Restoration

December 4, 2012

           For the past four months speech therapy has become part of my normal, weekly routine. It has been months since I have viewed it as a frustration where I have left the therapist's office and drove home crying, wondering if I would ever sound like myself again. I had actually come to enjoy speech therapy. I have seen significant improvements week after week and am amazed at all of the goals I have completed over the past few months. Since having surgery in early July and beginning therapy in August, my improved speech has been a long time coming and a goal that I couldn't achieve fast enough, but today when I was dischared from speech therapy I can honestly say that I felt mixed emotions. Of course I was thrilled that I had completed my goal, that I finally sound like myself again! I was so blessed to have worked with such a wonderful therapist and God has restored my voice more clear and quickly than I ever expected. Along with feeling proud and excited I also felt a little bit of uneasiness and almost even sadness. While being in speech therapy I felt like I was doing something progressive...something against my cancer, but also something that was helping me heal and become "me" again. I couldn't help but worry that without speech therapy I would begin to backtrack. I know, that sounds so pessimistic! I just have to make sure that I stay on top of things and continue to work on my speech! I've been told that it will take another six months or so for my speech to get fully back to normal, so patience, Jenna, patience!

December 19, 2012

        For the past month or so, and especially ever since I completed speech therapy, I have been extra paranoid about my cancer returning. Even more than usual! I find myself sitting in front of the bathroom mirror examining my mouth, imagining that I see something that looks unusual. I was finding that this problem was getting worse instead of better. I was praying that God was help me through this, to give me a peace and a comfort, so I would stop driving myself crazy. I was even going to my mama about it so often that she thought I might need to see a doctor about putting me on some anxiety medicine or either seeing a special therapist who deals with former cancer patients. I had been told after being diagnosed that sometimes patients need to see a therapist or a support group to help them cope, but I never thought that would be me! Either way, I just put down both of mama's ideas and told her that I couldn't be happy for Christmas unless I got checked out beforehand. I told her that I didn't expect her to drive me all the way to Chapel Hill to see my surgeon, but that I would really like to go see my oncologist in Spartanburg, just to ease my mind. So, that's exactly what I did today. Going into the doctor's office his nurse probably thought I was crazy. She asked if my "problem" was causing me pain, making it difficult for me to swallow, etc, and then I went on to tell her that I didn't have a problem, I just wanted to be checked out. I felt like Vada in My Girl when she goes to the doctor everyday because she's becoming a hypochondriac! Anyways, I didn't care. I needed some reassurance. Long story short, Dr. Fried, my oncologist, had been very worried since I had made my appointment. He thought that I must have found a spot in my mouth or else I wouldn't have called. He had even made arrangements for me to have a biopsy that afternoon if necessary. I appreciated his concern and I felt horrible that I had made him worry like that. I told him how I had just been driving myself crazy lately and worrying more than usual. He checked my mouth and neck and told me that everything looked just fine. He also talked with me for a few minutes telling me that it was completely normal to be paranoid and it is better to be safe than sorry. Dr. Fried really eased my mind today and I am thankful to have a doctor like him who truly cares for his patients!

December 23, 2012

         Merry Christmas to me!! Tonight I sang in church for the first time since having cancer and having surgery on my tongue! God has restored my voice enough for me to sing again, well I never stopped singing, but singing in public had been on hiatus! This was the best Christmas gift I could have ever asked for! Ever since being diagnosed with cancer back in June I have wondered if and when I would ever sing again. I even imagined it in my mind. Tonight was such an answered prayer! Only my parents and siblings and my friend Peter, who sang this duet with me, knew I would be singing. I wanted it to be a surprise, mainly to my nana, who has been asking me to sing for months. I was a nervous wreck but so pumped! The Lord knows the joy I receive from singing and I know that my voice is a gift He has blessed me with and He alone restored that gift in me. I am so thankful and I now appreciate my voice in such a special way!