I have learned so much through this trial. Much more than I could ever begin to write about or attempt to explain. One aspect that has really been on my heart over the past few days is how so many people, both loved ones and strangers, both new friends and old, have stepped up to the plate in more ways than one and been there for me and my family! Never in my life have I seen anything like this! People from my hometown and the surrounding area have "Painted the Town Purple" in support of me because it has always been my favorite color. I'm talking purple ribbons on store fronts, mailboxes, and front doors, purple bows, purple balloons, the works! I actually just found out that back home on St. Patrick's Day this year people will be sporting purple instead of green! I could be wrong, but I don't know of any other cancer patient in the entire world who has an entire town behind her like this! I would love to be closer to home so I could see all of this first hand but I love seeing the pictures! Either way, it's amazing and I feel so blessed! Along with painting the town purple I have revived more cards than I can count! Every single day we have a mailbox full of cards and packages providing us with words of love and encouragement and many scriptures! So sweet! Oh, and the fundraisers!!! So much work from my family, my church family, and hometown friends have gone into making these fundraisers happen and making them successful. My cousins especially have blown my mind! Countless hours of getting together and planning every last detail, along with having t-shirts designed and ready to sell on my behalf! Not to mention the most precious going away gift they had made specially for me which included bible verses and hand written notes. I have also met some of the most loving, prayerful, supportive new friends since I moved to Texas! I know without a doubt that the Lord placed them in my life for a reason. He knew My family and I needed them, along with their church family, during this time. Everyone I have met in this church family opened up their arms to me the very first time we ever met. I was a complete stranger, a thousand miles from home, and they were willing to help my family and me in any way possible. Nothing short of amazing! That is the kind of love and generosity the Lord expects from His people and the type of love and generosity I strive for.
I'm not trying to sound, by any means, like this experience is about how much people can do for me or how much people can give me, but it has been a huge wake up call for me! I've realized that I have some of the most loving, encouraging, generous, faithful people in my life and I now aspire to be more like them! They are also some real prayer warriors!! When they say they are going to pray for me, they mean it! They are constantly praying for me and they remind me of that daily! I think of how many times in past years I have known of someone who was in a similar situation, sick or going through a difficult time, and I said I would pray for them. Yes, I prayed for them, maybe a time or two, but I now realize that as christians we are called to do more, as much as we can. We are called to be generous, and I do not mean simply with money, but with our time, our love, our efforts, and most importantly our prayers! I see what all my loved ones are doing for me during this trial...simple text messages just to check on me, reminders that they are praying for me, sweet cards to make me laugh, cry, and encourage me all in one! Some send flowers or baked goodies. I even received some Valentine's Day packages. During times like this it really is the thought that counts! So when this trial of mine is over I need to keep this in mind. It took witnessing it up close and personal for me to realize this was an area which I was clearly lacking. I know how much all of this has meant to me so I need to show more generosity to others who are in my shoes! It is so easy to think, "I don't know what to say to her," "I don't want to bother her," or maybe think it's awkward to talk to someone who has cancer, especially a young person. I think some people just don't know how to deal with things like sickness or exactly how to go about it, but take it from me, saying one little thing is better than saying nothing at all! A cancer patient is still the same person they were before, just having a little bump in the road. A simple message saying, "I'm praying for you," or something along those lines is all it takes. A good first step. I've had my wake up call recently, maybe this blog post will help others. The Lord calls us to be loving, generous servants and He calls us to obey Him.
"...the Lord Jesus himself said: 'It is more blessed to give than to receive.'" -Acts 20:35
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control." -Galatians 5:22-23
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Let the Countdown Begin!
Yep, I'm blogging from the infusion room as I get my chemo therapy today for the first time! I'm going to be sitting here for about seven hours today so I figured "Why not?" Seven hours! Good thing I only have to do this once every three weeks. Otherwise I would go stir crazy! Once again the Lord has given me such peace and comfort. I am feeling so positive and upbeat right now. I'm just laying back with a pillow and blanket, watching TV, sipping on apple juice, and talking to Mama. I even had a good nights sleep last night, which I was worried about. Everyone's prayers for me are working. I can feel them and today is proof! My first day of chemo therapy is nothing like I thought it would be. I never expected to feel this calm, but I should've known that the Lord would allow me to feel His Presence in an extra special way today, a reminder that I am not alone. He is not only my Healer but my Comforter!
This time yesterday was a different story. I was at the main hospital in Houston getting my picc line put in. I slept awful the night before because I was feeling so anxious. I knew that somehow the thin catheter had to run under my skin all the way from my arm to my chest and that I would be awake as they inserted this, but I didn't know how this procedure would be done nor did I want to find out. Of course I was anxious! After we arrived at the hospital the nurse had another patient and myself go into a classroom and watch a video about the picc line procedure. This tore my nerves up! I immediately started tearing up. If it hadn't been for the other patient in the room I probably would've completely lost it. I just knew he was going to have to go through the very same thing and I didn't want to make it any worse for him. I pulled myself together and barely paid any attention to the video. Why were they making me watch this? This isn't a Do-It-Yourself procedure so why do I need to see how this is done! I'm one of those people that if it has to be done then don't tell me about it, just do it and I won't watch. So needless to say, after the video I was more shook up about the picc line than I ever was before. After I was taken back to the procedure room the nurse who would be taking care of me was so precious and she made this procedure seem much less extreme. After talking with her I even decided against the "happy juice" to relax me or even make me sleep during the procedure. She said she would numb my arm, of course, and that was good enough for me. Sure enough, after the shot I barely felt a thing. I, well mostly that video which was completely uncalled for, had me all worked up for nothing!
"For I am the Lord, your healer." -Exodus 15:26
"Yet I am always with You; You hold me by my right hand." Psalm 73:23
"You walk beside me giving strength I've never known. I am not alone." - I Am Not Alone by Natalie Grant
This time yesterday was a different story. I was at the main hospital in Houston getting my picc line put in. I slept awful the night before because I was feeling so anxious. I knew that somehow the thin catheter had to run under my skin all the way from my arm to my chest and that I would be awake as they inserted this, but I didn't know how this procedure would be done nor did I want to find out. Of course I was anxious! After we arrived at the hospital the nurse had another patient and myself go into a classroom and watch a video about the picc line procedure. This tore my nerves up! I immediately started tearing up. If it hadn't been for the other patient in the room I probably would've completely lost it. I just knew he was going to have to go through the very same thing and I didn't want to make it any worse for him. I pulled myself together and barely paid any attention to the video. Why were they making me watch this? This isn't a Do-It-Yourself procedure so why do I need to see how this is done! I'm one of those people that if it has to be done then don't tell me about it, just do it and I won't watch. So needless to say, after the video I was more shook up about the picc line than I ever was before. After I was taken back to the procedure room the nurse who would be taking care of me was so precious and she made this procedure seem much less extreme. After talking with her I even decided against the "happy juice" to relax me or even make me sleep during the procedure. She said she would numb my arm, of course, and that was good enough for me. Sure enough, after the shot I barely felt a thing. I, well mostly that video which was completely uncalled for, had me all worked up for nothing!
"For I am the Lord, your healer." -Exodus 15:26
"Yet I am always with You; You hold me by my right hand." Psalm 73:23
"You walk beside me giving strength I've never known. I am not alone." - I Am Not Alone by Natalie Grant
Monday, February 25, 2013
Pretend Preggers
The past week has been rough!! I had no clue this IVF process would take such a toll on my body. The side effects really started kicking in around last Monday, 6 days after beginning the shots, and they continued to get worse as the week went on. My stomach felt very swollen, so much that I was very uncomfortable. I looked like I had a little baby bump, but really I was just swollen from things inside me, like my ovaries, being enlarged. How crazy is that! I was also feeling really nauseous and my hormones were all out of wack. Much like a typical pregnant woman. This whole process was mind blowing to me, how your body thinks you're pregnant and reacts in that manner. Crazy! I was going every two days for ultrasounds and bloodwork to keep an eye on my progress, and I actually ended up progressing very quickly and having the procedure to remove my eggs two days ahead of schedule. That was such a relief to me because it meant no more shots and two days closer to feeling more normal. I had the procedure early Friday morning, but unfortunately, my doctor said it would be a couple more weeks before I felt better. The nurse said it takes a little time for your body to realize that you're not really pregnant and for everything to start recovering. Greeaaat! Just what I need when I'm scheduled to start chemo on Thursday! This experience has been tough, but don't get me wrong, I still know that I made the right decision by having this procedure! Anyways, since Friday I have been feeling much worse than I did before the procedure. The swelling has increased and I feel so "puffy" that at times I even feel short of breath. The anesthesia they used caused me to have awful headaches almost constantly Friday through early this morning, and the nausea has also increased. I have slept more in the past three days than I have been awake, because the medicine they put me on completely knocked me off my feet and put me in zombie mode. This morning I woke up not feeling too well, but the headache had lightened, so I decided against the nausea and headache meds. I like to think I have a pretty high pain tolerance, so I would rather deal with a little pain today and at least feel like I'm back in the world! During those rough few days my dad and my nana flew out here to visit us. I had been looking forward to that for weeks, so I'm disappointed that I didn't get to enjoy our time more...or really even be awake more! Even though next time they visit I will be going though chemo therapy, I hope and pray that I am well enough to spend more time with them! Even though I know this is where I need to be, it's still so hard being this far from home.
As I'm starting to feel better this afternoon, and I'm actually awake, that means I'm thinking about what the next few days hold. On Wednesday morning I go to Houston to have my port put in and on Thursday I go to my doctor, here in Katy, for my first day of chemo therapy. I am trying so hard to take it one day at a time, but that's easier said than done. I hate dreading something. I think I would rather just be surprised...just walk into the doctor's office on Thursday and him tell me that today's the day. Then I would have no time to worry, no time to stress, etc. I would just do as he says and go through the motions. I'm learning that is what I prefer, otherwise I stress myself out! However, since I do know what's coming in the next couple of days, I'm trying to look at the positives. The sooner I start chemo, the sooner it will be over! So on Thursday the countdown begins!! I'm not going to view it as my first day of chemo but as the first day of my countdown. That sounds much more optimistic! I know this is going to be tough, but I also know that I can do it! The Lord will give me strength and He will fight for me!
"Do not be afraid or discouraged...For the battle is not yours, but God's." -2 Chronicles 20:15
"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7
As I'm starting to feel better this afternoon, and I'm actually awake, that means I'm thinking about what the next few days hold. On Wednesday morning I go to Houston to have my port put in and on Thursday I go to my doctor, here in Katy, for my first day of chemo therapy. I am trying so hard to take it one day at a time, but that's easier said than done. I hate dreading something. I think I would rather just be surprised...just walk into the doctor's office on Thursday and him tell me that today's the day. Then I would have no time to worry, no time to stress, etc. I would just do as he says and go through the motions. I'm learning that is what I prefer, otherwise I stress myself out! However, since I do know what's coming in the next couple of days, I'm trying to look at the positives. The sooner I start chemo, the sooner it will be over! So on Thursday the countdown begins!! I'm not going to view it as my first day of chemo but as the first day of my countdown. That sounds much more optimistic! I know this is going to be tough, but I also know that I can do it! The Lord will give me strength and He will fight for me!
"Do not be afraid or discouraged...For the battle is not yours, but God's." -2 Chronicles 20:15
"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7
Friday, February 15, 2013
New Experiences
2/15/13
It's hard to believe another week has already gone by. Another week full of doctor appointments and new experiences. On Monday night I attended a two hour long class on In Vitro Fertilization. First of all there was only one other girl in the class besides myself who was not accompanied by her husband. I thought, "Great, I look like I'm here alone while my dead beat baby daddy is off doing who knows what...and I'm not even wearing a ring!" I could either tell people my cancer sob story or make up a really good story about where my "husband" is. Obviously, I wouldn't seriously do either, but both options were tempting! Haha. Also, I was the only patient in the class who wasn't trying to get pregnant. All of the other couples were so excited! I couldn't help but think how at the end of this process (if everything goes as planned) they will be expecting a baby, and all I get is to start chemo therapy. That was one of those times when I have to stop the "life's not fair" moments from remaining in my mind. I simply have to be grateful for this option, my plan B, and leave it at that.
I thought that Tuesday was actually going to be a fun experience but I was so wrong! Emma, my sister aka my hair advisor, and I were going to Houston to look at wigs. I was warned weeks ago that I will lose my hair during chemo therapy, not that it was really a surprise to me. I have always been extremely funny about my hair...always afraid to cut it short or do anything to the color except get highlights, but after getting this news I let Emma chop it off. I finally realized, well was forced to realize, that it's just hair. It will grow back! Anyways, I had heard that the salon at MD Anderson gave one free wig to each cancer patient, so we decided to check these out first. As soon as we walked in the door the first thing the lady said was "We don't have any blonde wigs here." I was polite and looked at the, no joke, selection of nine or ten wigs they had to choose from, but they all looked too old for me and too dark for my complexion. You can't tell me I'm the only cancer patient with blonde hair! We left the salon and I called mama and I started crying within the first thirty seconds. I know I'm not going to feel like myself during my treatments, but I'm hoping that with the help of a good wig I can at least look like my old self. On Tuesday we ended up going to two more wig shops, and that took up the rest of our day. By the end of the day I was both physically and emotionally drained. Believe it or not, we went to another wig shop that also didn't have blonde wigs. Are you kidding me?! That shop also gave out free wigs to cancer patients. I should've known beforehand that when something is free there is usually a catch! Long story short, I finally found a wonderful salon, where I can get a blonde wig! My oncologist had given me a perscription for a wig so hopefully my insurance will help with the cost considering some of these wigs are quite expensive. Who would've thought wig shopping would've been such a task? Maybe when all this is over I should open up my own shop aimed towards young cancer patients....clearly it's needed!
On Wednesday evening I began taking my fertility shots. Two shots a day for ten to twelve days. I am so used to getting stuck that a needle is a piece of cake, but having to give myself two shots in my stomach is a different story...that's why I have Mama do it! Tonight while trying to mix the medications and get the shots ready I had a little breakdown, a little pity party. I couldn't believe I was having to go through this on top of everything else, but after a few minutes I got a grip and got through both shots. Last night was the same routine, minus the breakdown. Two shots in my stomach. Today I was telling my friend about the shots and how my nurse was telling me about the side effects. She said my body would think I was pregnant, then a few days after the procedure it would realize I'm not and start recovering. It's crazy how during this process I am supposed to take prenatal vitamins and to avoid other medications, just like I would do if I really was pregnant. This whole process blows my mind and that's what I have to keep reminding myself every time I get overwhelmed about these shots or the upcoming procedure. I'm doing this all for my future baby. I was kidding around today and said I was going to take pictures of myself getting these shots so my future baby will know all I went though just for them! Haha I said that jokingly but in all seriousness keeping a journal or scrapbook might be a neat idea!
Today I found out I will be starting my chemo therapy on Thursday, February 28th. Thinking about it too much makes me nervous and anxious, but I am ready to get the show on the road. I just have to pray! The Lord has brought me this far...He won't leave me now!
It's hard to believe another week has already gone by. Another week full of doctor appointments and new experiences. On Monday night I attended a two hour long class on In Vitro Fertilization. First of all there was only one other girl in the class besides myself who was not accompanied by her husband. I thought, "Great, I look like I'm here alone while my dead beat baby daddy is off doing who knows what...and I'm not even wearing a ring!" I could either tell people my cancer sob story or make up a really good story about where my "husband" is. Obviously, I wouldn't seriously do either, but both options were tempting! Haha. Also, I was the only patient in the class who wasn't trying to get pregnant. All of the other couples were so excited! I couldn't help but think how at the end of this process (if everything goes as planned) they will be expecting a baby, and all I get is to start chemo therapy. That was one of those times when I have to stop the "life's not fair" moments from remaining in my mind. I simply have to be grateful for this option, my plan B, and leave it at that.
I thought that Tuesday was actually going to be a fun experience but I was so wrong! Emma, my sister aka my hair advisor, and I were going to Houston to look at wigs. I was warned weeks ago that I will lose my hair during chemo therapy, not that it was really a surprise to me. I have always been extremely funny about my hair...always afraid to cut it short or do anything to the color except get highlights, but after getting this news I let Emma chop it off. I finally realized, well was forced to realize, that it's just hair. It will grow back! Anyways, I had heard that the salon at MD Anderson gave one free wig to each cancer patient, so we decided to check these out first. As soon as we walked in the door the first thing the lady said was "We don't have any blonde wigs here." I was polite and looked at the, no joke, selection of nine or ten wigs they had to choose from, but they all looked too old for me and too dark for my complexion. You can't tell me I'm the only cancer patient with blonde hair! We left the salon and I called mama and I started crying within the first thirty seconds. I know I'm not going to feel like myself during my treatments, but I'm hoping that with the help of a good wig I can at least look like my old self. On Tuesday we ended up going to two more wig shops, and that took up the rest of our day. By the end of the day I was both physically and emotionally drained. Believe it or not, we went to another wig shop that also didn't have blonde wigs. Are you kidding me?! That shop also gave out free wigs to cancer patients. I should've known beforehand that when something is free there is usually a catch! Long story short, I finally found a wonderful salon, where I can get a blonde wig! My oncologist had given me a perscription for a wig so hopefully my insurance will help with the cost considering some of these wigs are quite expensive. Who would've thought wig shopping would've been such a task? Maybe when all this is over I should open up my own shop aimed towards young cancer patients....clearly it's needed!
On Wednesday evening I began taking my fertility shots. Two shots a day for ten to twelve days. I am so used to getting stuck that a needle is a piece of cake, but having to give myself two shots in my stomach is a different story...that's why I have Mama do it! Tonight while trying to mix the medications and get the shots ready I had a little breakdown, a little pity party. I couldn't believe I was having to go through this on top of everything else, but after a few minutes I got a grip and got through both shots. Last night was the same routine, minus the breakdown. Two shots in my stomach. Today I was telling my friend about the shots and how my nurse was telling me about the side effects. She said my body would think I was pregnant, then a few days after the procedure it would realize I'm not and start recovering. It's crazy how during this process I am supposed to take prenatal vitamins and to avoid other medications, just like I would do if I really was pregnant. This whole process blows my mind and that's what I have to keep reminding myself every time I get overwhelmed about these shots or the upcoming procedure. I'm doing this all for my future baby. I was kidding around today and said I was going to take pictures of myself getting these shots so my future baby will know all I went though just for them! Haha I said that jokingly but in all seriousness keeping a journal or scrapbook might be a neat idea!
Today I found out I will be starting my chemo therapy on Thursday, February 28th. Thinking about it too much makes me nervous and anxious, but I am ready to get the show on the road. I just have to pray! The Lord has brought me this far...He won't leave me now!
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Why Do I Doubt?
2/8/13
Yesterday I went to the hospital in Houston for an ultrasound of my thyroid. When I had my CT and PET scans last week the doctors saw a spot on my thyroid that they wanted to take a closer look at. My oncologist said it was very unlikely that I would have two types of cancer, squamous cell carcinoma and thyroid cancer, but they would need to do an ultrasound and possibly a biopsy to know for sure. My doctor went on to say how if I have thyroid cancer it won't necessarily be a huge deal. I'm thinking "Yeaaaah right!" He said it would mean another surgery and my treatment plan would change. At first I thought "Great, something else for me to worry about for the next few days," but really I haven't been thinking too much about it. I think since my doctor seemed so easy going about it that it put me at ease. Well that all changed when I got to the hospital for the ultrasound this morning. From the moment I put on the hospital gown I turned into a wreck. I couldn't stop crying to save my life. Mama sat beside me as I waited in this special waiting area behind a curtain. She held my hand and prayed with me, trying so hard to calm my nerves. I just couldn't stand the thought of more cancer. As I sat there trying to pull myself together the nurse came to the other side of the curtain to get another patient for his ultrasound. Then Mama heard him say "Take that little girl first. I can wait". The nurse didn't do as he asked but that was okay. It was the thought that counted. That man knew nothing about me, knew nothing about my situation or why I was having an ultrasound, but he knew I was clearly upset and was willing to put me before himself. Somehow that calmed my nerves a little bit, just knowing that there are such sweet people still in the world. I know that was a God thing! A few minutes later it was time for my ultrasound. The ultrasound technician was precious. I know God put her in my path for a reason and she felt the same way. She was a cancer patient herself and was currently going through chemo therapy. She said she doesn't share her story with all her patients but she thought I should hear it as encouragement. She was so uplifting! God knew that was exactly what I needed to hear! The ultrasound couldn't go by fast enough! It seemed to take forever. Images were taken of my entire neck so the radiologist could look at my lymph nodes and my thyroid. Finally after the ultrasound was over the nurse came in and said that nothing showed up on my thyroid (thank God) but that there was a lymph node on the left side of my neck that looked strange so they wanted to biopsy it. I was so relieved that nothing showed up on my thyroid! No thyroid cancer! Praise God! Another miracle! Even though a biopsy was needed for a lymph node on the left side of my neck I wasn't upset at all because at UNC cancer showed up in those lymph nodes on the PET scan, just not on my newest scan here at MD Anderson, so if cancer was in just this one left lymph node I wouldn't be too surprised. Plus, before my last surgery I had felt a knot in the upper left side of my neck, like when I found the knot of cancer on the other side, so I just thought I had diagnosed myself once again! Anyways, long story short the radiologist took a biopsy of that lymph node, and the sweet ultrasound technician held my hand the entire time! i am so thankful for her! About thirty minutes later the results came back and it Was NOT cancer! It was just some type of gland in my neck that was possibly swollen or something. I don't exactly remember how she described it because at that point I didn't care! I was just in awe of how great this day had turned out. God had saved me TWICE in one day! Amazing! I don't know why I continue to doubt him! It reminds me of this passage from the bible:
"Lord, if it's You," Peter replied, "tell me to come to You on the water." "Come," He said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out His hand and caught him. "You of little faith," He said, "why did you doubt?" And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. -Matthew 14:28-32
Yesterday I went to the hospital in Houston for an ultrasound of my thyroid. When I had my CT and PET scans last week the doctors saw a spot on my thyroid that they wanted to take a closer look at. My oncologist said it was very unlikely that I would have two types of cancer, squamous cell carcinoma and thyroid cancer, but they would need to do an ultrasound and possibly a biopsy to know for sure. My doctor went on to say how if I have thyroid cancer it won't necessarily be a huge deal. I'm thinking "Yeaaaah right!" He said it would mean another surgery and my treatment plan would change. At first I thought "Great, something else for me to worry about for the next few days," but really I haven't been thinking too much about it. I think since my doctor seemed so easy going about it that it put me at ease. Well that all changed when I got to the hospital for the ultrasound this morning. From the moment I put on the hospital gown I turned into a wreck. I couldn't stop crying to save my life. Mama sat beside me as I waited in this special waiting area behind a curtain. She held my hand and prayed with me, trying so hard to calm my nerves. I just couldn't stand the thought of more cancer. As I sat there trying to pull myself together the nurse came to the other side of the curtain to get another patient for his ultrasound. Then Mama heard him say "Take that little girl first. I can wait". The nurse didn't do as he asked but that was okay. It was the thought that counted. That man knew nothing about me, knew nothing about my situation or why I was having an ultrasound, but he knew I was clearly upset and was willing to put me before himself. Somehow that calmed my nerves a little bit, just knowing that there are such sweet people still in the world. I know that was a God thing! A few minutes later it was time for my ultrasound. The ultrasound technician was precious. I know God put her in my path for a reason and she felt the same way. She was a cancer patient herself and was currently going through chemo therapy. She said she doesn't share her story with all her patients but she thought I should hear it as encouragement. She was so uplifting! God knew that was exactly what I needed to hear! The ultrasound couldn't go by fast enough! It seemed to take forever. Images were taken of my entire neck so the radiologist could look at my lymph nodes and my thyroid. Finally after the ultrasound was over the nurse came in and said that nothing showed up on my thyroid (thank God) but that there was a lymph node on the left side of my neck that looked strange so they wanted to biopsy it. I was so relieved that nothing showed up on my thyroid! No thyroid cancer! Praise God! Another miracle! Even though a biopsy was needed for a lymph node on the left side of my neck I wasn't upset at all because at UNC cancer showed up in those lymph nodes on the PET scan, just not on my newest scan here at MD Anderson, so if cancer was in just this one left lymph node I wouldn't be too surprised. Plus, before my last surgery I had felt a knot in the upper left side of my neck, like when I found the knot of cancer on the other side, so I just thought I had diagnosed myself once again! Anyways, long story short the radiologist took a biopsy of that lymph node, and the sweet ultrasound technician held my hand the entire time! i am so thankful for her! About thirty minutes later the results came back and it Was NOT cancer! It was just some type of gland in my neck that was possibly swollen or something. I don't exactly remember how she described it because at that point I didn't care! I was just in awe of how great this day had turned out. God had saved me TWICE in one day! Amazing! I don't know why I continue to doubt him! It reminds me of this passage from the bible:
"Lord, if it's You," Peter replied, "tell me to come to You on the water." "Come," He said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out His hand and caught him. "You of little faith," He said, "why did you doubt?" And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. -Matthew 14:28-32
Friday, February 8, 2013
Miracle Babies
2/6/13
I can't believe how fast time is going by here! I hope it goes by this quickly once my treatments begin! Of course this week has also been a little overwhelming, but overall it has been pretty nice. On Monday I spent four hours at the fertility doctor. At first the appointment wasn't going too well and even though I was doing a decent job of hiding it, my nerves were shot, but by the time we finally left I was feeling a little better. All of the information was just so overwhelming! We found out that the process to have my eggs preserved is a little more costly than we were first told. It is going to cost around $10,000 and you have to pay it all up front! When my oncologist first told me about the possibility of freezing my eggs (he mentioned this idea to me because there is a 10-20% chance that chemo can cause infertility...possibly an even smaller percentage because of the type of chemo I will be having) he said it would be expensive but I knew right away it was something I definitely wanted to do. Even though the percentage is small I can't take that risk. I would rather be safe than sorry. With all that I am going through I can't give that up too! Sitting in the doctor's office today I was trying to take all of this information in, all while trying not to cry. Not only was I overwhelmed by the cost, which insurance doesn't cover, but I was also overwhelmed by the process itself. If having cancer has taught me anything it's that my pain tolerance is a mile higher than I ever expected it to be, so the doctor discussing how I would have to give myself shots in my stomach for ten days and then have a minor surgical procedure which would be followed by two weeks of pretty intense stomach pains didn't scare me that much. What scares me is the thought of putting off my treatments for that long. The fertility doctor said this entire process will take two to three weeks and I will be able to start chemo therapy right after the surgery. Two to three more weeks! I just don't like the sounds of that. I want this cancer out of my body now! I am not patient about that! I am so anxious to start my treatments even though my oncologist said it will be okay to wait, if I choose to preserve my eggs, since the cancer hasn't spread and since the majority of the cancer was removed during my last surgery. Sitting here taking all of this in made my mind go crazy! As crazy as it may sound, I felt like I was having to choose between putting my own life in danger, by putting off my chemo, or choosing my future baby. It was seriously making me sick to my stomach. Mama knew how worried I was about putting off my treatment, no matter what my doctor said, and about the expense. She kept asking what I thought I needed to do and no matter what, I know that I have to do this. I have always wanted a baby and I know that if I didn't have this procedure done I would spend every day from now until the time I want to get pregnant (and possibly after depending if the chemo causes infertility or not) worrying. That isn't a risk that I am willing to live with! Of course I am praying that these preserved eggs will never even be needed and that I will be able to have a child naturally after chemo therapy, but I am still so thankful for this option. This is just plan B. Either way I'll be calling my future children miracle babies because I know God will take care of this situation just like He's taken care of everything else!
My Miracle
2/1/13
After two pretty rough days today felt like a fresh start. God knew just what I needed...a reminder that He's still in control and that He's still taking care of me! Nervous as always, Mama and I went to my doctor's appointment this morning to get the results of my last CT and PET scans. We received amazing news! The cancer hasn't spread and based off these new scans the cancer isn't in the lymph nodes on the left side of my neck like they originally thought, like the PET scan in Chapel Hill less than a month earlier had shown. God is so good!!! Such an answered prayer! Yes, I still have cancer, but the Lord still worked a miracle! I know without a doubt that He is the only reason that the left side of my neck is now cancer free! That side of my neck was never touched during surgery...the cancer simply went away! A miracle is the only explanation! He worked a miracle just like I asked Him to. Once again the Lord is working in my life, adding to my testimony. How could someone hear about a miracle and still not believe? God is so amazing. So powerful! I can't even get over it! It really hasn't even fully sank in yet!
"You are the God who performs miracles; You display Your power among the people's." -Psalm 77:14
Ephesians 4:27
2/1/13
The past few days have all ran together. Ever since we arrived in Houston on Monday night we've been going non stop. We're trying to get everything in order for our new life out here and things set up for me to begin my treatments. At first I was doing pretty well, but sometime around Wednesday night I really started breaking down. That attitude rolled into most of the day Thursday, except when Dad and our cousin Jon finally arrived in Katy with all of our stuff and I was too busy unpacking to stop and worry. I was allowing the devil to use every little thing possible to tear me down and take my focus off of the positives and most importantly the fact that God is still in control. The devil wants to creep in my mind and make me forget that God has the power to heal me and that the Lord will give me the strength I need to get through this situation. I do not have to fight this alone, but Satan is fully aware of that, and that makes him all the more determined to try and weaken me by filling my head with negative thoughts. I am determined not to fall into his trap! In my situation I know it's okay to have a breakdown every once in a while or to cry myself to sleep, like I did on Wednesday night, but that was the first time that has ever happened since being diagnosed with cancer. I'm not trying to give myself a pat on the back or boast in myself in any way, but I think that the devil sees how I am trying so hard to stay close to the Lord through all of this and how I am depending on Him to get me through this trial and that is driving him crazy! So now he's trying extra hard to tear me down, to pull me away from God, by pointing out the negative aspects of this situation. I just have to keep this in mind because I refuse to let him win! The bible says:
"Do not give the devil a way to defeat you." -Ephesians 4:27
I have to keep my faith and trust in the Lord and shake off those negative thoughts. God is always in control!
The past few days have all ran together. Ever since we arrived in Houston on Monday night we've been going non stop. We're trying to get everything in order for our new life out here and things set up for me to begin my treatments. At first I was doing pretty well, but sometime around Wednesday night I really started breaking down. That attitude rolled into most of the day Thursday, except when Dad and our cousin Jon finally arrived in Katy with all of our stuff and I was too busy unpacking to stop and worry. I was allowing the devil to use every little thing possible to tear me down and take my focus off of the positives and most importantly the fact that God is still in control. The devil wants to creep in my mind and make me forget that God has the power to heal me and that the Lord will give me the strength I need to get through this situation. I do not have to fight this alone, but Satan is fully aware of that, and that makes him all the more determined to try and weaken me by filling my head with negative thoughts. I am determined not to fall into his trap! In my situation I know it's okay to have a breakdown every once in a while or to cry myself to sleep, like I did on Wednesday night, but that was the first time that has ever happened since being diagnosed with cancer. I'm not trying to give myself a pat on the back or boast in myself in any way, but I think that the devil sees how I am trying so hard to stay close to the Lord through all of this and how I am depending on Him to get me through this trial and that is driving him crazy! So now he's trying extra hard to tear me down, to pull me away from God, by pointing out the negative aspects of this situation. I just have to keep this in mind because I refuse to let him win! The bible says:
"Do not give the devil a way to defeat you." -Ephesians 4:27
I have to keep my faith and trust in the Lord and shake off those negative thoughts. God is always in control!
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