1/28/13
My life has felt so unreal the past couple of days. My emotions are running haywire and I am trying so hard to stay strong. There are moments when I am alright, usually if I am doing something to take my mind off things. Then there are other times when I think to myself, "Is this really my life?" I can't help but think this is nothing like I imagined my life would be like at 25 years old. I never thought I would have to face any of this so young...having cancer, not once but twice, and now having to move hundreds of miles away from my family and friends and the only place I've ever lived to start radiation and chemo therapy. Overwhelmed is the only way to describe how I feel sometimes. I still do not doubt the Lord's power to heal me, give me His strength to get through this trial, or pour out His peace and comfort upon me, but dealing with so much change is extremely overwhelming. I can't even imagine how difficult this would be if my family and I didn't have our faith and the Lord walking with us each and every step of the way!
Yesterday and today I had to pack up the majority of my life and say my "see you laters" which tore my heart out! I cried even more than I had expected. I was homesick before I even left. After bawling my eyes out telling Nana goodbye and still crying as we pulled out of our driveway I looked down to Papa Stott's old store building and there stood more family and friends than I could count. They were waving and holding purple balloons and more balloons were tied to the fence posts. We stopped our car at the stop sign across the road and I waved and told them all I loved them. Of course this caused the tears to flow even more! This time it was both happy and sad tears. Happy to have such loving, caring people in my life, but sad to be leaving them behind. Even though these are difficult circumstances, this was one of the most precious moments of my life and something I will never forget! I am one blessed girl!
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Miracles
1/25/13
I can't help but think about my upcoming PET scan. The hospital at UNC didn't send my PET scan along with the rest of my records to MD Anderson, but my new doctors prefer to have their own scans done anyway, so new scans will be done early next week. I can't help but think about a miracle and I'm not afraid to pray for one...that when the new PET scan is done there is not a trace of cancer found anywhere in my body! I would love to be able to explain, with pure confidence, that this happened simply because God heard and answered mine along with hundreds of others prayers for my healing! Wow! What a testimony that would be! I know without a single doubt God is more than capable of performing this miracle. He is the Ultimate Healer, the Great Physician!
I am not trying to sound doubtful or pessimistic by saying this, but if that miracle doesn't happen this week, the way I want, that doesn't mean that a miracle won't happen or that He won't heal me. I still have complete faith that He is going to heal me, but in His timing, not mine. In His way, not mine. His plan may be for me to be healed through the treatments and my doctors. I don't know what He has planned. He may want me to stay in Houston for a little bit. Maybe that is all part of His plan for my future. Maybe there are certain people in Houston who I am supposed to cross paths with, to witness to, or strengthen my own faith, to become friends with. The possibilities are endless. I just have to have faith that my life is taken care of!
"God has a reason for allowing things to happen. We may never understand his wisdom, but we simply have to trust His will."
(Romans 8:28)
"Let your hope make you glad. Be patient in time of trouble and never stop praying." -Romans 12:12
"Sometimes all you need is faith as big as a mustard seed and God will do the rest." (Luke 17:6, Matthew 17:20)
First Trip to Houston
1/25/13
This afternoon we got home from Houston. Our trip went great...considering the circumstances. I love Houston! It's a huge city, but still had a country feel to it. The Texas flag was flying everywhere, there were tons of palm trees, gorgeous weather, and just so many things I had never seen before!
After we arrived on Wednesday we spent most of the day driving around Katy, where we will be living while we're out here. We drove around and found my doctors' offices and then just looked around the surrounding area. Katy is a suburb of Houston and is much smaller than Houston, but compared to home, this place is crazy busy! That night we went to supper at Olive Garden and the sweetest thing happened! Since my last surgery I've had some trouble eating and didn't even think about salad being a problem until the dressing set my mouth on fire! One bite was all it took. A few minutes later the waitress came over, noticed I wasn't eating the salad and asked if I would like soup instead. She was so sweet and said she had noticed my bandages. Then she asked what type of surgery I had. When I told her I had cancer she had a persons usual reaction when they ask that question...like they realize they've just stuck their foot in their mouth. I reassured her that it was okay that she asked and that it didn't bother me to talk about it. Then she asked me a question that I have never been asked before: "How does it feel to have cancer?" I fell silent. I didn't even know how to respond. It sounds so cliche but it's something you can't explain and unless you have had cancer then you have no idea how I am feeling. I felt like I stumbled around for words and ended up mumbling something about how at first it's a shock but then I just go through the motions and do whatever it takes to get better. I can't believe I just drew a blank like that, but really there are no words to explain how I feel. This time in my life is filled with such mixed emotions. Looking back that would have been the perfect witnessing opportunity. I could've so easily shared how God has given me so much peace during my past cancer experience and my current one, but like I said, unfortunately I had no words. A few minutes after that conversation ended and we finished our supper the manager came over to our table. Long story short, our waitress had told him about me. She had told him my situation and how she loved my positive attitude. As a welcome to Houston he took care of our bill and gave us an Olive Garden gift card so we will have to come back and see them. That was so sweet! I had to hug him! We left there with the biggest smiles on our faces! Not because he took care of our bill or because of the gift card but because of the sweet people God put in our life and the simple way they made us feel welcome to Houston and that God really did lead us to the right place!
Then on Thursday we went to all three of my doctors appointments and apartment hunting. It went well but it wore us out! My doctors discussed treatment plans with me but they still have to meet with some other head and neck doctors before making a decision. The doctors were all very hopeful, helpful, and encouraging, but receiving all that information at one time was very overwhelming!
This afternoon we got home from Houston. Our trip went great...considering the circumstances. I love Houston! It's a huge city, but still had a country feel to it. The Texas flag was flying everywhere, there were tons of palm trees, gorgeous weather, and just so many things I had never seen before!
After we arrived on Wednesday we spent most of the day driving around Katy, where we will be living while we're out here. We drove around and found my doctors' offices and then just looked around the surrounding area. Katy is a suburb of Houston and is much smaller than Houston, but compared to home, this place is crazy busy! That night we went to supper at Olive Garden and the sweetest thing happened! Since my last surgery I've had some trouble eating and didn't even think about salad being a problem until the dressing set my mouth on fire! One bite was all it took. A few minutes later the waitress came over, noticed I wasn't eating the salad and asked if I would like soup instead. She was so sweet and said she had noticed my bandages. Then she asked what type of surgery I had. When I told her I had cancer she had a persons usual reaction when they ask that question...like they realize they've just stuck their foot in their mouth. I reassured her that it was okay that she asked and that it didn't bother me to talk about it. Then she asked me a question that I have never been asked before: "How does it feel to have cancer?" I fell silent. I didn't even know how to respond. It sounds so cliche but it's something you can't explain and unless you have had cancer then you have no idea how I am feeling. I felt like I stumbled around for words and ended up mumbling something about how at first it's a shock but then I just go through the motions and do whatever it takes to get better. I can't believe I just drew a blank like that, but really there are no words to explain how I feel. This time in my life is filled with such mixed emotions. Looking back that would have been the perfect witnessing opportunity. I could've so easily shared how God has given me so much peace during my past cancer experience and my current one, but like I said, unfortunately I had no words. A few minutes after that conversation ended and we finished our supper the manager came over to our table. Long story short, our waitress had told him about me. She had told him my situation and how she loved my positive attitude. As a welcome to Houston he took care of our bill and gave us an Olive Garden gift card so we will have to come back and see them. That was so sweet! I had to hug him! We left there with the biggest smiles on our faces! Not because he took care of our bill or because of the gift card but because of the sweet people God put in our life and the simple way they made us feel welcome to Houston and that God really did lead us to the right place!
Then on Thursday we went to all three of my doctors appointments and apartment hunting. It went well but it wore us out! My doctors discussed treatment plans with me but they still have to meet with some other head and neck doctors before making a decision. The doctors were all very hopeful, helpful, and encouraging, but receiving all that information at one time was very overwhelming!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Temporary Texan
1/23/13
Mama, Nana, and I are in the air right now on our flight to Houston. We left GSP around 7:00 this morning, had a short layover in Atlanta, and are now on our way to Texas. Even though the circumstances aren't ideal I am still so pumped about going to Texas! Who knows if or when I would have ever seen Texas otherwise. I'm choosing to look at the positive aspects of this situation! I hope when all this is over and years from now my family and I can look back on this time as "the time we lived in Texas" and not just "when Jenna was sick." I want to have some good memories while we are living here! I'm also excited to simply be sitting here on this airplane between Mama and Nana having a good time! I love flying! The moment we hit the taxi way it takes me back to a few years ago when I took pilot lessons. As soon as we took off this morning I told myself that as soon as I am better that is something I am going to do for myself...start flying again! By now the flight to Houston is almost over. I'm ready to see if Texas is all it's cracked up to be!
We arrived in Houston around 10:00 am (11:00 Carolina time). As soon as the plane started descending I went into tacky tourist mode and started leaning over Nana trying to take pictures out of the plane window. I was THAT girl! I was freaking out to finally see Texas...wishing Emma was here to join me because Mama and Nana didn't understand all the hype. After getting our luggage we met this precious lady who worked for the rental car company. She found out I was coming here to be a patient at MD Anderson and told me how big God is and how she would be praying for me! That was a perfect way for me to enter Texas!! What a welcome!! After getting our rental car we drove around Houston for a while to find some lunch, my doctor's office, and our hotel. I took pictures out the car window the entire time. This place had me hooked in ten minutes. Palm trees everywhere, it's so warm, it's a big city with a country feel. Everywhere I looked there was something new to see. Clearly I'm from a small town, but this is TEXAS! Plus, Friday Night Lights is my favorite show. If you've seen it you know exactly where I'm coming from, if not, you're missing out! Anyways, I also realized that today was supposed to be the date of my next 8 week checkup appointment in Chapel Hill. So, if I wouldn't have found the knot in my neck on my own a few weeks ago it would have just been found today...almost three weeks later. Scary. It paid off that I was super paranoid and was constantly checking myself!! I am so thankful for that! But it's funny how things work out. If I hadn't felt the knot on my own, today I would've been in Chapel Hill, going to my normal checkup expecting good results and getting blown away by news that would change my life. Instead, on that very same day I left for Houston because I found the knot weeks ago and ALREADY faced the bad news and the surgery. Things could've been so much worse but The Lord saved me from that. I truly believe that. God is so good!!!
Monday, January 21, 2013
Headed to Houston
1/20/13
I have been home from the hospital for a few days now and everything has been such a blur. One of the first things I found out after waking up from surgery was the fact that I am moving to Houston, Texas to continue my treatments at MD Anderson. That was quite a surprise. While in surgery some of the cancer in my lymph nodes were too close to nerves in my neck to remove so I will have to be treated with chemo and radiation and my oncologist recommended the best, MD Anderson. So when I woke up, I found out the plan. I came home from the hospital in Chapel Hill a few days ago, feeling really well, thankfully, and have been preparing for the move ever since. It's crazy how a week ago I hadn't even had surgery yet and two weeks ago I still thought I was cancer free. It's a little scary how quickly things can change. Today as I was packing up my room I felt like I was only packing to go to the beach for vacation. It hasn't set in yet. I basically only have one day left in Carolina because I fly out to Houston on Wednesday morning, will shortly be home over the weekend long enough to move our things, and then back to Texas. I really feel like everything is falling into place with MD Anderson and this is really where the Lord is leading me to continue my treatment. I have heard nothing but wonderful things about this hospital and it is said to be the best. I truly believe that the Lord is going to use this facility and the doctors there to heal me and I will be back in the Carolina's in no time and better than ever!
I have been home from the hospital for a few days now and everything has been such a blur. One of the first things I found out after waking up from surgery was the fact that I am moving to Houston, Texas to continue my treatments at MD Anderson. That was quite a surprise. While in surgery some of the cancer in my lymph nodes were too close to nerves in my neck to remove so I will have to be treated with chemo and radiation and my oncologist recommended the best, MD Anderson. So when I woke up, I found out the plan. I came home from the hospital in Chapel Hill a few days ago, feeling really well, thankfully, and have been preparing for the move ever since. It's crazy how a week ago I hadn't even had surgery yet and two weeks ago I still thought I was cancer free. It's a little scary how quickly things can change. Today as I was packing up my room I felt like I was only packing to go to the beach for vacation. It hasn't set in yet. I basically only have one day left in Carolina because I fly out to Houston on Wednesday morning, will shortly be home over the weekend long enough to move our things, and then back to Texas. I really feel like everything is falling into place with MD Anderson and this is really where the Lord is leading me to continue my treatment. I have heard nothing but wonderful things about this hospital and it is said to be the best. I truly believe that the Lord is going to use this facility and the doctors there to heal me and I will be back in the Carolina's in no time and better than ever!
The Morning Of...
1/15/13
I leave for the hospital in about an hour. I am more calm about the surgery than I was last time, but I fear what is to come. I found out yesterday that the cancer is in the lymph nodes on both sides of my neck, which I was pretty sure of because I had felt another knot come up, but on the left side, after we left Chapel Hill last week. Dr. Weisler also told us that they will be doing a biopsy of my right tonsil during surgery to check for cancer. He told us that due to the cancer being on both sides of my neck, in the lymph nodes, I will probably need both chemo therapy and radiation after the surgery. After Dr. Weisler gave us all this information and left the room I completely broke down to mama. I fell apart. I'm pretty sure, actually I'm positive, that was the most upset I have ever gotten since having cancer. Thankfully I am doing much better now. I know that no matter what God is watching over me and He is with me today just like He was last time, just like He always is. Last night before we fell asleep my whole family, all six of us, piled onto one of our hotel beds and each of them prayed for me as we all held hands. I even sat in Christian's lap! Haha It was honestly one of the most special moments of my life. God has blessed me with such a loving famiy that has such stong faith in the Lord and for that I am so thankful!
I leave for the hospital in about an hour. I am more calm about the surgery than I was last time, but I fear what is to come. I found out yesterday that the cancer is in the lymph nodes on both sides of my neck, which I was pretty sure of because I had felt another knot come up, but on the left side, after we left Chapel Hill last week. Dr. Weisler also told us that they will be doing a biopsy of my right tonsil during surgery to check for cancer. He told us that due to the cancer being on both sides of my neck, in the lymph nodes, I will probably need both chemo therapy and radiation after the surgery. After Dr. Weisler gave us all this information and left the room I completely broke down to mama. I fell apart. I'm pretty sure, actually I'm positive, that was the most upset I have ever gotten since having cancer. Thankfully I am doing much better now. I know that no matter what God is watching over me and He is with me today just like He was last time, just like He always is. Last night before we fell asleep my whole family, all six of us, piled onto one of our hotel beds and each of them prayed for me as we all held hands. I even sat in Christian's lap! Haha It was honestly one of the most special moments of my life. God has blessed me with such a loving famiy that has such stong faith in the Lord and for that I am so thankful!
Prayer of Faith
1/13/13
For a few days now I have been praying and reading scripture about being prayed over and anointed. I did not want this to be a big show in front of the whole church, but a private gathering where believers could pray over me and ask God for healing. So this evening, in a Sunday school classroom at my church, my pastor led our church deacons along with my close family and friends and circled around me and prayed over me. In the Bible, James 5:14-15 says, "Is anyone among you sick? Let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up..." That is just what we did. Before he began, my pastor asked that if anyone in the room did not believe that the Lord could heal me that they leave the room, because this is a prayer of faith, a prayer for believers. He then asked me to share why I wanted this to happen tonight. I couldn't help but cry and I am surprised that I could even answer him. I told him that I wanted them to pray tonight for God to heal me, because I know that He can. As simple as that. Tonight, not only me, but a small room full of believers, put their full trust in God's ability to heal me, if that be His will. As these men circled around me and prayed over me, tears poured down my face. I know without a doubt that the Lord has the power to heal me. Not only does His word say so, but He has healed me once and He can do it again. I am so thankful for my faith. I would be nothing without it.
Sometimes all you need is faith as big as a mustard seed and God will do the rest.
"...your faith has healed you" -Matthew 9:22
For a few days now I have been praying and reading scripture about being prayed over and anointed. I did not want this to be a big show in front of the whole church, but a private gathering where believers could pray over me and ask God for healing. So this evening, in a Sunday school classroom at my church, my pastor led our church deacons along with my close family and friends and circled around me and prayed over me. In the Bible, James 5:14-15 says, "Is anyone among you sick? Let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up..." That is just what we did. Before he began, my pastor asked that if anyone in the room did not believe that the Lord could heal me that they leave the room, because this is a prayer of faith, a prayer for believers. He then asked me to share why I wanted this to happen tonight. I couldn't help but cry and I am surprised that I could even answer him. I told him that I wanted them to pray tonight for God to heal me, because I know that He can. As simple as that. Tonight, not only me, but a small room full of believers, put their full trust in God's ability to heal me, if that be His will. As these men circled around me and prayed over me, tears poured down my face. I know without a doubt that the Lord has the power to heal me. Not only does His word say so, but He has healed me once and He can do it again. I am so thankful for my faith. I would be nothing without it.
Sometimes all you need is faith as big as a mustard seed and God will do the rest.
"...your faith has healed you" -Matthew 9:22
Round 2
1/9/13
The past few days have been a whirlwind. On Friday night I noticed a knot on the right side of my neck and immediately panicked. Lately I have been obsessed with checking my neck but I couldn't believe it when I actually felt something abnormal. On Saturday morning I woke up and couldn't get the knot off my mind so mama decided to take me to Chapel Hill. We spent the entire day and night in the emergency room at UNC and we left with barely any answers. We were told that most likely the knot I felt was only a swollen lymph node due to an infection. Well I spent all day Sunday worrying because I still didn't have a definite answer. On Monday morning mama called my surgeon's office and filled them in and he said for us to come on up to Chapel Hill for him to check it out, so back to UNC we went. That afternoon I had another biopsy and based off the first set of results everything looked clear- simply just an infection or something in my lymph nodes. Even though he told me the final results wouldn't be back for another day or two this really put my mind at ease. Then, yesterday at 2:45 or so, I was downstairs with Emma when mama came home and gave me the bad news. The knot is cancer. I really think I went into a state of shock for a few minutes. I didn't move and barely said a word. I just cried. I really didn't even know what to do. It was like I couldn't even wrap my mind around it. Mama sat there with her arms around me and I just kept saying "I don't even know what to do," and she said "You're going to fight. That's what you're going to do. Just like you did last time." After the initial shock wore off and I stopped crying- surprisingly this only lasted for about twenty minutes- I did exactly what I did last time. I became calm and am ready to just go through the motions. All I can say is that once again God poured His peace out over me and this situation and I am so thankful! That is the only way to explain how I can become calm during a time like this. Just a few days ago, driving back to Chapel, I told mama that I would rather die in a car accident than have cancer again, but that feeling is gone. That was just satan. He was trying to make me lose hope, lose faith, and forget the power, strength, and miracles of God. Now I have an entirely different mindset. I know the Lord is with me. He was with me the first time I had cancer and He is with me again. No one else can provide this kind of PEACE!
"The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace." -Psalm 29:11
The past few days have been a whirlwind. On Friday night I noticed a knot on the right side of my neck and immediately panicked. Lately I have been obsessed with checking my neck but I couldn't believe it when I actually felt something abnormal. On Saturday morning I woke up and couldn't get the knot off my mind so mama decided to take me to Chapel Hill. We spent the entire day and night in the emergency room at UNC and we left with barely any answers. We were told that most likely the knot I felt was only a swollen lymph node due to an infection. Well I spent all day Sunday worrying because I still didn't have a definite answer. On Monday morning mama called my surgeon's office and filled them in and he said for us to come on up to Chapel Hill for him to check it out, so back to UNC we went. That afternoon I had another biopsy and based off the first set of results everything looked clear- simply just an infection or something in my lymph nodes. Even though he told me the final results wouldn't be back for another day or two this really put my mind at ease. Then, yesterday at 2:45 or so, I was downstairs with Emma when mama came home and gave me the bad news. The knot is cancer. I really think I went into a state of shock for a few minutes. I didn't move and barely said a word. I just cried. I really didn't even know what to do. It was like I couldn't even wrap my mind around it. Mama sat there with her arms around me and I just kept saying "I don't even know what to do," and she said "You're going to fight. That's what you're going to do. Just like you did last time." After the initial shock wore off and I stopped crying- surprisingly this only lasted for about twenty minutes- I did exactly what I did last time. I became calm and am ready to just go through the motions. All I can say is that once again God poured His peace out over me and this situation and I am so thankful! That is the only way to explain how I can become calm during a time like this. Just a few days ago, driving back to Chapel, I told mama that I would rather die in a car accident than have cancer again, but that feeling is gone. That was just satan. He was trying to make me lose hope, lose faith, and forget the power, strength, and miracles of God. Now I have an entirely different mindset. I know the Lord is with me. He was with me the first time I had cancer and He is with me again. No one else can provide this kind of PEACE!
"The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace." -Psalm 29:11
Friday, January 18, 2013
Conditional Faith?
January 4, 2012
Ever since going to visit Dr. Fried a couple weeks ago my new obsession is checking my neck. I used to only focus on examining my mouth but lately I find myself constantly feeling my neck. Tonight while at a restaurant in Greenville with Emma I didn't even realize I was rubbing the sides of my neck when suddenly I felt a knot. I knew I wasn't overreacting or imagining this. I actually felt something in the right side of my neck. I could barely even eat my supper. I started crying right there in the middle of the restaurant and Emma tried her best to calm my nerves. After we left Emma felt my neck and like I suspected, she felt the knot too. I was trying not to get too worked up over the knot, even though that wasn't working too well, because I knew I had just been checked a couple of weeks ago, plus I had just been sick so it could have simply been a swollen gland or lymph node. Yes, those explanations made sense, but to a recent cancer patient, it didn't matter. To me, a knot, meant panic. All the way back home I barely said a word even though Emma tried to make conversation. All I could think was "what if it's back?" Inside I was completely freaking out. Then it hit me, what did that say about my faith? Had I only had so much faith over the summer, when I had cancer, because things turned out how I wanted them to...because God answered my prayers exactly like I wanted Him to? What if I didn't have as much faith as I thought I did? I couldn't help but think that's what my current situation, my fear, was revealing about myself. I thought back to the song I sang right before I had surgery. "No matter what I'm gonna love You. No matter what I'm gonna trust You..." Is that really how I would feel if I had cancer again? That thought really scared me. What if I didn't have that much faith? I know I would be absolutely nothing without my faith and the thought that my faith is lacking is terrifying! What if I got cancer again and didn't put my strength or faith in God like I did last time? I would never make it! Being this paranoid about my cancer returning is no way to live, but tonight was also a wake up call for my faith. Maybe my faith was being tested tonight...maybe God just wanted me to think about how much my faith really meant to me.
Ever since going to visit Dr. Fried a couple weeks ago my new obsession is checking my neck. I used to only focus on examining my mouth but lately I find myself constantly feeling my neck. Tonight while at a restaurant in Greenville with Emma I didn't even realize I was rubbing the sides of my neck when suddenly I felt a knot. I knew I wasn't overreacting or imagining this. I actually felt something in the right side of my neck. I could barely even eat my supper. I started crying right there in the middle of the restaurant and Emma tried her best to calm my nerves. After we left Emma felt my neck and like I suspected, she felt the knot too. I was trying not to get too worked up over the knot, even though that wasn't working too well, because I knew I had just been checked a couple of weeks ago, plus I had just been sick so it could have simply been a swollen gland or lymph node. Yes, those explanations made sense, but to a recent cancer patient, it didn't matter. To me, a knot, meant panic. All the way back home I barely said a word even though Emma tried to make conversation. All I could think was "what if it's back?" Inside I was completely freaking out. Then it hit me, what did that say about my faith? Had I only had so much faith over the summer, when I had cancer, because things turned out how I wanted them to...because God answered my prayers exactly like I wanted Him to? What if I didn't have as much faith as I thought I did? I couldn't help but think that's what my current situation, my fear, was revealing about myself. I thought back to the song I sang right before I had surgery. "No matter what I'm gonna love You. No matter what I'm gonna trust You..." Is that really how I would feel if I had cancer again? That thought really scared me. What if I didn't have that much faith? I know I would be absolutely nothing without my faith and the thought that my faith is lacking is terrifying! What if I got cancer again and didn't put my strength or faith in God like I did last time? I would never make it! Being this paranoid about my cancer returning is no way to live, but tonight was also a wake up call for my faith. Maybe my faith was being tested tonight...maybe God just wanted me to think about how much my faith really meant to me.
Restoration
December 4, 2012
For the past four months speech therapy has become part of my normal, weekly routine. It has been months since I have viewed it as a frustration where I have left the therapist's office and drove home crying, wondering if I would ever sound like myself again. I had actually come to enjoy speech therapy. I have seen significant improvements week after week and am amazed at all of the goals I have completed over the past few months. Since having surgery in early July and beginning therapy in August, my improved speech has been a long time coming and a goal that I couldn't achieve fast enough, but today when I was dischared from speech therapy I can honestly say that I felt mixed emotions. Of course I was thrilled that I had completed my goal, that I finally sound like myself again! I was so blessed to have worked with such a wonderful therapist and God has restored my voice more clear and quickly than I ever expected. Along with feeling proud and excited I also felt a little bit of uneasiness and almost even sadness. While being in speech therapy I felt like I was doing something progressive...something against my cancer, but also something that was helping me heal and become "me" again. I couldn't help but worry that without speech therapy I would begin to backtrack. I know, that sounds so pessimistic! I just have to make sure that I stay on top of things and continue to work on my speech! I've been told that it will take another six months or so for my speech to get fully back to normal, so patience, Jenna, patience!
December 19, 2012
For the past month or so, and especially ever since I completed speech therapy, I have been extra paranoid about my cancer returning. Even more than usual! I find myself sitting in front of the bathroom mirror examining my mouth, imagining that I see something that looks unusual. I was finding that this problem was getting worse instead of better. I was praying that God was help me through this, to give me a peace and a comfort, so I would stop driving myself crazy. I was even going to my mama about it so often that she thought I might need to see a doctor about putting me on some anxiety medicine or either seeing a special therapist who deals with former cancer patients. I had been told after being diagnosed that sometimes patients need to see a therapist or a support group to help them cope, but I never thought that would be me! Either way, I just put down both of mama's ideas and told her that I couldn't be happy for Christmas unless I got checked out beforehand. I told her that I didn't expect her to drive me all the way to Chapel Hill to see my surgeon, but that I would really like to go see my oncologist in Spartanburg, just to ease my mind. So, that's exactly what I did today. Going into the doctor's office his nurse probably thought I was crazy. She asked if my "problem" was causing me pain, making it difficult for me to swallow, etc, and then I went on to tell her that I didn't have a problem, I just wanted to be checked out. I felt like Vada in My Girl when she goes to the doctor everyday because she's becoming a hypochondriac! Anyways, I didn't care. I needed some reassurance. Long story short, Dr. Fried, my oncologist, had been very worried since I had made my appointment. He thought that I must have found a spot in my mouth or else I wouldn't have called. He had even made arrangements for me to have a biopsy that afternoon if necessary. I appreciated his concern and I felt horrible that I had made him worry like that. I told him how I had just been driving myself crazy lately and worrying more than usual. He checked my mouth and neck and told me that everything looked just fine. He also talked with me for a few minutes telling me that it was completely normal to be paranoid and it is better to be safe than sorry. Dr. Fried really eased my mind today and I am thankful to have a doctor like him who truly cares for his patients!
December 23, 2012
Merry Christmas to me!! Tonight I sang in church for the first time since having cancer and having surgery on my tongue! God has restored my voice enough for me to sing again, well I never stopped singing, but singing in public had been on hiatus! This was the best Christmas gift I could have ever asked for! Ever since being diagnosed with cancer back in June I have wondered if and when I would ever sing again. I even imagined it in my mind. Tonight was such an answered prayer! Only my parents and siblings and my friend Peter, who sang this duet with me, knew I would be singing. I wanted it to be a surprise, mainly to my nana, who has been asking me to sing for months. I was a nervous wreck but so pumped! The Lord knows the joy I receive from singing and I know that my voice is a gift He has blessed me with and He alone restored that gift in me. I am so thankful and I now appreciate my voice in such a special way!
For the past four months speech therapy has become part of my normal, weekly routine. It has been months since I have viewed it as a frustration where I have left the therapist's office and drove home crying, wondering if I would ever sound like myself again. I had actually come to enjoy speech therapy. I have seen significant improvements week after week and am amazed at all of the goals I have completed over the past few months. Since having surgery in early July and beginning therapy in August, my improved speech has been a long time coming and a goal that I couldn't achieve fast enough, but today when I was dischared from speech therapy I can honestly say that I felt mixed emotions. Of course I was thrilled that I had completed my goal, that I finally sound like myself again! I was so blessed to have worked with such a wonderful therapist and God has restored my voice more clear and quickly than I ever expected. Along with feeling proud and excited I also felt a little bit of uneasiness and almost even sadness. While being in speech therapy I felt like I was doing something progressive...something against my cancer, but also something that was helping me heal and become "me" again. I couldn't help but worry that without speech therapy I would begin to backtrack. I know, that sounds so pessimistic! I just have to make sure that I stay on top of things and continue to work on my speech! I've been told that it will take another six months or so for my speech to get fully back to normal, so patience, Jenna, patience!
December 19, 2012
For the past month or so, and especially ever since I completed speech therapy, I have been extra paranoid about my cancer returning. Even more than usual! I find myself sitting in front of the bathroom mirror examining my mouth, imagining that I see something that looks unusual. I was finding that this problem was getting worse instead of better. I was praying that God was help me through this, to give me a peace and a comfort, so I would stop driving myself crazy. I was even going to my mama about it so often that she thought I might need to see a doctor about putting me on some anxiety medicine or either seeing a special therapist who deals with former cancer patients. I had been told after being diagnosed that sometimes patients need to see a therapist or a support group to help them cope, but I never thought that would be me! Either way, I just put down both of mama's ideas and told her that I couldn't be happy for Christmas unless I got checked out beforehand. I told her that I didn't expect her to drive me all the way to Chapel Hill to see my surgeon, but that I would really like to go see my oncologist in Spartanburg, just to ease my mind. So, that's exactly what I did today. Going into the doctor's office his nurse probably thought I was crazy. She asked if my "problem" was causing me pain, making it difficult for me to swallow, etc, and then I went on to tell her that I didn't have a problem, I just wanted to be checked out. I felt like Vada in My Girl when she goes to the doctor everyday because she's becoming a hypochondriac! Anyways, I didn't care. I needed some reassurance. Long story short, Dr. Fried, my oncologist, had been very worried since I had made my appointment. He thought that I must have found a spot in my mouth or else I wouldn't have called. He had even made arrangements for me to have a biopsy that afternoon if necessary. I appreciated his concern and I felt horrible that I had made him worry like that. I told him how I had just been driving myself crazy lately and worrying more than usual. He checked my mouth and neck and told me that everything looked just fine. He also talked with me for a few minutes telling me that it was completely normal to be paranoid and it is better to be safe than sorry. Dr. Fried really eased my mind today and I am thankful to have a doctor like him who truly cares for his patients!
December 23, 2012
Merry Christmas to me!! Tonight I sang in church for the first time since having cancer and having surgery on my tongue! God has restored my voice enough for me to sing again, well I never stopped singing, but singing in public had been on hiatus! This was the best Christmas gift I could have ever asked for! Ever since being diagnosed with cancer back in June I have wondered if and when I would ever sing again. I even imagined it in my mind. Tonight was such an answered prayer! Only my parents and siblings and my friend Peter, who sang this duet with me, knew I would be singing. I wanted it to be a surprise, mainly to my nana, who has been asking me to sing for months. I was a nervous wreck but so pumped! The Lord knows the joy I receive from singing and I know that my voice is a gift He has blessed me with and He alone restored that gift in me. I am so thankful and I now appreciate my voice in such a special way!
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