The Morning Of...

1/15/13
     
      I leave for the hospital in about an hour. I am more calm about the surgery than I was last time, but I fear what is to come. I found out yesterday that the cancer is in the lymph nodes on both sides of my neck, which I was pretty sure of because I had felt another knot come up, but on the left side, after we left Chapel Hill last week. Dr. Weisler also told us that they will be doing a biopsy of my right tonsil during surgery to check for cancer. He told us that due to the cancer being on both sides of my neck, in the lymph nodes, I will probably need both chemo therapy and radiation after the surgery. After Dr. Weisler gave us all this information and left the room I completely broke down to mama. I fell apart. I'm pretty sure, actually I'm positive, that was the most upset I have ever gotten since having cancer. Thankfully I am doing much better now. I know that no matter what God is watching over me and He is with me today just like He was last time, just like He always is. Last night before we fell asleep my whole family, all six of us, piled onto one of our hotel beds and each of them prayed for me as we all held hands. I even sat in Christian's lap! Haha It was honestly one of the most special moments of my life. God has blessed me with such a loving famiy that has such stong faith in the Lord and for that I am so thankful!

Prayer of Faith

1/13/13
   
      For a few days now I have been praying and reading scripture about being prayed over and anointed. I did not want this to be a big show in front of the whole church, but a private gathering where believers could pray over me and ask God for healing. So this evening, in a Sunday school classroom at my church, my pastor led our church deacons along with my close family and friends and circled around me and prayed over me. In the Bible, James 5:14-15 says, "Is anyone among you sick? Let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the sick, and the Lord will raise him up..." That is just what we did. Before he began, my pastor asked that if anyone in the room did not believe that the Lord could heal me that they leave the room, because this is a prayer of faith, a prayer for believers. He then asked me to share why I wanted this to happen tonight. I couldn't help but cry and I am surprised that I could even answer him. I told him that I wanted them to pray tonight for God to heal me, because I know that He can. As simple as that. Tonight, not only me, but a small room full of believers, put their full trust in God's ability to heal me, if that be His will. As these men circled around me and prayed over me, tears poured down my face. I know without a doubt that the Lord has the power to heal me. Not only does His word say so, but He has healed me once and He can do it again. I am so thankful for my faith. I would be nothing without it.

Sometimes all you need is faith as big as a mustard seed and God will do the rest.

"...your faith has healed you" -Matthew 9:22

Round 2

1/9/13

      The past few days have been a whirlwind. On Friday night I noticed a knot on the right side of my neck and immediately panicked. Lately I have been obsessed with checking my neck but I couldn't believe it when I actually felt something abnormal. On Saturday morning I woke up and couldn't get the knot off my mind so mama decided to take me to Chapel Hill. We spent the entire day and night in the emergency room at UNC and we left with barely any answers. We were told that most likely the knot I felt was only a swollen lymph node due to an infection. Well I spent all day Sunday worrying because I still didn't have a definite answer. On Monday morning mama called my surgeon's office and filled them in and he said for us to come on up to Chapel Hill for him to check it out, so back to UNC we went. That afternoon I had another biopsy and based off the first set of results everything looked clear- simply just an infection or something in my lymph nodes. Even though he told me the final results wouldn't be back for another day or two this really put my mind at ease. Then, yesterday at 2:45 or so, I was downstairs with Emma when mama came home and gave me the bad news. The knot is cancer. I really think I went into a state of shock for a few minutes. I didn't move and barely said a word. I just cried. I really didn't even know what to do. It was like I couldn't even wrap my mind around it. Mama sat there with her arms around me and I just kept saying "I don't even know what to do," and she said "You're going to fight. That's what you're going to do. Just like you did last time." After the initial shock wore off and I stopped crying- surprisingly this only lasted for about twenty minutes- I did exactly what I did last time. I became calm and am ready to just go through the motions. All I can say is that once again God poured His peace out over me and this situation and I am so thankful! That is the only way to explain how I can become calm during a time like this. Just a few days ago, driving back to Chapel, I told mama that I would rather die in a car accident than have cancer again, but that feeling is gone. That was just satan. He was trying to make me lose hope, lose faith, and forget the power, strength, and miracles of God. Now I have an entirely different mindset. I know the Lord is with me. He was with me the first time I had cancer and He is with me again. No one else can provide this kind of PEACE!

"The Lord gives strength to His people; the Lord blesses His people with peace." -Psalm 29:11

Conditional Faith?

January 4, 2012

         Ever since going to visit Dr. Fried a couple weeks ago my new obsession is checking my neck. I used to only focus on examining my mouth but lately I find myself constantly feeling my neck. Tonight while at a restaurant in Greenville with Emma I didn't even realize I was rubbing the sides of my neck when suddenly I felt a knot. I knew I wasn't overreacting or imagining this. I actually felt something in the right side of my neck. I could barely even eat my supper. I started crying right there in the middle of the restaurant and Emma tried her best to calm my nerves. After we left Emma felt my neck and like I suspected, she felt the knot too. I was trying not to get too worked up over the knot, even though that wasn't working too well, because I knew I had just been checked a couple of weeks ago, plus I had just been sick so it could have simply been a swollen gland or lymph node. Yes, those explanations made sense, but to a recent cancer patient, it didn't matter. To me, a knot, meant panic. All the way back home I barely said a word even though Emma tried to make conversation. All I could think was "what if it's back?" Inside I was completely freaking out. Then it hit me, what did that say about my faith? Had I only had so much faith over the summer, when I had cancer, because things turned out how I wanted them to...because God answered my prayers exactly like I wanted Him to? What if I didn't have as much faith as I thought I did? I couldn't help but think that's what my current situation, my fear, was revealing about myself. I thought back to the song I sang right before I had surgery. "No matter what I'm gonna love You. No matter what I'm gonna trust You..." Is that really how I would feel if I had cancer again? That thought really scared me. What if I didn't have that much faith? I know I would be absolutely nothing without my faith and the thought that my faith is lacking is terrifying! What if I got cancer again and didn't put my strength or faith in God like I did last time? I would never make it! Being this paranoid about my cancer returning is no way to live, but tonight was also a wake up call for my faith. Maybe my faith was being tested tonight...maybe God just wanted me to think about how much my faith really meant to me.

Restoration

December 4, 2012

           For the past four months speech therapy has become part of my normal, weekly routine. It has been months since I have viewed it as a frustration where I have left the therapist's office and drove home crying, wondering if I would ever sound like myself again. I had actually come to enjoy speech therapy. I have seen significant improvements week after week and am amazed at all of the goals I have completed over the past few months. Since having surgery in early July and beginning therapy in August, my improved speech has been a long time coming and a goal that I couldn't achieve fast enough, but today when I was dischared from speech therapy I can honestly say that I felt mixed emotions. Of course I was thrilled that I had completed my goal, that I finally sound like myself again! I was so blessed to have worked with such a wonderful therapist and God has restored my voice more clear and quickly than I ever expected. Along with feeling proud and excited I also felt a little bit of uneasiness and almost even sadness. While being in speech therapy I felt like I was doing something progressive...something against my cancer, but also something that was helping me heal and become "me" again. I couldn't help but worry that without speech therapy I would begin to backtrack. I know, that sounds so pessimistic! I just have to make sure that I stay on top of things and continue to work on my speech! I've been told that it will take another six months or so for my speech to get fully back to normal, so patience, Jenna, patience!

December 19, 2012

        For the past month or so, and especially ever since I completed speech therapy, I have been extra paranoid about my cancer returning. Even more than usual! I find myself sitting in front of the bathroom mirror examining my mouth, imagining that I see something that looks unusual. I was finding that this problem was getting worse instead of better. I was praying that God was help me through this, to give me a peace and a comfort, so I would stop driving myself crazy. I was even going to my mama about it so often that she thought I might need to see a doctor about putting me on some anxiety medicine or either seeing a special therapist who deals with former cancer patients. I had been told after being diagnosed that sometimes patients need to see a therapist or a support group to help them cope, but I never thought that would be me! Either way, I just put down both of mama's ideas and told her that I couldn't be happy for Christmas unless I got checked out beforehand. I told her that I didn't expect her to drive me all the way to Chapel Hill to see my surgeon, but that I would really like to go see my oncologist in Spartanburg, just to ease my mind. So, that's exactly what I did today. Going into the doctor's office his nurse probably thought I was crazy. She asked if my "problem" was causing me pain, making it difficult for me to swallow, etc, and then I went on to tell her that I didn't have a problem, I just wanted to be checked out. I felt like Vada in My Girl when she goes to the doctor everyday because she's becoming a hypochondriac! Anyways, I didn't care. I needed some reassurance. Long story short, Dr. Fried, my oncologist, had been very worried since I had made my appointment. He thought that I must have found a spot in my mouth or else I wouldn't have called. He had even made arrangements for me to have a biopsy that afternoon if necessary. I appreciated his concern and I felt horrible that I had made him worry like that. I told him how I had just been driving myself crazy lately and worrying more than usual. He checked my mouth and neck and told me that everything looked just fine. He also talked with me for a few minutes telling me that it was completely normal to be paranoid and it is better to be safe than sorry. Dr. Fried really eased my mind today and I am thankful to have a doctor like him who truly cares for his patients!

December 23, 2012

         Merry Christmas to me!! Tonight I sang in church for the first time since having cancer and having surgery on my tongue! God has restored my voice enough for me to sing again, well I never stopped singing, but singing in public had been on hiatus! This was the best Christmas gift I could have ever asked for! Ever since being diagnosed with cancer back in June I have wondered if and when I would ever sing again. I even imagined it in my mind. Tonight was such an answered prayer! Only my parents and siblings and my friend Peter, who sang this duet with me, knew I would be singing. I wanted it to be a surprise, mainly to my nana, who has been asking me to sing for months. I was a nervous wreck but so pumped! The Lord knows the joy I receive from singing and I know that my voice is a gift He has blessed me with and He alone restored that gift in me. I am so thankful and I now appreciate my voice in such a special way!

Waiting Room Confessions

November 7, 2012

                Today mama and I went back to Chapel Hill for my check up with my surgeon. I was dreading it, of course, but I was fine the entire 4 hour ride up there, but it’s like the moment we step out of the car a switch flips. I’m pretty sure my blood pressure shoots through the roof as soon as I enter the Chapel Hill city limits! As soon as we got into Dr. Weisler’s waiting room I was on edge. I feel like a complete brat when I say this, but I’m just being honest. Dr. Weisler’s waiting room drives me crazy! Since he is an ear, nose, and throat doctor his waiting room can be full of any kind of people, but nine out of ten times it is full of children and parents with babies. Don’t get me wrong, I love babies and little kids, but not in this setting. Not in any way do I think that I am his most important patient, but I do get the impression that I am most likely the only patient in the waiting room there to find out if I am cancer free or not. I could be wrong but I’m pretty positive that every other person in that waiting room is there because their baby needs tubes put in their ears or their child needs their tonsils checked. Not that those things should be taken lightly or that I am completely selfish and coldhearted but I don’t think that really compares to cancer, whether I am the patient or not. Point being, every time I sit in this waiting room, I feel different than the other patients. I know that my results from Dr. Weisler could change my life, so I sit there on edge, praying for peace and good news, trying to think of anything other than this doctor’s appointment, and just relax. In the meantime all of the other patients are being loud and carrying on and I sit there fussing (in my head) “Do you NOT know what I’m going through?! Can't you keep your kid in ONE chair?!” Well of course they don’t know! They don’t know me and they probably have no clue that a previous cancer patient would be seeing an ENT doctor. Well eventually the nurse takes me back to a room and it’s interesting because they do seem to treat me differently. The nurses always remember me and remember exactly what I am there for and exactly what I have had done. But then again, like I said, they probably don’t see very many cancer patients every day in this office. Once I was back in the room, after the nurse left and before Dr. Weisler came in, I got a little upset and started crying. I hate that I worry so much about my cancer returning. It drives me crazy, but I guess that’s normal. I’ve just got to pray for peace and have faith that the Lord will keep me healthy if that is in His plan. After Dr. Weisler came in I was fine. I pulled myself together and once he checked me out and told me that everything looked great I felt like I was really able to breathe again! Goooooobye Chapel Hill until January! I WON’T miss you!!

               Later I was thinking about how aggravated I get in Dr. Weisler’s waiting room and how ridiculous it is for me to get ill at those other patients for not being sympathetic to my situation even though they have no clue what my situation even is. It made me think how often we go through the motions without realizing how we are affecting others simply because we don’t know what they are going through. You can’t judge someone until you’ve walked in their shoes. It isn’t fair. You never know what someone is dealing with, so be careful how you treat them.

 

Thankful

November 1, 2012

        Last November I decided to keep a journal and every day I wrote about several things that I wanted to especially thank God for that day. Believe it or not, November has rolled around again, so I decided I would do the same thing this year. Before I began writing tonight I looked back through all the entries I wrote last year and one particular day really stuck out to me. Last year on November 3^rd I thanked God for my singing voice and for my health, both of which were recently shaken. I found it very ironic that I thanked God for those two things on the very same day without even the slightest inclination of what would be coming my way in the next few months. The thought of getting cancer within the next few months never crossed my mind, and especially tongue cancer considering I had never even heard of such, so I had no reason to think that my health or my voice were at risk. Reading this journal entry really made me think. It sounds so cliché but life is so uncertain. We really have no clue what the future holds. My life was turned completely upside down in less than a year. Looking back through this journal, which seems like I wrote just a week or two ago, I realized how different my life was then. The things I worried about were so petty. Now I would be thankful if some of those things were my only “worries.” This year has changed me for a lifetime, and that I wouldn’t take back! As for my health and my singing voice, God is working in a miraculous way! He has already restored my health by healing me from cancer and he is in the process of restoring my singing voice which is such a blessing! I didn’t know if I would ever be able to sing again, and I was more afraid of that than I was willing to admit, but I’m getting there! God is doing amazing things in my life and I know He is not finished with me yet! I am so thankful!!