Restoration

December 4, 2012

           For the past four months speech therapy has become part of my normal, weekly routine. It has been months since I have viewed it as a frustration where I have left the therapist's office and drove home crying, wondering if I would ever sound like myself again. I had actually come to enjoy speech therapy. I have seen significant improvements week after week and am amazed at all of the goals I have completed over the past few months. Since having surgery in early July and beginning therapy in August, my improved speech has been a long time coming and a goal that I couldn't achieve fast enough, but today when I was dischared from speech therapy I can honestly say that I felt mixed emotions. Of course I was thrilled that I had completed my goal, that I finally sound like myself again! I was so blessed to have worked with such a wonderful therapist and God has restored my voice more clear and quickly than I ever expected. Along with feeling proud and excited I also felt a little bit of uneasiness and almost even sadness. While being in speech therapy I felt like I was doing something progressive...something against my cancer, but also something that was helping me heal and become "me" again. I couldn't help but worry that without speech therapy I would begin to backtrack. I know, that sounds so pessimistic! I just have to make sure that I stay on top of things and continue to work on my speech! I've been told that it will take another six months or so for my speech to get fully back to normal, so patience, Jenna, patience!

December 19, 2012

        For the past month or so, and especially ever since I completed speech therapy, I have been extra paranoid about my cancer returning. Even more than usual! I find myself sitting in front of the bathroom mirror examining my mouth, imagining that I see something that looks unusual. I was finding that this problem was getting worse instead of better. I was praying that God was help me through this, to give me a peace and a comfort, so I would stop driving myself crazy. I was even going to my mama about it so often that she thought I might need to see a doctor about putting me on some anxiety medicine or either seeing a special therapist who deals with former cancer patients. I had been told after being diagnosed that sometimes patients need to see a therapist or a support group to help them cope, but I never thought that would be me! Either way, I just put down both of mama's ideas and told her that I couldn't be happy for Christmas unless I got checked out beforehand. I told her that I didn't expect her to drive me all the way to Chapel Hill to see my surgeon, but that I would really like to go see my oncologist in Spartanburg, just to ease my mind. So, that's exactly what I did today. Going into the doctor's office his nurse probably thought I was crazy. She asked if my "problem" was causing me pain, making it difficult for me to swallow, etc, and then I went on to tell her that I didn't have a problem, I just wanted to be checked out. I felt like Vada in My Girl when she goes to the doctor everyday because she's becoming a hypochondriac! Anyways, I didn't care. I needed some reassurance. Long story short, Dr. Fried, my oncologist, had been very worried since I had made my appointment. He thought that I must have found a spot in my mouth or else I wouldn't have called. He had even made arrangements for me to have a biopsy that afternoon if necessary. I appreciated his concern and I felt horrible that I had made him worry like that. I told him how I had just been driving myself crazy lately and worrying more than usual. He checked my mouth and neck and told me that everything looked just fine. He also talked with me for a few minutes telling me that it was completely normal to be paranoid and it is better to be safe than sorry. Dr. Fried really eased my mind today and I am thankful to have a doctor like him who truly cares for his patients!

December 23, 2012

         Merry Christmas to me!! Tonight I sang in church for the first time since having cancer and having surgery on my tongue! God has restored my voice enough for me to sing again, well I never stopped singing, but singing in public had been on hiatus! This was the best Christmas gift I could have ever asked for! Ever since being diagnosed with cancer back in June I have wondered if and when I would ever sing again. I even imagined it in my mind. Tonight was such an answered prayer! Only my parents and siblings and my friend Peter, who sang this duet with me, knew I would be singing. I wanted it to be a surprise, mainly to my nana, who has been asking me to sing for months. I was a nervous wreck but so pumped! The Lord knows the joy I receive from singing and I know that my voice is a gift He has blessed me with and He alone restored that gift in me. I am so thankful and I now appreciate my voice in such a special way!

Waiting Room Confessions

November 7, 2012

                Today mama and I went back to Chapel Hill for my check up with my surgeon. I was dreading it, of course, but I was fine the entire 4 hour ride up there, but it’s like the moment we step out of the car a switch flips. I’m pretty sure my blood pressure shoots through the roof as soon as I enter the Chapel Hill city limits! As soon as we got into Dr. Weisler’s waiting room I was on edge. I feel like a complete brat when I say this, but I’m just being honest. Dr. Weisler’s waiting room drives me crazy! Since he is an ear, nose, and throat doctor his waiting room can be full of any kind of people, but nine out of ten times it is full of children and parents with babies. Don’t get me wrong, I love babies and little kids, but not in this setting. Not in any way do I think that I am his most important patient, but I do get the impression that I am most likely the only patient in the waiting room there to find out if I am cancer free or not. I could be wrong but I’m pretty positive that every other person in that waiting room is there because their baby needs tubes put in their ears or their child needs their tonsils checked. Not that those things should be taken lightly or that I am completely selfish and coldhearted but I don’t think that really compares to cancer, whether I am the patient or not. Point being, every time I sit in this waiting room, I feel different than the other patients. I know that my results from Dr. Weisler could change my life, so I sit there on edge, praying for peace and good news, trying to think of anything other than this doctor’s appointment, and just relax. In the meantime all of the other patients are being loud and carrying on and I sit there fussing (in my head) “Do you NOT know what I’m going through?! Can't you keep your kid in ONE chair?!” Well of course they don’t know! They don’t know me and they probably have no clue that a previous cancer patient would be seeing an ENT doctor. Well eventually the nurse takes me back to a room and it’s interesting because they do seem to treat me differently. The nurses always remember me and remember exactly what I am there for and exactly what I have had done. But then again, like I said, they probably don’t see very many cancer patients every day in this office. Once I was back in the room, after the nurse left and before Dr. Weisler came in, I got a little upset and started crying. I hate that I worry so much about my cancer returning. It drives me crazy, but I guess that’s normal. I’ve just got to pray for peace and have faith that the Lord will keep me healthy if that is in His plan. After Dr. Weisler came in I was fine. I pulled myself together and once he checked me out and told me that everything looked great I felt like I was really able to breathe again! Goooooobye Chapel Hill until January! I WON’T miss you!!

               Later I was thinking about how aggravated I get in Dr. Weisler’s waiting room and how ridiculous it is for me to get ill at those other patients for not being sympathetic to my situation even though they have no clue what my situation even is. It made me think how often we go through the motions without realizing how we are affecting others simply because we don’t know what they are going through. You can’t judge someone until you’ve walked in their shoes. It isn’t fair. You never know what someone is dealing with, so be careful how you treat them.

 

Thankful

November 1, 2012

        Last November I decided to keep a journal and every day I wrote about several things that I wanted to especially thank God for that day. Believe it or not, November has rolled around again, so I decided I would do the same thing this year. Before I began writing tonight I looked back through all the entries I wrote last year and one particular day really stuck out to me. Last year on November 3^rd I thanked God for my singing voice and for my health, both of which were recently shaken. I found it very ironic that I thanked God for those two things on the very same day without even the slightest inclination of what would be coming my way in the next few months. The thought of getting cancer within the next few months never crossed my mind, and especially tongue cancer considering I had never even heard of such, so I had no reason to think that my health or my voice were at risk. Reading this journal entry really made me think. It sounds so cliché but life is so uncertain. We really have no clue what the future holds. My life was turned completely upside down in less than a year. Looking back through this journal, which seems like I wrote just a week or two ago, I realized how different my life was then. The things I worried about were so petty. Now I would be thankful if some of those things were my only “worries.” This year has changed me for a lifetime, and that I wouldn’t take back! As for my health and my singing voice, God is working in a miraculous way! He has already restored my health by healing me from cancer and he is in the process of restoring my singing voice which is such a blessing! I didn’t know if I would ever be able to sing again, and I was more afraid of that than I was willing to admit, but I’m getting there! God is doing amazing things in my life and I know He is not finished with me yet! I am so thankful!!

Be a Blessing

9/27/12

              Lately one of my prayers is that God would allow me to be a blessing to someone each day. Since I was diagnosed with cancer and then healed that has been something that has really been laid on my heart. I really have a passion for helping others more than I ever have before. Just the other day I had a lady at work ask me about my surgeon at UNC. She explained how she has a friend who was just diagnosed with tongue cancer and he is looking for a surgeon to do his operation. God blessed me with such an amazing surgeon at UNC and I would recommend him to anyone. I gave her Dr. Weisler’s information and I told her some of my own personal experiences from dealing with tongue cancer that she could relate to her friend in hopes that would help him in his upcoming days of uncertainty. I felt like that day that was how I blessed someone. Sometimes those small instances matter so much.

                 This morning at speech therapy my therapist began telling me how she had used me as an example earlier that morning. She had told another patient how much I had improved since beginning therapy and how I had went through tongue cancer, surgery and now my voice is finally recovering. The patient she was referring to was a woman who had recently been diagnosed with tongue cancer but wasn’t going to have surgery because she didn’t want it to affect her speech.  At first I was a little confused because based on my understanding the first step in treating tongue cancer is always surgery to remove the tumor, so I asked my therapist, “They gave her the option?” Then Kelly, my therapist, goes on to explain that I was right, surgery is always the first step and that the doctor basically told her he could either call a surgeon for her or he could call hospice because tongue cancer will kill you. She said the patient was pretty much in denial, that the cancer would just go away and she wasn’t going to risk having the surgery and it harming her speech. This blew my mind! Kelly also went on to tell me that this woman’s case was less severe than mine was and that her tumor was even smaller than mine had been. At this point, I hate to admit it, but I was getting really aggravated at this woman who I don’t even know! How could she be so ignorant and ungrateful? My doctor told me that one week would have made a difference, and here she is lucky enough to have found her tumor while it is still smaller than mine was, and she is wasting time debating on which is more important, her speech or her life! This really upset me that someone would even think this way! Finally I realized that what I need to do about this situation is pray. I need to pray that God will give her clarity about the severity of this situation before it gets too late. I pray that she will realize sooner rather than later that surgery can save her life and that like me, she can regain her speech. She just needs to have faith. Maybe she isn’t a Christian and that is why she is having such a difficult time with this, if so, then that is something else that needs to be prayed about, that through this she will come to know the Lord and she will find comfort and peace from Him during the difficult days ahead. I also pray that what Kelly told this woman about me today will stick with her and that God will use it to persuade her into having the surgery. I hope that my story will help her and encourage her…another way that God will use my past situation to bless someone else!

New Beginnings

8/20/12
         Today was my first day of classes and nothing has been going as planned which made me second guess my decision. I couldn’t help but think if it is meant to be then why aren’t things working out? Everything seemed to be going wrong and I was feeling so stressed and confused. Well this afternoon as I was driving back to school for the second time today I started thinking, “If tomorrow I found out that my cancer was back I would be wishing something this petty was my only worry.” That was such a reality check! I realized how in the long run I was being so ridiculous and I should be grateful that this minor issue is the only thing I have to “stress” about. It made me feel horrible for letting the little things get the best of me and forgetting how blessed I really am. I had to pray for forgiveness and thank God once again for His mercy, His miracles, and His healing.

8/28/12
       Today was my first day of speech therapy at Gibbs Cancer Center. I left therapy with very mixed emotions. I am very thankful that I have finally healed enough to finally begin therapy and start working towards improving my speech, but on the other hand, therapy was very different than I expected it to be. My therapist is very sweet and encouraging, but the whole experience was a lot to take in. I couldn’t help but think about why I was even there...flashbacks of all I had been through that has led up to this.  Also, the direct concentration on my impaired speech made me sad. Of course it made me feel frustrated, but sad more than anything. There were several times when I felt my eyes well up with tears and I had to fight to keep myself from breaking down and crying. Jenna, she’s NOT that kind of therapist! HA! I just had to remind myself that this was a step in the right direction, soon my voice will be better and it will all be worth it. I also have to keep telling myself that God healed me from cancer and I have faith that He will also restore my speech!

9/9/12

      This morning was my third day of speech therapy and thankfully today was the first time I didn’t find myself getting upset or frustrated. I actually left therapy in a good mood, feeling encouraged and feeling like I was actually making progress. Being able to see (well, hear) the improvements caused by speech therapy is such motivation for me to keep practicing my speech exercises and keep a positive attitude. I am so thankful! Once again the Lord is performing a miracle in my life!

Where God is Leading Me

8/15/12

         Today I signed up to go back to school. College round 2. Who would’ve thought? After I graduated college over a year ago with a Bachelor’s degree in communications I never thought I would have the desire to go back to school, but this time I am going with more purpose, determination, and passion than I ever had in my first four years. I know without a doubt this is God’s plan for my life and even though I took some time to think and pray about this decision, I clearly remember several instances of God speaking to me. The first time I was sitting in the waiting room of the chemo therapy doctor and I was talking to mama about how all these doctors and nurses at UNC were helping me. I started crying just talking about it. I knew then that was something I wanted for my life. I wanted to be able to give to someone else what these doctors and nurses were giving to me. I wanted a career that really made a difference. Later that very same day as I was walking through the cancer hospital in Chapel Hill I saw/met three patients that really got my attention. The first was a little boy, probably only around 6 years old, who was going into the radiologist department. He seemed upbeat, like a typical little boy, but I could tell he was a patient. I remember he was wearing some kind of hat covering up the fact that he had lost his hair, so he must have been on chemo as well as radiation. Even though he seemed happy, he broke my heart. I saw this little boy as I was leaving the radiologist office, after finding out that I would not need radiation therapy, and it was so upsetting to me that I was leaving there with good news and he was going in there for treatment. The next patient I saw was a forty-something year old man named Michael, who I met in the chemo therapy waiting room. He and I shared our situations, his worse than mine, and I just felt so sorry for him. He told mama and I how he was getting ready to start both chemo therapy and radiation and I knew all we could do was pray for him and pray for the doctors and nurses that were treating him. The third patient I saw seemed to strike me the most. She was a young girl, probably close to my age, who I saw in the lobby of the cancer hospital as I was leaving. I only saw her from a distance but that was enough. She was obviously going through treatments. She was pale, very thin, and wore a scarf to cover up her bare head, but I could tell that she was a beautiful girl. She was walking around so that gave me a sense of hope that she was having a good day and her energy was up, but she broke my heart. I have no idea of her name, her story, or her situation but I can’t get her image out of my mind. I felt like she was me, if my situation had not turned out as well as it had. I felt mixed emotions, thankful for how the Lord had healed me, but also saddened over what this girl is going through. No, I do not know her at all, but I can relate to her. Like myself, she was blindsided by cancer, her life was turned upside down, I’m sure the, “Why me?  I’m so young,” thought has run through her mind more times than she can count. God spoke to me through all three of these patients at UNC. He showed me the plan he has for my life, what I am meant to do. That is why I am now going back to school to be a nurse. I know without a doubt that I am meant to be a pediatric oncology nurse and work with other young people who are going through what I went through and what those three patients went through. Not only will I have the education to assist my future patients but I will be able to relate to them and know what they are going through. To me that would be comforting. If having cancer allows me to help others by sharing my story and being able to give them comfort, hope, and encouragement then it was all worth it. I am really drawn not only to oncology, but to pediatric oncology. Cancer is scary for all ages, but because of me having cancer at such a young age (and I can’t imagine having it even younger!), those children/adolescents battling this disease have such a special place in my heart! I am so excited to see where God is leading me!

I Am So Thankful...

8/13/12
       Today Mama and I came back to Chapel Hill to meet with my surgeon for my first 6 week check-up. Even though I have been feeling great I couldn’t help but feel extremely anxious. I felt like a toddler in the waiting room. I couldn’t sit still to save my life! I was so ready to meet with Dr. Weisler and get this over with. I hope these check-up appointments get easier with time, considering I have to come back to Chapel Hill every few weeks for the next year, but I’m not sure that will happen. Of course I prayed while in the waiting room, for God to give me a peace and to get a good report from my doctor, but my nerves were still torn up until I met with my surgeon. Thankfully Dr. Weisler checked my mouth and neck and said there were not any signs of the cancer returning. Once he gave me this encouraging news I felt like I was able to breathe again! He also said I was healing very well and that I had recovered enough to start speech therapy. Finally! He said that my speech would naturally improve with time but that speech therapy would speed up the process.  That made my day! Starting speech therapy is the next step in my recovery and I am so thankful that I am at that point. Today’s doctor visit went extremely well and all the praise and glory goes to God for taking such good care of me!

8/14/12
I hope a day never goes by that I forget to thank God for healing me from cancer.

Last night before I fell asleep I was thinking about all that I have to be thankful for:
I am so thankful that I am laying here at home in my own bed instead of in a hospital bed in Chapel Hill.
I am so thankful that my biggest complaint is being frustrated with my speech.
I am so thankful that even though I still can’t do everything I want and I sit around bored most of the day, I’m NOT spending my day getting radiation and chemo treatments.
I am so thankful God was, and still is, by my side through this.
I am so thankful for Dr. Weisler. Not only did he do a great job on my surgery, but I feel like he really cares about his patients.
I am so thankful there were no signs that the cancer had returned and that I do not have to go back to Chapel Hill until October.

God you are so good!!!