Today
mama and I went back to Chapel Hill for my check up with my surgeon. I was
dreading it, of course, but I was fine the entire 4 hour ride up there, but it’s
like the moment we step out of the car a switch flips. I’m pretty sure my blood
pressure shoots through the roof as soon as I enter the Chapel Hill city
limits! As soon as we got into Dr. Weisler’s waiting room I was on edge. I feel
like a complete brat when I say this, but I’m just being honest. Dr. Weisler’s
waiting room drives me crazy! Since he is an ear, nose, and throat doctor his waiting
room can be full of any kind of people, but nine out of ten times it is full of
children and parents with babies. Don’t get me wrong, I love babies and little
kids, but not in this setting. Not in any way do I think that I am his most
important patient, but I do get the impression that I am most likely the only
patient in the waiting room there to find out if I am cancer free or not. I
could be wrong but I’m pretty positive that every other person in that waiting
room is there because their baby needs tubes put in their ears or their child needs their tonsils checked. Not that those
things should be taken lightly or that I am completely selfish and coldhearted
but I don’t think that really compares to cancer, whether I am the patient or
not. Point being, every time I sit in this waiting room, I feel different than
the other patients. I know that my results from Dr. Weisler could change my
life, so I sit there on edge, praying for peace and good news, trying to think
of anything other than this doctor’s appointment, and just relax. In the
meantime all of the other patients are being loud and carrying on and I sit
there fussing (in my head) “Do you NOT know what I’m going through?! Can't you keep your kid in ONE chair?!” Well of
course they don’t know! They don’t know me and they probably have no clue that
a previous cancer patient would be seeing an ENT doctor. Well eventually the nurse
takes me back to a room and it’s interesting because they do seem to treat me
differently. The nurses always remember me and remember exactly what I am there for
and exactly what I have had done. But then again, like I said, they probably
don’t see very many cancer patients every day in this office. Once I was back
in the room, after the nurse left and before Dr. Weisler came in, I got a
little upset and started crying. I hate that I worry so much about my cancer
returning. It drives me crazy, but I guess that’s normal. I’ve just got to pray
for peace and have faith that the Lord will keep me healthy if that is in His
plan. After Dr. Weisler came in I was fine. I pulled myself together and once
he checked me out and told me that everything looked great I felt like I was
really able to breathe again! Goooooobye Chapel Hill until January! I WON’T
miss you!!
Later I
was thinking about how aggravated I get in Dr. Weisler’s waiting room and how
ridiculous it is for me to get ill at those other patients for not being
sympathetic to my situation even though they have no clue what my situation
even is. It made me think how often we go through the motions without realizing
how we are affecting others simply because we don’t know what they are going
through. You can’t judge someone until you’ve walked in their shoes. It isn’t
fair. You never know what someone is dealing with, so be careful how you treat
them. Friday, November 9, 2012
Thankful
November 1, 2012
Last November I decided to keep a journal and every day I
wrote about several things that I wanted to especially thank God for that day.
Believe it or not, November has rolled around again, so I decided I would do
the same thing this year. Before I began writing tonight I looked back through
all the entries I wrote last year and one particular day really stuck out to
me. Last year on November 3rd I thanked God for my singing voice and
for my health, both of which were recently shaken. I found it very ironic that
I thanked God for those two things on the very same day without even the
slightest inclination of what would be coming my way in the next few months. The
thought of getting cancer within the next few months never crossed my mind, and
especially tongue cancer considering I had never even heard of such, so I had
no reason to think that my health or my voice were at risk. Reading this
journal entry really made me think. It sounds so cliché but life is so
uncertain. We really have no clue what the future holds. My life was turned
completely upside down in less than a year. Looking back through this journal,
which seems like I wrote just a week or two ago, I realized how different my
life was then. The things I worried about were so petty. Now I would be
thankful if some of those things were my only “worries.” This year has changed
me for a lifetime, and that I wouldn’t take back! As for my health and my
singing voice, God is working in a miraculous way! He has already restored my
health by healing me from cancer and he is in the process of restoring my
singing voice which is such a blessing! I didn’t know if I would ever be able
to sing again, and I was more afraid of that than I was willing to admit, but I’m
getting there! God is doing amazing things in my life and I know He is not
finished with me yet! I am so thankful!!
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