going to remind myself of that! God is so good!

"Don't be discouraged by closed doors. If God wants a door to open, all the forces of darkness cannot stop it."

"GOD is the reason why even in pain, I smile; in confusion, I understand; in betrayal, I trust; and in fear, I FIGHT."

"Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you." -Hebrews 13:5 *Talk about a promise!*

"The sick are healed and the dead are raised at the sound of Your Great Name."

Friday, March 29, 2013

March 29, 2013

      The past few days have felt so NORMAL and that has been the best feeling! However, the first several days of my second round of chemo were pretty uncomfortable. I had no appetite whatsoever, which made me feel a bit queasy and my head was very sore due to my hair loss. There were a couple times when grouchiness would creep up and take over..."I'm sick of not being hungry. I'm sick of hair being all over my sheets. I'm sick of my head being sore. I'm sick of feeling sick." Thankfully that only happened a couple times and then I would kick myself back into gear, remind myself that my side effects are not that bad at all, and be thankful that I am able to handle this chemo treatment, which I'm praying the Lord is using to rid me of my cancer. I have too much to be thankful for to allow these little things to bring me down! Anyways, as of a few days ago my energy level and appetite finally started to pick up! Also, duing this time my dad was out here visiting us for the week, so once I was finally able to get out of the bed the six of us were able to spend some time together. We did the most normal, simple things like have supper together, go to my younger brother's baseball game, and sit outside with our neighbors. It made things feel normal again, like we all still lived in the same state, or that we had all just moved to Texas, and that we weren't here because I was sick. It was also a nice change of pace to occupy our time by doing everyday things that we used to do back home rather than spending our time in a doctor's office!
      My family and I have a joke going about how spoiled I am getting because they have to help me with so many things these days. Yes, some things I need assistance with, but other things my family simply does for me because they want to or I ask. My family has always been extremely close, but this experience has made me more thankful for them than ever before. Every time my mama helps me take a bath because we have to avoid getting my port and chemo pump wet I am just so grateful for our close relationship. I don't know what I would do without her. I think the same thing every time she wakes me up in the middle of the night to give me my nausea or pain medicine, when I'm feeling weak and she brings me whatever I can eat in my bed, and when the chemo dries my skin out and she puts cream on my arms and legs before bed. She treats me like her baby and I am just so thankful that the Lord blessed me with her as my mama. The rest of my family cares for me just the same! While my daddy was here this week he made me breakfast in bed whenever I wanted, just hoping that I would get some food in my system. He would also check on me anytime of day or night to see if there was anything he could get for me or if I was comfortable enough. Whenever I am too weak or sick to get out of the bed my two sisters take turns laying with me. If I'm sleeping they don't bother me, they just lay beside me. If I'm awake they talk to me about anything other than bing sick and they are the two best people in the world to get me laughing. Being out here in Texas, away from the rest of our family and friends, has made my two sisters and me even closer than we were before. Then there's my baby brother. Well he's not so much of a baby anymore. Every time he walks past me he is either checking on me or telling me he loves me. He has the biggest heart. Even though he's getting older he still always let's me hug and kiss him like he did when he was a baby. He better never outgrow that! Most of all, he always prays for me. My family does a Bible study together every night before bed and at the end someone will pray and thank God for all He's done for us that day, all He's given us, pray for anything I'm going through, and of course pray for my healing. My brother volunteers to pray a lot and it melts my heart and makes me so proud of him! I am so thankful that I am a part of such a loving, Christian family who chose to turn to the Lord during this trial rather than turn way from Him.

"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him." - James 1:12
   

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Our Hope Endures

      I have always loved this song and I actually sang it a few years back in church, but now it has so much more meaning! I heard it the other day for the first time in forever and couldn't believe how much it applies to my life. Not to applaud myself in any way at all, but so many people don't understand how with all that has happened to me that I can still have a positive attitude and stay strong. Of course I have bad days...days when I cry, don't think I can handle anything else, and feel blah and grouchy, but then God sweeps me off my feet and provides me with His strength and His hope! He is our Hope and all that we need no matter what our circumstances may be!

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume that this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain?
Or joy at a good man's wake?
Walk a mile with the woman who's body is torn
With illness but she marches on
Oh, cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope enures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

Emmanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone
And this is our Hope

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

"Our Hope Endures" by Natalie Grant

Time Is Flying By!

      I can't believe I'm already sitting here getting my second round of chemo therapy. Those first three weeks flew by and I am beyond thankful! I never expected to be feeling well enough to go back home for a short visit during my first round of chemo, but the Lord surprised me! He is taking such good care of me, but then again, why am I even surprised?! My family and I had such an amazing trip back home! The Carolina's had been calling our name for quite some time and it did us all so much good to be back in our hometown surrounded by our family and friends. Sometimes that's the best medicine of all! My Nana spoiling me with her cooking, getting to go to my home church and even the big fundraiser in town, and feeling like "me" for a few days made a world of difference, and even though it was painful to board the plane back to Houston I now feel revived and ready to face round two! I am so blessed to come from such a loving and supportive community where everyone really sticks together. Such a huge plus to living in a small town :) I am now more eager than ever to be healed and able to move back home! I have another scan in a few weeks, at the end of this round, to tell if this treatment plan is working. Of course, I am having some anxiety about this. Scans always tear my nerves up! However, the Lord spoke to me this morning in my Jesus Calling devotional and gave me exactly what I needed to hear:

"Trust Me and don't be afraid, for I am your Strength and Song. Think what it means to have Me as your strength. I spoke the universe into existence; My Power is absolutely unlimited! Human weakness, consecrated to Me, is like a magnet, drawing My Power into your neediness. However, fear can block the flow of My Strength into you. Instead of trying to fight your fears, concentrate on trusting Me. When you relate to Me in confident trust, there is no limit to how much I can strengthen you."

"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation. With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation."            -Isaiah 12:2-3

"Surely you have granted him eternal blessings and made him glad with the joy of Your Presence."     -Psalm 21:6

"O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in Him," -Psalm 84:12

The Lord put this in my path today because He knew it was exactly what I needed to hear! I needed to be reminded that this situation is still in God's hands and He still has complete control. So whenever I start to worry about this upcoming scan I will just pray more and more! I know the Lord can heal me. He isn't finished with me yet! I will just pray for good results!

"During hard times, it can help to remember that you receive new mercies every morning,"

Friday, March 15, 2013

Home Sweet Home

      It feels so strange being back home. I have only been back for two days but I've had very mixed emotions. Surprising my family was priceless. Walking out of the bedroom of my Nana and Papa's house and seeing the shock on everyone's face was the best feeling. You would've thought they had seen a ghost. I have never seen them more surprised in my life! After surprising most of my family we drove up to the high school and surprised my uncle Ty while he was coaching baseball practice. It was weird simply driving around town. It's so different than where we live in Texas...a couple stop lights, no traffic, no 12 lane highways like I-10!
      Mama always says "Everything is worse at nighttime," so I blame that for the little breakdown I had my first night back at home, but unfortunately I've had a couple more since then. It's much harder being home than I ever expected. In Texas, being sick is my life. Out there that's all I know and all I'm used to in that environment, but here, at home, that's not the case. It's hard being back home and not feeling like "me," and being able to go to work, go out in public without worrying about germs and getting sick, being able to see everyone and do everything that I'm used to. As weird as it may sound, at first it even felt strange being back in my house. It didn't feel like my house anymore, my room didn't feel like mine...it didn't feel lived in because my stuff isn't here. My house and my room feel like they are in Texas right now. Don't get me wrong, it feels so good seeing my family and friends again, but knowing that this isn't my permanent home right now and that I have to go back to my life in Texas in just a few days seems to put a damper on things.
      I'm not sure if I would rather be home or in Texas when this happened, but I didn't have a choice. Last night on my Nana's couch my hair started falling out. I knew it would start happening any day now and I had prepared myself as best as I could, but really there's no way to fully prepare yourself for that. Simply laying on the couch and running your hand through your hair and strands coming out between your fingers is such a bizarre feeling. Of course I knew this was going to happen but I was still a little shocked that I was actually experiencing it. I just held the hair and cried to Mama. It's not so much about the hair itself, but not having hair will just be a constant reminder that I'm sick. Everyone who sees a young girl without hair knows she must be a cancer patient. That is the first thing they notice about her..."She must be sick." I don't want that for myself. I don't want everyone to view me simply as a cancer patient. Yes, I have a wig that I will start wearing most of the time, and I'm very thankful for it, but still, losing my hair is hard. Today more of my hair has been falling out, in clumps rather than strands, so tomorrow I'm going to go ahead and get it cut short so I don't have to deal with this anymore. I just have to remind myself that it's just hair, it will grow back, this chemo is doing it's job and eating up this cancer so a few months wearing a wig is no big deal! My wig is fabulous anyway!

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Driving Me Crazy!

      Something has been driving me crazy ever since I was first diagnosed with cancer and recently it has struck my last nerve! I guess I didn't pay attention earlier because it didn't apply to me. I am so sick of "cancer" being everywhere and it being portrayed so negatively or as a death sentence. I am not referring to cancer information or research because I fully support cancer awareness, however I am beyond annoyed with dying cancer patients being in so many books, movies, and songs these days. Obviously, being in my current situation, I am trying to avoid anything depressing right now, but I am finding this more difficult than I ever would have imagined. For example, a couple weeks ago I wanted to go see the new movie Safe Haven. I expected nothing more than a typical Nicholas Sparks love story, but no, to my surprise they threw some cancer in there! The ex wife of the main character had terminal cancer and the movie goes on to show how she writes notes to her children for different stages in their lives that she knows she is going to miss. I didn't need to see that! Needless to say, if I would've known that was in the movie I never would've saw it. I also loooove reading Karen Kingsbury's books! For Christmas I got the Redemption series. I was almost finished reading the last book of the series when I found out my cancer had returned. In that book the mother, Elizabeth Baxter, finds out her breast cancer has returned and has spread throughout her body and she ends up dying. This was AWFUL timing! As I was finding out my own cancer was back this book character kept coming to mind. I was having terrible thoughts, simply from things I had read in this book. Don't get me wrong, these are amazing books of faith during life's trials and triumphs, but I just didn't need to read something like this. Then, a few weeks ago my sister and I were in a store when a country song I haven't heard in a while came on the radio. I had forgotten most of the lyrics except for the chorus but I made some comment to Emma about forgetting how much I liked the song. She went on to say something about how she didn't think I would like it anymore. Long story short the second verse says, "He said I'm flying out here to pick up my big brother. He's been fighting cancer they've discovered, but he called last night and said I think this is the end." Again, depressing! Several other instances have happened but tonight was the final straw. I was watching Step Up 2 of all things, when out of the blue the main character starts telling how her mom died from cancer. Really?! This was supposed to be a dance movie...a chick flick! Was that really necessary? My point in venting about all this is not to simply avoid cancer or pretend that I don't have it or that it doesn't exist, but to call attention to how cancer is portrayed in the media. The media seems to portray cancer as one thing...as death. I despise that!! That is wrong on so many levels. The media is feeding off of cancer. Milking it for a sappy topic to bring in some cash. Instead they should focus on the positives! Look at how many people are beating cancer these days. This isn't twenty or thirty years ago. Cancer is no longer a death sentence. I love the attitude here at MD Anderson. Everyone is so positive and hopeful. Nothing is impossible and no situation is hopeless. If a cancer patient surrounds themself with negativity, how will they ever see the need to fight? Every time I get mad about this issue I tell my family how one day I'm going to write books for cancer patients about nothing but the most simple, happy things. My latest examples have been IHop pancakes, sparkly flats, and ketchup. Ridiculous! But that's the point. The most simplistic things that make you happy and usually have no value, but have absolutely nothing to do with cancer!! I know first hand that every cancer patient needs a little pick-me-up sometimes and as far from cancer as they can get!


Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Round One

      Today Chick Fil A was my BFF and I actually felt clean for the first time in days. Both are huge improvements! But I really can't complain. As of today, my sixth day of chemo therapy, my only major side effects have been no appetite, feeling tired, and a sore mouth. I was very nervous, and still am, about the side effects. I've heard all the good, the bad, and the ugly stories, but of course each patient has a different experience. All I can do is pray that I am one of the ones who handles the treatment well with few side effects and is able to stay physically strong over the next few months. So far, the Lord has blessed me tremendously! I could not be more thankful! Each day I am up and moving a little bit more and my appetite is gradually increasing. Today was my first day without my chemo pump attached to me so that meant a real bath! Well other than having to Saran Wrap my arm, thanks to my picc line, a real bath! Pulling myself out of the bed to look halfway presentable for my doctor's appointment seemed like more trouble than it's worth at the time, but finally feeling fresh and clean made a world of difference. Getting out of the house for a few minutes to go to my doctor's appointment then led to a slight craving for Chick Fil A. Three chicken nuggets and a handful of fries later Mama was thrilled to see how much I ate at one time and I was pretty pumped myself. Everyday is getting better! I will feel more relieved when this first round of chemo is over, so I know what to expect, but I'm trying not to be over anxious. I know the Lord will continue to watch over me, comfort me, and give me His strength.

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7

"When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul." -Psalm 94:19

"I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will guide him and restore comfort to him." -Isaiah 57:18

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Wake Up Call: Generosity

      I have learned so much through this trial. Much more than I could ever begin to write about or attempt to explain. One aspect that has really been on my heart over the past few days is how so many people, both loved ones and strangers, both new friends and old, have stepped up to the plate in more ways than one and been there for me and my family! Never in my life have I seen anything like this! People from my hometown and the surrounding area have "Painted the Town Purple" in support of me because it has always been my favorite color. I'm talking purple ribbons on store fronts, mailboxes, and front doors, purple bows, purple balloons, the works! I actually just found out that back home on St. Patrick's Day this year people will be sporting purple instead of green! I could be wrong, but I don't know of any other cancer patient in the entire world who has an entire town behind her like this! I would love to be closer to home so I could see all of this first hand but I love seeing the pictures! Either way, it's amazing and I feel so blessed! Along with painting the town purple I have revived more cards than I can count! Every single day we have a mailbox full of cards and packages providing us with words of love and encouragement and many scriptures! So sweet! Oh, and the fundraisers!!! So much work from my family, my church family, and hometown friends have gone into making these fundraisers happen and making them successful. My cousins especially have blown my mind! Countless hours of getting together and planning every last detail, along with having t-shirts designed and ready to sell on my behalf! Not to mention the most precious going away gift they had made specially for me which included bible verses and hand written notes. I have also met some of the most loving, prayerful, supportive new friends since I moved to Texas! I know without a doubt that the Lord placed them in my life for a reason. He knew My family and I needed them, along with their church family, during this time. Everyone I have met in this church family opened up their arms to me the very first time we ever met. I was a complete stranger, a thousand miles from home, and they were willing to help my family and me in any way possible. Nothing short of amazing! That is the kind of love and generosity the Lord expects from His people and the type of love and generosity I strive for.
       I'm not trying to sound, by any means, like this experience is about how much people can do for me or how much people can give me, but it has been a huge wake up call for me! I've realized that I have some of the most loving, encouraging, generous, faithful people in my life and I now aspire to be more like them! They are also some real prayer warriors!! When they say they are going to pray for me, they mean it! They are constantly praying for me and they remind me of that daily! I think of how many times in past years I have known of someone who was in a similar situation, sick or going through a difficult time, and I said I would pray for them. Yes, I prayed for them, maybe a time or two, but I now realize that as christians we are called to do more, as much as we can. We are called to be generous, and I do not mean simply with money, but with our time, our love, our efforts, and most importantly our prayers! I see what all my loved ones are doing for me during this trial...simple text messages just to check on me, reminders that they are praying for me, sweet cards to make me laugh, cry, and encourage me all in one! Some send flowers or baked goodies. I even received some Valentine's Day packages. During times like this it really is the thought that counts! So when this trial of mine is over I need to keep this in mind. It took witnessing it up close and personal for me to realize this was an area which I was clearly lacking. I know how much all of this has meant to me so I need to show more generosity to others who are in my shoes! It is so easy to think, "I don't know what to say to her," "I don't want to bother her," or maybe think it's awkward to talk to someone who has cancer, especially a young person. I think some people just don't know how to deal with things like sickness or exactly how to go about it, but take it from me, saying one little thing is better than saying nothing at all! A cancer patient is still the same person they were before, just having a little bump in the road. A simple message saying, "I'm praying for you," or something along those lines is all it takes. A good first step. I've had my wake up call recently, maybe this blog post will help others. The Lord calls us to be loving, generous servants and He calls us to obey Him.

"...the Lord Jesus himself said: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'" -Acts 20:35
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control." -Galatians 5:22-23

Let the Countdown Begin!

      Yep, I'm blogging from the infusion room as I get my chemo therapy today for the first time! I'm going to be sitting here for about seven hours today so I figured "Why not?" Seven hours! Good thing I only have to do this once every three weeks. Otherwise I would go stir crazy! Once again the Lord has given me such peace and comfort. I am feeling so positive and upbeat right now. I'm just laying back with a pillow and blanket, watching TV, sipping on apple juice, and talking to Mama. I even had a good nights sleep last night, which I was worried about. Everyone's prayers for me are working. I can feel them and today is proof! My first day of chemo therapy is nothing like I thought it would be. I never expected to feel this calm, but I should've known that the Lord would allow me to feel His Presence in an extra special way today, a reminder that I am not alone. He is not only my Healer but my Comforter!
      This time yesterday was a different story. I was at the main hospital in Houston getting my picc line put in. I slept awful the night before because I was feeling so anxious. I knew that somehow the thin catheter had to run under my skin all the way from my arm to my chest and that I would be awake as they inserted this, but I didn't know how this procedure would be done nor did I want to find out. Of course I was anxious! After we arrived at the hospital the nurse had another patient and myself go into a classroom and watch a video about the picc line procedure. This tore my nerves up! I immediately started tearing up. If it hadn't been for the other patient in the room I probably would've   completely lost it. I just knew he was going to have to go through the very same thing and I didn't want to make it any worse for him. I pulled myself together and barely paid any attention to the video. Why were they making me watch this? This isn't a Do-It-Yourself procedure so why do I need to see how this is done! I'm one of those people that if it has to be done then don't tell me about it, just do it and I won't watch. So needless to say, after the video I was more shook up about the picc line than I ever was before. After I was taken back to the procedure room the nurse who would be taking care of me was so precious and she made this procedure seem much less extreme. After talking with her I even decided against the "happy juice" to relax me or even make me sleep during the procedure. She said she would numb my arm, of course, and that was good enough for me. Sure enough, after the shot I barely felt a thing. I, well mostly that video which was completely uncalled for, had me all worked up for nothing!

"For I am the Lord, your healer." -Exodus 15:26

"Yet I am always with You; You hold me by my right hand." Psalm 73:23

"You walk beside me giving strength I've never known. I am not alone." - I Am Not Alone by Natalie Grant

Monday, February 25, 2013

Pretend Preggers

      The past week has been rough!! I had no clue this IVF process would take such a toll on my body.   The side effects really started kicking in around last Monday, 6 days after beginning the shots, and they continued to get worse as the week went on. My stomach felt very swollen, so much that I was very uncomfortable. I looked like I had a little baby bump, but really I was just swollen from things inside me, like my ovaries, being enlarged. How crazy is that! I was also feeling really nauseous and my hormones were all out of wack. Much like a typical pregnant woman. This whole process was mind blowing to me, how your body thinks you're pregnant and reacts in that manner. Crazy! I was going every two days for ultrasounds and bloodwork  to keep an eye on my progress, and I actually ended up progressing very quickly and having the procedure to remove my eggs two days ahead of schedule. That was such a relief to me because it meant no more shots and two days closer to feeling more normal. I had the procedure early Friday morning, but unfortunately, my doctor said it would be a couple more weeks before I felt better. The nurse said it takes a little time for your body to realize that you're not really pregnant and for everything to start recovering. Greeaaat! Just what I need when I'm scheduled to start chemo on Thursday! This experience has been tough, but don't get me wrong, I still know that I made the right decision by having this procedure! Anyways, since Friday I have been feeling much worse than I did before the procedure. The swelling has increased and I feel so "puffy" that at times I even feel short of breath. The anesthesia they used caused me to have awful headaches almost constantly Friday through early this morning, and the nausea has also increased. I have slept more in the past three days than I have been awake, because the medicine they put me on completely knocked me off my feet and put me in zombie mode. This morning I woke up not feeling too well, but the headache had lightened, so I decided against the nausea and headache meds. I like to think I have a pretty high pain tolerance, so I would rather deal with a little pain today and at least feel like I'm back in the world! During those rough few days my dad and my nana flew out here to visit us. I had been looking forward to that for weeks, so I'm disappointed that I didn't get to enjoy our time more...or really even be awake more! Even though next time they visit I will be going though chemo therapy, I hope and pray that I am well enough to spend more time with them! Even though I know this is where I need to be, it's still so hard being this far from home.

      As I'm starting to feel better this afternoon, and I'm actually awake, that means I'm thinking about what the next few days hold. On Wednesday morning I go to Houston to have my port put in and on Thursday I go to my doctor, here in Katy, for my first day of chemo therapy. I am trying so hard to take it one day at a time, but that's easier said than done. I hate dreading something. I think I would rather just be surprised...just walk into the doctor's office on Thursday and him tell me that today's the day. Then I would have no time to worry, no time to stress, etc. I would just do as he says and go through the motions. I'm learning that is what I prefer, otherwise I stress myself out! However, since I do know what's coming in the next couple of days, I'm trying to look at the positives. The sooner I start chemo, the sooner it will be over! So on Thursday the countdown begins!! I'm not going to view it as my first day of chemo but as the first day of my countdown. That sounds much more optimistic! I know this is going to be tough, but I also know that I can do it! The Lord will give me strength and He will fight for me!

"Do not be afraid or discouraged...For the battle is not yours, but God's." -2 Chronicles 20:15

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7

Friday, February 15, 2013

New Experiences

2/15/13

      It's hard to believe another week has already gone by. Another week full of doctor appointments and new experiences. On Monday night I attended a two hour long class on In Vitro Fertilization. First of all there was only one other girl in the class besides myself who was not accompanied by her husband. I thought, "Great, I look like I'm here alone while my dead beat baby daddy is off doing who knows what...and I'm not even wearing a ring!" I could either tell people my cancer sob story or make up a really good story about where my "husband" is. Obviously, I wouldn't seriously do either, but both options were tempting! Haha. Also, I was the only patient in the class who wasn't trying to get pregnant. All of the other couples were so excited! I couldn't help but think how at the end of this process (if everything goes as planned) they will be expecting a baby, and all I get is to start chemo therapy. That was one of those times when I have to stop the "life's not fair" moments from remaining in my mind. I simply have to be grateful for this option, my plan B, and leave it at that.
      I thought that Tuesday was actually going to be a fun experience but I was so wrong! Emma, my sister aka my hair advisor, and I were going to Houston to look at wigs. I was warned weeks ago that I will lose my hair during chemo therapy, not that it was really a surprise to me. I have always been extremely funny about my hair...always afraid to cut it short or do anything to the color except get highlights, but after getting this news I let Emma chop it off. I finally realized, well was forced to realize, that it's just hair. It will grow back! Anyways, I had heard that the salon at MD Anderson gave one free wig to each cancer patient, so we decided to check these out first. As soon as we walked in the door the first thing the lady said was "We don't have any blonde wigs here." I was polite and looked at the, no joke, selection of nine or ten wigs they had to choose from, but they all looked too old for me and too dark for my complexion. You can't tell me I'm the only cancer patient with blonde hair! We left the salon and I called mama and I started crying within the first thirty seconds. I know I'm not going to feel like myself during my treatments, but I'm hoping that with the help of a good wig I can at least look like my old self. On Tuesday we ended up going to two more wig shops, and that took up the rest of our day. By the end of the day I was both physically and emotionally drained. Believe it or not, we went to another wig shop that also didn't have blonde wigs. Are you kidding me?! That shop also gave out free wigs to cancer patients. I should've known beforehand that when something is free there is usually a catch! Long story short, I finally found a wonderful salon, where I can get a blonde wig! My oncologist had given me a perscription for a wig so hopefully my insurance will help with the cost considering some of these wigs are quite expensive. Who would've thought wig shopping would've been such a task? Maybe when all this is over I should open up my own shop aimed towards young cancer patients....clearly it's needed!
      On Wednesday evening I began taking my fertility shots. Two shots a day for ten to twelve days. I am so used to getting stuck that a needle is a piece of cake, but having to give myself two shots in my stomach is a different story...that's why I have Mama do it! Tonight while trying to mix the medications and get the shots ready I had a little breakdown, a little pity party. I couldn't believe I was having to go through this on top of everything else, but after a few minutes I got a grip and got through both shots. Last night was the same routine, minus the breakdown. Two shots in my stomach.     Today I was telling my friend about the shots and how my nurse was telling me about the side effects. She said my body would think I was pregnant, then a few days after the procedure it would realize I'm not and start recovering. It's crazy how during this process I am supposed to take prenatal vitamins and to avoid other medications, just like I would do if I really was pregnant. This whole process blows my mind and that's what I have to keep reminding myself every time I get overwhelmed about these shots or the upcoming procedure. I'm doing this all for my future baby. I was kidding around today and said I was going to take pictures of myself getting these shots so my future baby will know all I went though just for them! Haha I said that jokingly but in all seriousness keeping a journal or scrapbook might be a neat idea!
      Today I found out I will be starting my chemo therapy on Thursday, February 28th. Thinking about it too much makes me nervous and anxious, but I am ready to get the show on the road. I just have to pray! The Lord has brought me this far...He won't leave me now!

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Why Do I Doubt?

2/8/13

      Yesterday I went to the hospital in Houston for an ultrasound of my thyroid. When I had my CT and PET scans last week the doctors saw a spot on my thyroid that they wanted to take a closer look at. My oncologist said it was very unlikely that I would have two types of cancer, squamous cell carcinoma and thyroid cancer, but they would need to do an ultrasound and possibly a biopsy to know for sure. My doctor went on to say how if I have thyroid cancer it won't necessarily be a huge deal. I'm thinking "Yeaaaah right!" He said it would mean another surgery and my treatment plan would change. At first I thought "Great, something else for me to worry about for the next few days," but really I haven't been thinking too much about it. I think since my doctor seemed so easy going about it that it put me at ease. Well that all changed when I got to the hospital for the ultrasound this morning. From the moment I put on the hospital gown I turned into a wreck. I couldn't stop crying to save my life. Mama sat beside me as I waited in this special waiting area behind a curtain. She held my hand and prayed with me, trying so hard to calm my nerves. I just couldn't stand the thought of more cancer. As I sat there trying to pull myself together the nurse came to the other side of the curtain to get another patient for his ultrasound. Then Mama heard him say "Take that little girl first. I can wait". The nurse didn't do as he asked but that was okay. It was the thought that counted. That man knew nothing about me, knew nothing about my situation or why I was having an ultrasound, but he knew I was clearly upset and was willing to put me before himself. Somehow that calmed my nerves a little bit, just knowing that there are such sweet people still in the world. I know that was a God thing! A few minutes later it was time for my ultrasound. The ultrasound technician was precious. I know God put her in my path for a reason and she felt the same way. She was a cancer patient herself and was currently going through chemo therapy. She said she doesn't share her story with all her patients but she thought I should hear it as encouragement. She was so uplifting! God knew that was exactly what I needed to hear! The ultrasound couldn't go by fast enough! It seemed to take forever. Images were taken of my entire neck so the radiologist could look at my lymph nodes and my thyroid. Finally after the ultrasound was over the nurse came in and said that nothing showed up on my thyroid (thank God) but that there was a lymph node on the left side of my neck that looked strange so they wanted to biopsy it. I was so relieved that nothing showed up on my thyroid! No thyroid cancer! Praise God! Another miracle! Even though a biopsy was needed for a lymph node on the left side of my neck I wasn't upset at all because at UNC cancer showed up in those lymph nodes on the PET scan, just not on my newest scan here at MD Anderson, so if cancer was in just this one left lymph node I wouldn't be too surprised. Plus, before my last surgery I had felt a knot in the upper left side of my neck, like when I found the knot of cancer on the other side, so I just thought I had diagnosed myself once again! Anyways, long story short the radiologist took a biopsy of that lymph node, and the sweet ultrasound technician held my hand the entire time! i am so thankful for her! About thirty minutes later the results came back and it Was NOT cancer! It was just some type of gland in my neck that was possibly swollen or something. I don't exactly remember how she described it because at that point I didn't care! I was just in awe of how great this day had turned out. God had saved me TWICE in one day! Amazing! I don't know why I continue to doubt him! It reminds me of this passage from the bible:

"Lord, if it's You," Peter replied, "tell me to come to You on the water." "Come," He said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out His hand and caught him. "You of little faith," He said, "why did you doubt?" And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. -Matthew 14:28-32

Friday, February 8, 2013

Miracle Babies

2/6/13
      
      I can't believe how fast time is going by here! I hope it goes by this quickly once my treatments begin! Of course this week has also been a little overwhelming, but overall it has been pretty nice. On Monday I spent four hours at the fertility doctor. At first the appointment wasn't going too well and even though I was doing a decent job of hiding it, my nerves were shot, but by the time we finally left I was feeling a little better. All of the information was just so overwhelming! We found out that the process to have my eggs preserved is a little more costly than we were first told. It is going to cost around $10,000 and you have to pay it all up front! When my oncologist first told me about the possibility of freezing my eggs (he mentioned this idea to me because there is a 10-20% chance that chemo can cause infertility...possibly an even smaller percentage because of the type of chemo I will be having) he said it would be expensive but I knew right away it was something I definitely wanted to do. Even though the percentage is small I can't take that risk. I would rather be safe than sorry. With all that I am going through I can't give that up too! Sitting in the doctor's office today I was trying to take all of this information in, all while trying not to cry. Not only was I overwhelmed by the cost, which insurance doesn't cover, but I was also overwhelmed by the process itself. If having cancer has taught me anything it's that my pain tolerance is a mile higher than I ever expected it to be, so the doctor discussing how I would have to give myself shots in my stomach for ten days and then have a minor surgical procedure which would be followed by two weeks of pretty intense stomach pains didn't scare me that much. What scares me is the thought of putting off my treatments for that long. The fertility doctor said this entire process will take two to three weeks and I will be able to start chemo therapy right after the surgery. Two to three more weeks! I just don't like the sounds of that. I want this cancer out of my body now! I am not patient about that! I am so anxious to start my treatments even though my oncologist said it will be okay to wait, if I choose to preserve my eggs, since the cancer hasn't spread and since the majority of the cancer was removed during my last surgery. Sitting here taking all of this in made my mind go crazy! As crazy as it may sound, I felt like I was having to choose between putting my own life in danger, by putting off my chemo, or choosing my future baby. It was seriously making me sick to my stomach. Mama knew how worried I was about putting off my treatment, no matter what my doctor said, and about the expense. She kept asking what I thought I needed to do and no matter what, I know that I have to do this. I have always wanted a baby and I know that if I didn't have this procedure done I would spend every day from now until the time I want to get pregnant (and possibly after depending if the chemo causes infertility or not) worrying. That isn't a risk that I am willing to live with! Of course I am praying that these preserved eggs will never even be needed and that I will be able to have a child naturally after chemo therapy, but I am still so thankful for this option. This is just plan B. Either way I'll be calling my future children miracle babies because I know God will take care of this situation just like He's taken care of everything else! 

My Miracle


2/1/13

      After two pretty rough days today felt like a fresh start. God knew just what I needed...a reminder that He's still in control and that He's still taking care of me! Nervous as always, Mama and I went to my doctor's appointment this morning to get the results of my last CT and PET scans. We received amazing news! The cancer hasn't spread and based off these new scans the cancer isn't in the lymph nodes on the left side of my neck like they originally thought, like the PET scan in Chapel Hill less than a month earlier had shown. God is so good!!! Such an answered prayer! Yes, I still have cancer, but the Lord still worked a miracle! I know without a doubt that He is the only reason that the left side of my neck is now cancer free! That side of my neck was never touched during surgery...the cancer simply went away! A miracle is the only explanation! He worked a miracle just like I asked Him to. Once again the Lord is working in my life, adding to my testimony. How could someone hear about a miracle and still not believe? God is so amazing. So powerful! I can't even get over it! It really hasn't even fully sank in yet!

"You are the God who performs miracles; You display Your power among the people's." -Psalm 77:14

Ephesians 4:27

2/1/13

      The past few days have all ran together. Ever since we arrived in Houston on Monday night we've been going non stop. We're trying to get everything in order for our new life out here and things set up for me to begin my treatments. At first I was doing pretty well, but sometime around Wednesday night I really started breaking down. That attitude rolled into most of the day Thursday, except when Dad and our cousin Jon finally arrived in Katy with all of our stuff and I was too busy unpacking to stop and worry. I was allowing the devil to use every little thing possible to tear me down and take my focus off of the positives and most importantly the fact that God is still in control. The devil wants to creep in my mind and make me forget that God has the power to heal me and that the Lord will give me the strength I need to get through this situation. I do not have to fight this alone, but Satan is fully aware of that, and that makes him all the more determined to try and weaken me by filling my head with negative thoughts. I am determined not to fall into his trap! In my situation I know it's okay to have a breakdown every once in a while or to cry myself to sleep, like I did on Wednesday night, but that was the first time that has ever happened since being diagnosed with cancer. I'm not trying to give myself a pat on the back or boast in myself in any way, but I think that the devil sees how I am trying so hard to stay close to the Lord through all of this and how I am depending on Him to get me through this trial and that is driving him crazy! So now he's trying extra hard to tear me down, to pull me away from God, by pointing out the negative aspects of this situation. I just have to keep this in mind because I refuse to let him win! The bible says:

"Do not give the devil a way to defeat you." -Ephesians 4:27

I have to keep my faith and trust in the Lord and shake off those negative thoughts. God is always in control!

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Overwhelmed

1/28/13

      My life has felt so unreal the past couple of days. My emotions are running haywire and I am trying so hard to stay strong. There are moments when I am alright, usually if I am doing something to take my mind off things. Then there are other times when I think to myself, "Is this really my life?"   I can't help but think this is nothing like I imagined my life would be like at 25 years old. I never thought I would have to face any of this so young...having cancer, not once but twice, and now having to move hundreds of miles away from my family and friends and the only place I've ever lived to start radiation and chemo therapy. Overwhelmed is the only way to describe how I feel sometimes. I still do not doubt the Lord's power to heal me, give me His strength to get through this trial, or pour out His peace and comfort upon me, but dealing with so much change is extremely overwhelming. I can't even imagine how difficult this would be if my family and I didn't have our faith and the Lord walking with us each and every step of the way!
      Yesterday and today I had to pack up the majority of my life and say my "see you laters" which tore my heart out! I cried even more than I had expected. I was homesick before I even left. After bawling my eyes out telling Nana goodbye and still crying as we pulled out of our driveway I looked down to Papa Stott's old store building and there stood more family and friends than I could count. They were waving and holding purple balloons and more balloons were tied to the fence posts. We stopped our car at the stop sign across the road and I waved and told them all I loved them. Of course this caused the tears to flow even more! This time it was both happy and sad tears. Happy to have such loving, caring people in my life, but sad to be leaving them behind. Even though these are difficult circumstances, this was one of the most precious moments of my life and something I will never forget! I am one blessed girl!

Miracles


1/25/13

      I can't help but think about my upcoming PET scan. The hospital at UNC didn't send my PET scan along with the rest of my records to MD Anderson, but my new doctors prefer to have their own scans done anyway, so new scans will be done early next week. I can't help but think about a miracle and I'm not afraid to pray for one...that when the new PET scan is done there is not a trace of cancer found anywhere in my body! I would love to be able to explain, with pure confidence, that this happened simply because God heard and answered mine along with hundreds of others prayers for my healing! Wow! What a testimony that would be! I know without a single doubt God is more than capable of performing this miracle. He is the Ultimate Healer, the Great Physician! 
      I am not trying to sound doubtful or pessimistic by saying this, but if that miracle doesn't happen this week, the way I want, that doesn't mean that a miracle won't happen or that He won't heal me. I still have complete faith that He is going to heal me, but in His timing, not mine. In His way, not mine. His plan may be for me to be healed through the treatments and my doctors. I don't know what He has planned. He may want me to stay in Houston for a little bit. Maybe that is all part of His plan for my future. Maybe there are certain people in Houston who I am supposed to cross paths with, to witness to, or strengthen my own faith, to become friends with. The possibilities are endless. I just have to have faith that my life is taken care of! 

"God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand his wisdom, but we simply have to trust His will." 
(Romans 8:28)

"Let your hope make you glad. Be patient in time of trouble and never stop praying." -Romans 12:12

"Sometimes all you need is faith as big as a mustard seed and God will do the rest." (Luke 17:6, Matthew 17:20) 

First Trip to Houston

1/25/13

      This afternoon we got home from Houston. Our trip went great...considering the circumstances. I love Houston! It's a huge city, but still had a country feel to it. The Texas flag was flying everywhere, there were tons of palm trees, gorgeous weather, and just so many things I had never seen before!
      After we arrived on Wednesday we spent most of the day driving around Katy, where we will be living while we're out here. We drove around and found my doctors' offices and then just looked around the surrounding area. Katy is a suburb of Houston and is much smaller than Houston, but compared to home, this place is crazy busy! That night we went to supper at Olive Garden and the sweetest thing happened! Since my last surgery I've had some trouble eating and didn't even think about salad being a problem until the dressing set my mouth on fire! One bite was all it took. A few minutes later the waitress came over, noticed I wasn't eating the salad and asked if I would like soup instead. She was so sweet and said she had noticed my bandages. Then she asked what type of surgery I had. When I told her I had cancer she had a persons usual reaction when they ask that question...like they realize they've just stuck their foot in their mouth. I reassured her that it was okay that she asked and that it didn't bother me to talk about it. Then she asked me a question that I have never been asked before: "How does it feel to have cancer?" I fell silent. I didn't even know how to respond. It sounds so cliche but it's something you can't explain and unless you have had cancer then you have no idea how I am feeling. I felt like I stumbled around for words and ended up mumbling something about how at first it's a shock but then I just go through the motions and do whatever it takes to get better. I can't believe I just drew a blank like that, but really there are no words to explain how I feel. This time in my life is filled with such mixed emotions. Looking back that would have been the perfect witnessing opportunity. I could've so easily shared how God has given me so much peace during my past cancer experience and my current one, but like I said, unfortunately I had no words. A few minutes after that conversation ended and we finished our supper the manager came over to our table. Long story short, our waitress had told him about me. She had told him my situation and how she loved my positive attitude. As a welcome to Houston he took care of our bill and gave us an Olive Garden gift card so we will have to come back and see them. That was so sweet! I had to hug him! We left there with the biggest smiles on our faces! Not because he took care of our bill or because of the gift card but because of the sweet people God put in our life and the simple way they made us feel welcome to Houston and that God really did lead us to the right place!
      Then on Thursday we went to all three of my doctors appointments and apartment hunting. It went well but it wore us out! My doctors discussed treatment plans with me but they still have to meet with some other head and neck doctors before making a decision. The doctors were all very hopeful, helpful, and encouraging, but receiving all that information at one time was very overwhelming!
     

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Temporary Texan

1/23/13

      Mama, Nana, and I are in the air right now on our flight to Houston. We left GSP around 7:00 this morning, had a short layover in Atlanta, and are now on our way to Texas. Even though the circumstances aren't ideal I am still so pumped about going to Texas! Who knows if or when I would have ever seen Texas otherwise. I'm choosing to look at the positive aspects of this situation! I hope when all this is over and years from now my family and I can look back on this time as "the time we lived in Texas" and not just "when Jenna was sick." I want to have some good memories while we are  living here! I'm also excited to simply be sitting here on this airplane between Mama and Nana having a good time! I love flying! The moment we hit the taxi way it takes me back to a few years ago when I took pilot lessons. As soon as we took off this morning I told myself that as soon as I am better that is something I am going to do for myself...start flying again! By now the flight to Houston is almost over. I'm ready to see if Texas is all it's cracked up to be!

      We arrived in Houston around 10:00 am (11:00 Carolina time). As soon as the plane started descending I went into tacky tourist mode and started leaning over Nana trying to take pictures out of the plane window. I was THAT girl! I was freaking out to finally see Texas...wishing Emma was here to join me because Mama and Nana didn't understand all the hype. After getting our luggage we met this precious lady who worked for the rental car company. She found out I was coming here to be a patient at MD Anderson and told me how big God is and how she would be praying for me! That was a perfect way for me to enter Texas!! What a welcome!! After getting our rental car we drove around Houston for a while to find some lunch, my doctor's office, and our hotel. I took pictures out the car window the entire time. This place had me hooked in ten minutes. Palm trees everywhere, it's so warm, it's a big city with a country feel. Everywhere I looked there was something new to see. Clearly I'm from a small town, but this is TEXAS! Plus, Friday Night Lights is my favorite show. If you've seen it you know exactly where I'm coming from, if not, you're missing out! Anyways, I also realized that today was supposed to be the date of my next 8 week checkup appointment in Chapel Hill. So, if I wouldn't have found the knot in my neck on my own a few weeks ago it would have just been found today...almost three weeks later. Scary. It paid off that I was super paranoid and was constantly checking myself!! I am so thankful for that! But it's funny how things work out. If I hadn't felt the knot on my own, today I would've been in Chapel Hill, going to my normal checkup expecting good results and getting blown away by news that would change my life. Instead, on that very same day I left for Houston because I found the knot weeks ago and ALREADY faced the bad news and the surgery. Things could've been so much worse but The Lord saved me from that. I truly believe that. God is so good!!!

Monday, January 21, 2013

Headed to Houston

1/20/13

      I have been home from the hospital for a few days now and everything has been such a blur. One of the first things I found out after waking up from surgery was the fact that I am moving to Houston, Texas to continue my treatments at MD Anderson. That was quite a surprise. While in surgery some of the cancer in my lymph nodes were too close to nerves in my neck to remove so I will have to be treated with chemo and radiation and my oncologist recommended the best, MD Anderson. So when I woke up, I found out the plan. I came home from the hospital in Chapel Hill a few days ago, feeling really well, thankfully, and have been preparing for the move ever since. It's crazy how a week ago I hadn't even had surgery yet and two weeks ago I still thought I was cancer free. It's a little scary how quickly things can change. Today as I was packing up my room I felt like I was only packing to go to the beach for vacation. It hasn't set in yet. I basically only have one day left in Carolina because I fly out to Houston on Wednesday morning, will shortly be home over the weekend long enough to move our things, and then back to Texas. I really feel like everything is falling into place with MD Anderson and this is really where the Lord is leading me to continue my treatment. I have heard nothing but wonderful things about this hospital and it is said to be the best. I truly believe that the Lord is going to use this facility and the doctors there to heal me and I will be back in the Carolina's in no time and better than ever!