To put it lightly, I have been a complete basket case the past month...since I found out the great news! I have been an emotional wreck! Obviously my life has been a complete whirlwind basically the past year, so of course I'm not going to be completely level headed right now. My mama also blames some of this issue on my changes in medications from treatment, which also makes sense. Anyway, point being, I've had quite a few of "those moments" lately. Moments where I feel down in the dumps, saddened that I can't go out and do the things I enjoy due to lack of energy, aggravated at my loss of appetite (YES, stillllll!) and change in tastes, etc. Don't get me wrong, I am beyond thankful the Lord chose to heal me. Nothing even compares! I remind myself of that when I'm having a little crying spirt. I'm just ready to feel like myself again...hyper, talkative, maybe annoying, on the go. I miss that, but I know if the Lord can heal me from cancer TWICE that giving me strength, energy, and an appetite will be a piece of cake. Everyone keeps saying it will all come in time. Well patience has never been my strong point so maybe this is just part of the learning experience. Thanks to all God has taught me along this journey I'm going to bounce back new and improved!
I've also learned something else. You really never understand a person's situation until you are in their shoes. You may have had an aunt with breast cancer, a father with stomach cancer, a best friend with thyroid cancer, but until it is you, not just close to home, but actually YOU, you don't understand 100%. I've realized that even more as I've been trying to heal from radiation and chemotherapy. I know the majority of the time people mean well with their words or actions, but sometimes I'm just sensitive. People tend to hear "scans are clear" and think "Praise God! She's healed," but then forget that I still need prayer like I did before. People notice my weight loss. Yeah, I know I look bad. I don't want to be this thin, but I'm trying. I look at the number on the scale and I cry because I've just eaten a midnight snack and I've still lost more weight. I see on Facebook or hear from friend's about them going here or there and I become so jealous. I can't wait to even go to the mall again without having to be pushed in a wheelchair. I also can't wait to be able to stand up longer than a few minutes without feeling worn out. As crazy as this may sound, I miss getting ready...girl style. I used to hate the days where I would have to wake up first thing in the morning and fix my hair, put on makeup, and choose my outfit. Now I barely make time to brush my teeth, put on my wig, and slip on my yoga pants (that's basically all that fits right now), before leaving the house. All these things are silly in comparison to being healed, I am fully aware, but it doesn't stop me for longing for those days again soon! Recovering is truly a process and unless you yourself have been through it you don't understand the amount of strength, motivation, determination, courage, I could go on all day, that it takes. I don't know what dream world I was living in, but I thought I would make a complete turnaround a few weeks after completing treatments. Well treatments ended in May and I'm just now saying all this. I'm not giving up. I'll continue those midnight snacks. I also know that in time the Lord will renew my strength and I won't require twelve plus hours of sleep each night (believe me, it really does get old), and He will increase my energy, my appetite, and anything else that I could ever need. He's a God of endless resources and He wants nothing more than to take care of His children! We just have to believe it and ask!
"You don't have what you want because you don't ask God for it." -James 4:2
"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint." -Isaiah 40:31
THIS is God's promise to me...sums it all up!
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are Mine." -Isaiah 43:1
"Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth You will again bring me up." -Psalm 71:20
Wednesday, August 21, 2013
Saturday, August 3, 2013
The Best Day of My Life
The past month has been a whirlwind. The last week of June my oncologist finally gave me the okay that I was recovering well enough from my treatments to go back home. The very next day after my doctor's appointment my family and I were on a plane headed home. We were allowed to stay home four weeks and then I would have to return to Texas to have a scan to find out how I had responded to my treatments. Our time at home wasn't exactly how I had planned. I spent half the time sick and even ended up going to Gibb's Cancer Center in Spartanburg three days in a row for fluids and going to Greenville to see my other oncologist. I finally started feeling better but we only had a little over a week left at home and by this time all I could focus on was my upcoming scan.
My mama, my brother, one of my sisters, and I returned to Texas on Saturday, July 20th for my scan that Monday and we would see my doctors and find out the results on Thursday. I hated leaving home but I was surprisingly calm going back to Katy. That week I spent a lot of time reading my Bible, mostly scripture telling of Jesus's healing power. Those passages were such encouragement. I can honestly say that I never doubted the Lord's power to heal me. I know He can do anything. I was just worried that it wasn't His will to heal me. That healing me wasn't His plan for my life. I hate even saying that because I know the Lord's way is far better than mind, but I was scared and anxious. My family and I also did a lot of praying. We pray together daily, but this week we prayed like never before. Praying also helped calm my nerves. I knew that talking to the Lord, asking for His healing, His strength, and His peace was the only thing that could help me.
When Thursday morning rolled around I just woke up and went through the motions. My doctor's appointment was bright and early, at 8:30, which was good because it gave me less time to think. Once we were put in a room at the clinic it took my doctor an hour to come in. By this time my nerves were shot. I was taking this hour wait as a bad sign. I just sat there holding mama's hand and praying. All week I had the same Francesca Battistelli song stuck in my head. The chorus says, "faith is all it takes and you can walk on the water too." Wow! Even though I still believe, it still amazes me what faith can do! That is the faith I strive to have. I kept thinking of these lyrics as I sat there waiting. Finally my doctor came in and from there on I remember about one sentence and the rest is just a blank. I only remember him saying, "your scan is clear." Immediately after he said those words I started tearing up and silently thanking God. Then mama reaches out, grabs both the doctor's hand and my hand, and starts praying and thanking and praising the Lord for my healing. By this time mama and I were both sobbing and when the prayer was over I'm pretty positive I saw tears in my doctor's eyes as well. Such a special moment! Earlier in the week I was talking with mama, telling her how scared I was about getting my results. She said something I will never forget: "You may end up having the best day of your life." That was exactly what happened. The Lord was behind it all. When I didn't know what was coming, the Lord had already been there. He was with me every step of the way and never let go of my hand. He is my Savior, my Healer, and I am so blessed that He has chosen to perform so many miracles in my life. I told God I would never question why I had cancer. I am just thankful for His healing and I will continue to praise Him and give Him the credit He deserves. It wasn't the chemo, the radiation, or my doctors that healed me. The Lord used those treatments and those physicians. He is the Ultimate Healer.
"...your Father knows what you need before you ask Him." -Matthew 6:8
"Then Jesus said to the centurion, 'Go! It will be done just as you believed it would.' And Hs servant was healed at that very hour." -Matthew 8:13
"You of little faith, why do you doubt?" -Matthew 14:31
"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." -Mark 11:22-24
My mama, my brother, one of my sisters, and I returned to Texas on Saturday, July 20th for my scan that Monday and we would see my doctors and find out the results on Thursday. I hated leaving home but I was surprisingly calm going back to Katy. That week I spent a lot of time reading my Bible, mostly scripture telling of Jesus's healing power. Those passages were such encouragement. I can honestly say that I never doubted the Lord's power to heal me. I know He can do anything. I was just worried that it wasn't His will to heal me. That healing me wasn't His plan for my life. I hate even saying that because I know the Lord's way is far better than mind, but I was scared and anxious. My family and I also did a lot of praying. We pray together daily, but this week we prayed like never before. Praying also helped calm my nerves. I knew that talking to the Lord, asking for His healing, His strength, and His peace was the only thing that could help me.
When Thursday morning rolled around I just woke up and went through the motions. My doctor's appointment was bright and early, at 8:30, which was good because it gave me less time to think. Once we were put in a room at the clinic it took my doctor an hour to come in. By this time my nerves were shot. I was taking this hour wait as a bad sign. I just sat there holding mama's hand and praying. All week I had the same Francesca Battistelli song stuck in my head. The chorus says, "faith is all it takes and you can walk on the water too." Wow! Even though I still believe, it still amazes me what faith can do! That is the faith I strive to have. I kept thinking of these lyrics as I sat there waiting. Finally my doctor came in and from there on I remember about one sentence and the rest is just a blank. I only remember him saying, "your scan is clear." Immediately after he said those words I started tearing up and silently thanking God. Then mama reaches out, grabs both the doctor's hand and my hand, and starts praying and thanking and praising the Lord for my healing. By this time mama and I were both sobbing and when the prayer was over I'm pretty positive I saw tears in my doctor's eyes as well. Such a special moment! Earlier in the week I was talking with mama, telling her how scared I was about getting my results. She said something I will never forget: "You may end up having the best day of your life." That was exactly what happened. The Lord was behind it all. When I didn't know what was coming, the Lord had already been there. He was with me every step of the way and never let go of my hand. He is my Savior, my Healer, and I am so blessed that He has chosen to perform so many miracles in my life. I told God I would never question why I had cancer. I am just thankful for His healing and I will continue to praise Him and give Him the credit He deserves. It wasn't the chemo, the radiation, or my doctors that healed me. The Lord used those treatments and those physicians. He is the Ultimate Healer.
"...your Father knows what you need before you ask Him." -Matthew 6:8
"Then Jesus said to the centurion, 'Go! It will be done just as you believed it would.' And Hs servant was healed at that very hour." -Matthew 8:13
"You of little faith, why do you doubt?" -Matthew 14:31
"Have faith in God," Jesus answered. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." -Mark 11:22-24
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