July 25, 2012

               Today mama and I spent most of the afternoon in the emergency room. I haven’t been feeling well all week, mostly just tired, lack of energy, and getting really cold, but today I felt worse and started to look pale so mama insisted that I go get checked out. The doctor thought I might be anemic, but after some blood work was done she realized that wasn’t the case. She said that the fatigue from my surgery was still setting in and that even though in my mind I feel like I am ready to do more things that my body still isn’t ready. She also said that between 3-6 weeks after surgery is a hard time because that’s when everything sets in and some patients even deal with some depression as they are recovering from such a major operation. I don’t feel like I am in a state of depression or anything, but what she was saying definitely made sense. There have been several occurrences when I get down and out simply because I don’t feel like my old self anymore or when I feel self-conscious about my scar or my impaired speech. One of those mini breakdowns, as I like to call them, happened tonight. Mama was trying to talk to me about a song idea for the choir at church and I just started crying. It makes me so sad not being able to sing right now, or even talk normal. I’m trying so hard not to let my speech get the best of me, but that is definitely what I am having the most trouble with as I recover. It is so hard not to constantly get frustrated, but I don’t want these breakdowns and frustrations to make it seem like I am not grateful for how things have turned out, because I truly am.

“What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise”