Restored Hope

      I've known all along this scan was coming. After the second round of chemo it is pretty standard that the doctors ask for new scans to check and see how the patient is responding to their treatment. As the date of the scan was approaching I began getting more and more anxious. By Friday, three days before the scan, I was a nervous wreck. Since my last surgery I haven't allowed myself to feel my neck because I become a hypochondriac and will without a doubt feel a knot, so I've learned that it's best for me to just let the doctors do their job and keep my hands to myself. But on Friday afternoon in the middle of my uproar, fretting over Monday's scan, I began feeling, and sure enough I felt a knot. Of course it tears my nerves up and I started crying and even though it was after hours mama gave the doctor a call. Thankfully he was still at his office and was willing to check out my neck so I could have some peace of mind over the weekend. Once again, I am so grateful for my doctors here at MD Anderson. They will do absolutely anything for their patients! Mama and I drove over to the Katy clinic, about ten minutes from our home, and my doctor felt around my neck for any new knots. Since the knot I noticed was along the incision of my previous surgery and he didn't think the knot felt like cancer reoccurrence he wasn't worried and said it was most likely just scar tissue. I was still feeling nervous about my upcoming scan but that gave me some relief.
      The weekend came and went in the blink of an eye and before I knew it Monday morning was here. My scan was first thing that morning and went by very quickly, but that's not the hard part. The most difficult part is waiting for the results. A few hours later at my doctors appointment I received the results of my scan. The results could have been worse, and I am thankful they were not, but they were far from being the results that I had been hoping and praying for. "My cancer had not responded to the chemo" were some of the hardest words I've ever had to hear. I sat there frozen. How could this be happening? I felt like every ounce of hope was fleeing from my body. The doctor went on to say that the cancer had not spread anywhere else in my body (that's the good part, and believe me, I am extremely thankful), and that we will now stop this form of treatment and go on to the second treatment, combined radiation and chemo therapy, which had been planned all along to start after my final round of this first treatment plan. My doctor was still very encouraging and very honest. The doctors here at MD Anderson are known and loved for that! She said that my cancer is still curable and she wouldn't tell me that if it wasn't true. She said that her goal, along with the rest of my team of doctors, is to cure me. At the time all of her words were going in one ear and out the other, but I trust these doctors and I know they truly care for me and above all else I know the Lord is the Ultimate Healer and He can simply heal me with the touch of His hand or He can heal me though these amazing doctors.
      I left the doctor's office Monday afternoon feeling worse than I ever have in my entire life. Satan was on my back making me feel hopeless, filling my head with negative thoughts. My hope and faith was at the lowest point of my life. I wasn't feeling mad at God or angry for Him allowing this to happen to me, I was just sad. That's the only way to explain it. Pure sadness. I was relying on that scan for hope. A boost of confidence that the chemo was working towards healing me. All I wanted was a reassurance of hope. I kept saying that over and over all afternoon and ended up crying myself to sleep. Then my prayer for hope was answered. Later that evening I received a phone call from a friend of a friend, a man I've never met. He had heard about me and the news I received and wanted to talk with me and share his story. He was in my shoes almost nine years ago and today he is cancer free. He not only had my same type of cancer, both on the base of his tongue and in his lymph nodes, but he also did not respond to chemo therapy, but radiation did the trick! My new friend was so encouraging to me and the Lord used this conversation to restore my hope, just like I asked Him to. Such an answered prayer. My new friend answered any questions I had, told me all about the radiation process, discussed any of the feelings I am experiencing because unless you have been there you can't feel my pain. It was so nice to talk with someone who has been in my shoes. It is so amazing how this man and I even crossed paths. The Lord has placed the most amazing people in my life since we moved to Texas! He knew we would need these people to stand by us, care for us, and be our prayer warriors and I am so thankful! I also received more encouraging news on Tuesday morning when mama talked on the phone with my oncologist from back home in Spartanburg. I don't know what it is about this doctor but something about him can always calm my nerves and he is the most caring doctor I've ever met. If I could put him in my pocket and carry him around with me, I would! Anyways, he told mama that it is not uncommon for my type of cancer to not respond to chemo therapy but that doctors always try that treatment first in order to shrink the tumors, but like my doctor here in Texas said, radiation is used to cure this cancer and he is very hopeful and confident that this method of treatment will cure me. Of course I wish the chemo had worked for me, but it helps knowing that I'm not the only one, that this isn't uncommon. My oncologist also told mama tips for me during radiation, how important it is for me to gain some weight, to continue eating and drinking for as long as I can, etc. He also always says that he and his wife are praying for me and that means more to me than anything else! He is so precious and I would recommend him to any cancer patient!
      I keep thinking back to Sunday morning during church. I couldn't stay focused and I was praying and flipping through my Bible asking God to speak to me. I kept getting frustrated that my sad, worried thoughts about my upcoming scan were taking over my mind so I was about to close my Bible and give up when a verse that I had previously underlined, probably years ago, caught my eye. Psalm 103:3 says, "who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases." I had underlined "heals all your diseases." How amazing is that? I started tearing up and the biggest smile came cross my face. I never mentioned this to anyone, until writing this I've just kept it to myself, but the Lord spoke so clearly to me. He led me straight to that scripture and on days when I'm feeling hopeless or discouraged I'm just going to remind myself of that! God is so good!

"Don't be discouraged by closed doors. If God wants a door to open, all the forces of darkness cannot stop it."

"GOD is the reason why even in pain, I smile; in confusion, I understand; in betrayal, I trust; and in fear, I FIGHT."

"Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you." -Hebrews 13:5 *Talk about a promise!*

"The sick are healed and the dead are raised at the sound of Your Great Name."

March 29, 2013

      The past few days have felt so NORMAL and that has been the best feeling! However, the first several days of my second round of chemo were pretty uncomfortable. I had no appetite whatsoever, which made me feel a bit queasy and my head was very sore due to my hair loss. There were a couple times when grouchiness would creep up and take over..."I'm sick of not being hungry. I'm sick of hair being all over my sheets. I'm sick of my head being sore. I'm sick of feeling sick." Thankfully that only happened a couple times and then I would kick myself back into gear, remind myself that my side effects are not that bad at all, and be thankful that I am able to handle this chemo treatment, which I'm praying the Lord is using to rid me of my cancer. I have too much to be thankful for to allow these little things to bring me down! Anyways, as of a few days ago my energy level and appetite finally started to pick up! Also, duing this time my dad was out here visiting us for the week, so once I was finally able to get out of the bed the six of us were able to spend some time together. We did the most normal, simple things like have supper together, go to my younger brother's baseball game, and sit outside with our neighbors. It made things feel normal again, like we all still lived in the same state, or that we had all just moved to Texas, and that we weren't here because I was sick. It was also a nice change of pace to occupy our time by doing everyday things that we used to do back home rather than spending our time in a doctor's office!
      My family and I have a joke going about how spoiled I am getting because they have to help me with so many things these days. Yes, some things I need assistance with, but other things my family simply does for me because they want to or I ask. My family has always been extremely close, but this experience has made me more thankful for them than ever before. Every time my mama helps me take a bath because we have to avoid getting my port and chemo pump wet I am just so grateful for our close relationship. I don't know what I would do without her. I think the same thing every time she wakes me up in the middle of the night to give me my nausea or pain medicine, when I'm feeling weak and she brings me whatever I can eat in my bed, and when the chemo dries my skin out and she puts cream on my arms and legs before bed. She treats me like her baby and I am just so thankful that the Lord blessed me with her as my mama. The rest of my family cares for me just the same! While my daddy was here this week he made me breakfast in bed whenever I wanted, just hoping that I would get some food in my system. He would also check on me anytime of day or night to see if there was anything he could get for me or if I was comfortable enough. Whenever I am too weak or sick to get out of the bed my two sisters take turns laying with me. If I'm sleeping they don't bother me, they just lay beside me. If I'm awake they talk to me about anything other than bing sick and they are the two best people in the world to get me laughing. Being out here in Texas, away from the rest of our family and friends, has made my two sisters and me even closer than we were before. Then there's my baby brother. Well he's not so much of a baby anymore. Every time he walks past me he is either checking on me or telling me he loves me. He has the biggest heart. Even though he's getting older he still always let's me hug and kiss him like he did when he was a baby. He better never outgrow that! Most of all, he always prays for me. My family does a Bible study together every night before bed and at the end someone will pray and thank God for all He's done for us that day, all He's given us, pray for anything I'm going through, and of course pray for my healing. My brother volunteers to pray a lot and it melts my heart and makes me so proud of him! I am so thankful that I am a part of such a loving, Christian family who chose to turn to the Lord during this trial rather than turn way from Him.

"Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love Him." - James 1:12
   

Our Hope Endures

      I have always loved this song and I actually sang it a few years back in church, but now it has so much more meaning! I heard it the other day for the first time in forever and couldn't believe how much it applies to my life. Not to applaud myself in any way at all, but so many people don't understand how with all that has happened to me that I can still have a positive attitude and stay strong. Of course I have bad days...days when I cry, don't think I can handle anything else, and feel blah and grouchy, but then God sweeps me off my feet and provides me with His strength and His hope! He is our Hope and all that we need no matter what our circumstances may be!

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume that this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here
Oh, but sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain?
Or joy at a good man's wake?
Walk a mile with the woman who's body is torn
With illness but she marches on
Oh, cause sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear?

But our Hope enures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

Emmanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
We never walk alone
And this is our Hope

But our Hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our Hope is unchanged

"Our Hope Endures" by Natalie Grant

Time Is Flying By!

      I can't believe I'm already sitting here getting my second round of chemo therapy. Those first three weeks flew by and I am beyond thankful! I never expected to be feeling well enough to go back home for a short visit during my first round of chemo, but the Lord surprised me! He is taking such good care of me, but then again, why am I even surprised?! My family and I had such an amazing trip back home! The Carolina's had been calling our name for quite some time and it did us all so much good to be back in our hometown surrounded by our family and friends. Sometimes that's the best medicine of all! My Nana spoiling me with her cooking, getting to go to my home church and even the big fundraiser in town, and feeling like "me" for a few days made a world of difference, and even though it was painful to board the plane back to Houston I now feel revived and ready to face round two! I am so blessed to come from such a loving and supportive community where everyone really sticks together. Such a huge plus to living in a small town :) I am now more eager than ever to be healed and able to move back home! I have another scan in a few weeks, at the end of this round, to tell if this treatment plan is working. Of course, I am having some anxiety about this. Scans always tear my nerves up! However, the Lord spoke to me this morning in my Jesus Calling devotional and gave me exactly what I needed to hear:

"Trust Me and don't be afraid, for I am your Strength and Song. Think what it means to have Me as your strength. I spoke the universe into existence; My Power is absolutely unlimited! Human weakness, consecrated to Me, is like a magnet, drawing My Power into your neediness. However, fear can block the flow of My Strength into you. Instead of trying to fight your fears, concentrate on trusting Me. When you relate to Me in confident trust, there is no limit to how much I can strengthen you."

"Surely God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid. The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song; He has become my salvation. With joy you will draw water from the wells of salvation."            -Isaiah 12:2-3

"Surely you have granted him eternal blessings and made him glad with the joy of Your Presence."     -Psalm 21:6

"O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in Him," -Psalm 84:12

The Lord put this in my path today because He knew it was exactly what I needed to hear! I needed to be reminded that this situation is still in God's hands and He still has complete control. So whenever I start to worry about this upcoming scan I will just pray more and more! I know the Lord can heal me. He isn't finished with me yet! I will just pray for good results!

"During hard times, it can help to remember that you receive new mercies every morning,"

Home Sweet Home

      It feels so strange being back home. I have only been back for two days but I've had very mixed emotions. Surprising my family was priceless. Walking out of the bedroom of my Nana and Papa's house and seeing the shock on everyone's face was the best feeling. You would've thought they had seen a ghost. I have never seen them more surprised in my life! After surprising most of my family we drove up to the high school and surprised my uncle Ty while he was coaching baseball practice. It was weird simply driving around town. It's so different than where we live in Texas...a couple stop lights, no traffic, no 12 lane highways like I-10!
      Mama always says "Everything is worse at nighttime," so I blame that for the little breakdown I had my first night back at home, but unfortunately I've had a couple more since then. It's much harder being home than I ever expected. In Texas, being sick is my life. Out there that's all I know and all I'm used to in that environment, but here, at home, that's not the case. It's hard being back home and not feeling like "me," and being able to go to work, go out in public without worrying about germs and getting sick, being able to see everyone and do everything that I'm used to. As weird as it may sound, at first it even felt strange being back in my house. It didn't feel like my house anymore, my room didn't feel like mine...it didn't feel lived in because my stuff isn't here. My house and my room feel like they are in Texas right now. Don't get me wrong, it feels so good seeing my family and friends again, but knowing that this isn't my permanent home right now and that I have to go back to my life in Texas in just a few days seems to put a damper on things.
      I'm not sure if I would rather be home or in Texas when this happened, but I didn't have a choice. Last night on my Nana's couch my hair started falling out. I knew it would start happening any day now and I had prepared myself as best as I could, but really there's no way to fully prepare yourself for that. Simply laying on the couch and running your hand through your hair and strands coming out between your fingers is such a bizarre feeling. Of course I knew this was going to happen but I was still a little shocked that I was actually experiencing it. I just held the hair and cried to Mama. It's not so much about the hair itself, but not having hair will just be a constant reminder that I'm sick. Everyone who sees a young girl without hair knows she must be a cancer patient. That is the first thing they notice about her..."She must be sick." I don't want that for myself. I don't want everyone to view me simply as a cancer patient. Yes, I have a wig that I will start wearing most of the time, and I'm very thankful for it, but still, losing my hair is hard. Today more of my hair has been falling out, in clumps rather than strands, so tomorrow I'm going to go ahead and get it cut short so I don't have to deal with this anymore. I just have to remind myself that it's just hair, it will grow back, this chemo is doing it's job and eating up this cancer so a few months wearing a wig is no big deal! My wig is fabulous anyway!

Driving Me Crazy!

      Something has been driving me crazy ever since I was first diagnosed with cancer and recently it has struck my last nerve! I guess I didn't pay attention earlier because it didn't apply to me. I am so sick of "cancer" being everywhere and it being portrayed so negatively or as a death sentence. I am not referring to cancer information or research because I fully support cancer awareness, however I am beyond annoyed with dying cancer patients being in so many books, movies, and songs these days. Obviously, being in my current situation, I am trying to avoid anything depressing right now, but I am finding this more difficult than I ever would have imagined. For example, a couple weeks ago I wanted to go see the new movie Safe Haven. I expected nothing more than a typical Nicholas Sparks love story, but no, to my surprise they threw some cancer in there! The ex wife of the main character had terminal cancer and the movie goes on to show how she writes notes to her children for different stages in their lives that she knows she is going to miss. I didn't need to see that! Needless to say, if I would've known that was in the movie I never would've saw it. I also loooove reading Karen Kingsbury's books! For Christmas I got the Redemption series. I was almost finished reading the last book of the series when I found out my cancer had returned. In that book the mother, Elizabeth Baxter, finds out her breast cancer has returned and has spread throughout her body and she ends up dying. This was AWFUL timing! As I was finding out my own cancer was back this book character kept coming to mind. I was having terrible thoughts, simply from things I had read in this book. Don't get me wrong, these are amazing books of faith during life's trials and triumphs, but I just didn't need to read something like this. Then, a few weeks ago my sister and I were in a store when a country song I haven't heard in a while came on the radio. I had forgotten most of the lyrics except for the chorus but I made some comment to Emma about forgetting how much I liked the song. She went on to say something about how she didn't think I would like it anymore. Long story short the second verse says, "He said I'm flying out here to pick up my big brother. He's been fighting cancer they've discovered, but he called last night and said I think this is the end." Again, depressing! Several other instances have happened but tonight was the final straw. I was watching Step Up 2 of all things, when out of the blue the main character starts telling how her mom died from cancer. Really?! This was supposed to be a dance movie...a chick flick! Was that really necessary? My point in venting about all this is not to simply avoid cancer or pretend that I don't have it or that it doesn't exist, but to call attention to how cancer is portrayed in the media. The media seems to portray cancer as one thing...as death. I despise that!! That is wrong on so many levels. The media is feeding off of cancer. Milking it for a sappy topic to bring in some cash. Instead they should focus on the positives! Look at how many people are beating cancer these days. This isn't twenty or thirty years ago. Cancer is no longer a death sentence. I love the attitude here at MD Anderson. Everyone is so positive and hopeful. Nothing is impossible and no situation is hopeless. If a cancer patient surrounds themself with negativity, how will they ever see the need to fight? Every time I get mad about this issue I tell my family how one day I'm going to write books for cancer patients about nothing but the most simple, happy things. My latest examples have been IHop pancakes, sparkly flats, and ketchup. Ridiculous! But that's the point. The most simplistic things that make you happy and usually have no value, but have absolutely nothing to do with cancer!! I know first hand that every cancer patient needs a little pick-me-up sometimes and as far from cancer as they can get!

Round One

      Today Chick Fil A was my BFF and I actually felt clean for the first time in days. Both are huge improvements! But I really can't complain. As of today, my sixth day of chemo therapy, my only major side effects have been no appetite, feeling tired, and a sore mouth. I was very nervous, and still am, about the side effects. I've heard all the good, the bad, and the ugly stories, but of course each patient has a different experience. All I can do is pray that I am one of the ones who handles the treatment well with few side effects and is able to stay physically strong over the next few months. So far, the Lord has blessed me tremendously! I could not be more thankful! Each day I am up and moving a little bit more and my appetite is gradually increasing. Today was my first day without my chemo pump attached to me so that meant a real bath! Well other than having to Saran Wrap my arm, thanks to my picc line, a real bath! Pulling myself out of the bed to look halfway presentable for my doctor's appointment seemed like more trouble than it's worth at the time, but finally feeling fresh and clean made a world of difference. Getting out of the house for a few minutes to go to my doctor's appointment then led to a slight craving for Chick Fil A. Three chicken nuggets and a handful of fries later Mama was thrilled to see how much I ate at one time and I was pretty pumped myself. Everyday is getting better! I will feel more relieved when this first round of chemo is over, so I know what to expect, but I'm trying not to be over anxious. I know the Lord will continue to watch over me, comfort me, and give me His strength.

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7

"When anxiety was great within me, Your consolation brought joy to my soul." -Psalm 94:19

"I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will guide him and restore comfort to him." -Isaiah 57:18