God Is Good

                Since my surgery I have had plenty of time to think, maybe too much time. Before my surgery everything was so rushed. Looking back I feel like I wasn’t thinking that much at all, just going through the motions. But I’m looking at that as a blessing. From day one, if I would have known all I was about to face I don’t know how well I would’ve handled everything. I think that about life too, especially the past year of my life. We have no idea what our lives are going to hold, what is coming next. I think that is another way in which God protects us. He knows that we can only handle so much at a time, that’s why He doesn’t reveal our future to us. It may be scary at times, may be exciting at times, but either way it saves us countless of hours that we would waste worrying about things to come, things that we have absolutely no control over. Shortly after my surgery my mama made a comment to me about a thought she had when we found out I was sick. She said that she had told herself "if it is Jenna's time to die then I am grateful for the 24 years I had with her…if that has been God’s plan all along." I couldn’t believe she was telling me this. I had never even thought that way. The thought that I might die never even crossed my mind. I wasn’t in denial, I just had a peace that I was going to be ok. Later I was telling this story to some friends at church and I was asked if I ever once felt like I was going to die, or had that fear, while I had cancer, and it felt so good being able to 100% tell them no, I never felt that way. God is so good!

July 25, 2012

               Today mama and I spent most of the afternoon in the emergency room. I haven’t been feeling well all week, mostly just tired, lack of energy, and getting really cold, but today I felt worse and started to look pale so mama insisted that I go get checked out. The doctor thought I might be anemic, but after some blood work was done she realized that wasn’t the case. She said that the fatigue from my surgery was still setting in and that even though in my mind I feel like I am ready to do more things that my body still isn’t ready. She also said that between 3-6 weeks after surgery is a hard time because that’s when everything sets in and some patients even deal with some depression as they are recovering from such a major operation. I don’t feel like I am in a state of depression or anything, but what she was saying definitely made sense. There have been several occurrences when I get down and out simply because I don’t feel like my old self anymore or when I feel self-conscious about my scar or my impaired speech. One of those mini breakdowns, as I like to call them, happened tonight. Mama was trying to talk to me about a song idea for the choir at church and I just started crying. It makes me so sad not being able to sing right now, or even talk normal. I’m trying so hard not to let my speech get the best of me, but that is definitely what I am having the most trouble with as I recover. It is so hard not to constantly get frustrated, but I don’t want these breakdowns and frustrations to make it seem like I am not grateful for how things have turned out, because I truly am.

“What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise”

Every Setback is a Setup for a Comeback

7/24
                It seems like Satan has been on my back every day this week, and I hate to say I haven’t been doing the best job fighting him off. I am letting the little things get the best of me, getting upset, and having pity parties, all when I should still be overjoyed and simply thankful for all God has done for me. Big deal if people stare at the bandage around my neck, if my face is swollen, and my speech is still impaired. Those things are just temporary. I just have to keep telling myself those things will improve and be grateful that I am now cancer free and am not having to live in Chapel Hill and go through radiation and chemo treatments every day. I have to start thinking positive and get over this mood I’ve been in!

               Later tonight I was thinking how I say “I had cancer” versus “I have cancer,” and “when I was sick” rather than still being sick. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It made me feel an overwhelming sense of thankfulness, but it also made me nervous…afraid that the cancer will return someday. That thought scares me to death, but I have to remind myself that is NO way to think, No way to live. I realize how badly things could’ve turned out, but the Lord saved me from that, so I should spend my time being thankful and not worrying about all of life’s “what if’s.”

“Every setback is a setup for a comeback. God wants to bring you out better than you were before.”

“No matter how things look, know that God is still in control. Stay in peace, knowing that He will always be with you.”

Answered Prayers

7/15
                This afternoon mama and I came back to Chapel Hill. Tomorrow I have three doctor appointments - one with my surgeon, one with the radiologist, and one about chemo therapy. I have been so anxious about these appointments all week. I am so glad that this time tomorrow they will be over with! My devotion tonight was such a blessing and God knew exactly what I needed to hear. The title was, “Do Not Worry About Tomorrow.” How fitting! A quote from the devotion said “As you affirm your faith, shackles of worry fall off instantly. Enjoy My Presence continually by trusting Me at all times.” This was a huge help to me and really calmed my nerves!

7/16

                Lord Jesus, I thank You and praise You with everything in me and with everything I have! You answered my every prayer and fixed my every need. God, I am so thankful and I will be forever grateful! Hearing that no radiation or chemo therapy will be needed and that the surgery was successful was the exact answer to my prayer. God, You are the ultimate Healer and through this situation I have truly seen the power of prayer! I will never be able to thank You for all that You have done for me! I pray that You will receive all the glory and honor that You deserve and that people will know that You are the reason I am healed. God, I also pray that You will be with the other cancer patients that You have recently put in my path and in my heart…Michael from the chemo therapy waiting room, the little boy going in to see the radiologist, and the young girl I saw in the cancer hospital lobby who was clearly going through chemo therapy. I pray that You will be with them and put Your healing hand on them. Help them to feel Your Presence and fill them with a sense of peace and comfort.

Patience

7/12
               I have been out of the hospital for a few days now. It feels so good to be home…sleeping in my own bed, not having to wake up every couple of hours during the night when the nurse came in, finally free of all the shots, IV’s, and those awful drains that were in my neck! Simply being at home made me feel ten times better!
                I have been thinking about how my current situation is teaching me patience. Last night I was about to go to sleep and was praying about Monday’s doctor appointments. I am so worried and anxious to find out the results…if radiation and chemo will be needed and if the surgery removed all of the cancer. As I laid there worrying I realized that no matter how much I worry it wouldn’t get me the results any faster. I also thought about how I can’t speak well or eat right now. As aggravated as it can make me, only over time will it improve. I just have to be patient. I feel like patience goes hand in hand with faith, so if I put my faith and trust in the Lord I have no reason to worry. I should just be patient and let the Lord lead me through each step.

Time's Up

7/4              
                Today was a typical Fourth of July…pool party, cookout, and fireworks, but in the back (actually more towards the front) of my mind I couldn’t stop thinking about my surgery, how tomorrow we leave for Chapel Hill. Even though I still have a positive attitude about this situation and I have complete faith and trust in God about this entire situation, I still can’t believe how fast my life changed, how this is really happening. Tonight as I was packing my suitcase I just kept thinking how weird it felt…packing my bags…for Chapel Hill…to have surgery…to remove cancer…in two days…I’m only 24. So many thoughts. Too many thoughts. I didn’t want to breakdown and cry or anything, just a lot of thoughts.                
                 Lord Jesus, I pray that You will give me strength and peace over the next couple of days. Help me to feel Your presence constantly. Be with me during my surgery and be with my doctors. Work a miracle Lord and make my surgery and recovery go even better than expected, and without radiation and chemo therapy! I promise to give You all the honor and glory that You deserve! Thank You for all that You have done for me!
“Then He said to her, ‘Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.’” –Luke 8:48

“Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:18

7/5
                I can’t believe my surgery is in about 8hrs. Pretty much all I have to do is go to sleep and it will be time. Right now I’m feeling pretty calm. I’m just trying to enjoy this time with my family in this really awesome hotel in Chapel Hill. Tonight mama and nana and us kids sat outside on this balcony to wait on the rest of the family to get here. It felt so good being outside and it helped me to relax a little bit. As I sat outside I also checked my Facebook and I had a ton of sweet, encouraging messages. I have so many people praying for me and I can feel it! I have such a peace. God is filling me with such peace and strength and I am so thankful for that!

“You walk beside me giving strength I’ve never known…I rely on Your patience when I face the unknown and because of You I am not alone.” –I Am Not Alone, by Natalie Grant

Be A Witness

6/30

                Lord, the past week or so I have noticed a change in the way I see certain people and the things they do. I don’t feel like I am judging them, if I am then stop me, but their actions are making my angry. I see people who “drink their problems away,” drink to ignore a broken heart, have wild weekends and brag about them all over Facebook, and not even consider the harmful consequences. I have never liked the “why me” attitude because yes, bad things happen to “good” people, but lately it is so hard for me not to get aggravated. Not that I want anyone to suffer from cancer, but it is so hard for me to understand how I who have never smoked or drank alcohol in my life gets tongue cancer at 24 and some people do harm to their body on a daily basis without even considering the after effects.  Like I said, I don’t understand and I never will. I just know that God has a plan for my life and that everything happens for a reason. This time in my life is just helping me get to where God needs me to be. More than anything I just think about how wrong those people are. Not wrong in the sense that they are bad people for what they are doing because we are all sinners, but wrong as in misguided, lost, and confused. They are turning towards the wrong things, the dangerous things. I also get angry at people that do not think of the consequences of their choices, but then again, I have made those mistakes myself. It’s sad but sometimes it takes a harsh wakeup call before you change the way you’re living. God I just pray that You will help me to be more loving towards people. There is no way for me to be a witness in their life without loving them first. Help me to not get so angry, but instead be helpful.

I Turn to You Jesus

6/29

                A few days ago in the gym I began talking to the nicest elderly man. Well he was here again this morning and he was asking when I get to start my new job so I told about my cancer and upcoming surgery. He went on to tell me how he was a retired Methodist minister and that he would be praying for me. We talked for several minutes about the power of prayer and how much support it brings. That conversation was such an added blessing to my morning and I believe that God put him in my path for that reason.

                God, as my surgery date is getting closer I can tell my mood is changing. I don’t want that to happen. Lord, help me to keep my eyes on You and for my faith to remain strong. Fill my heart and mind with a peace that only You can give. I pray Jesus, that You will have Your hand in every part of this situation, especially my surgery, and that You will bring healing to my body. Please Lord, work a miracle. I will give all the glory and honor to Your name.

                Tonight while I was out on a walk by myself, listening to my newly made playlist on my IPod titled “Encouragement,” “I Turn to You,” by Selah came on. As I listened to the words of this song and thought about my current situation, the peace, faith, and even joy that I had when I first accepted the news of my cancer was restored in me. Tears began to fill my eyes as I realized that no matter how drastic my life has changed in just two weeks that if I just turn to Jesus and rely on Him that I will be ok. The way that the Lord spoke to me in this song renewed my strength. It was such an amazing blessing! Sometimes those walks by myself, letting Jesus speak to me through music, is just what I need!

“I turn to You, Jesus. I turn to You, Lord. What else can I do, Jesus? I turn to You…For the faith to move ahead and to let go of the past…” -Selah

June 26, 2012 - First Visit to UNC

                Today Mama and I left for Chapel Hill because I meet with my surgeon in the morning. From the moment we left the house this whole situation felt more real. I don’t know where I thought I was packing to go, but it didn’t hit me until we headed up I-85 to UNC. At least half of the 4hr trip I was in such a terrible mood and later tonight after supper I had to force myself not to breakdown and cry. We are staying in a big “house” provided by the hospital for patients and their families. As I was bringing in my suitcase tonight I thought about how two weeks ago, just two weeks, I had no idea what my life was about to be like. I could not believe that I was actually here, going through these motions, dealing with cancer. I was actually here at UNC waiting to meet with a surgeon. I don’t think I have been in denial about this, but being here, about to face all of the things that I have been told about, hit me like a ton of bricks.

                God I pray that You will fill me with a peace and strength that only You can provide. I am scared, Lord, but I know that You are with me and You will never leave. Help me to never forget that. Please heal me Jesus. Work a miracle. I put all of my faith and trust in You alone. Help me to feel Your Presence now more than ever. Have Your will be done in my life and bring glory and honor to Your name through me. Thank You Jesus for loving me and saving me and for all that You have done for me.

No Matter What

6/24

                
                A few days ago mama asked if I would sing “No Matter What” by Kerrie Roberts in church before my surgery. At first I said no. Part of me thought I would get up there in front of the entire church and get too emotional to even sing, the other part of me couldn’t help but think, “I’m having surgery on my tongue and neck. The doctor has said it would affect my speech. What if this is the last time I will ever sing?” I didn’t think I could handle that thought, but the more I thought about it and thought about the words of that song, I knew that I needed to sing. So today in church I pushed all those negative thoughts aside, controlled my emotions, and sang “No Matter What.” The lyrics could not have been more fitting! “I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises You. Before a heartache can ever touch my life it has to go through Your hands and even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why. No matter what I’m gonna love You. No matter what I’m gonna need You. I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, I’ll trust You. No matter what.”

Those lyrics explain exactly how I have been feeling and how I want others to know how God will take care of me no matter what happens in my life. After I finished singing the whole congregation gave me a standing ovation. Then Pastor Gary put his arm around me and called any women of the church that wanted to, to come up and pray over me. Mama and Nana came up and many other wonderful women in my life. It was so special and so heartfelt. I felt the love of these ladies and the love of the Lord. Today was a day I will never forget. Of course I cried all through the prayer, but I just feel so blessed to have such a loving church family who cares so much about me. I am so thankful for that and it makes such a huge difference at a time like this.

June 22, 2012 - The Waiting Game

                I woke up this morning feeling sick to my stomach and I was a nervous wreck all the way to my doctor’s appointment. In the car on the way to the hospital mama prayed out loud and I started crying a little bit. I know that no matter what God will always take care of me, but I was still so afraid of getting back the results from yesterday’s scan. I have never been more nervous in my life! Once we got inside the hospital I had to sit there and fill out a ton of paper work while I was freezing (because of my nerves) and was shaking like a leaf. I was just ready to know my results, to get it over with. I had no clue I would be THIS nervous, anxious, and overwhelmed this morning. I have been doing so well. I guess the reality of getting my results finally set in, the possibility that the cancer could have spread. After waiting a little while we finally were put back into a room and were told just about the best news possible. Based on the scan, the doctor is almost positive that the cancer has not spread and that most likely radiation will not be needed, only surgery. My doctor was wonderful and as soon as he said those amazing words I immediately began thanking and praising God in my head as the doctor continued talking.
                Lord Jesus, You are so good! You heard our prayers and You answered them! You are so good and faithful. I will never stop thanking You for this and I will forever praise Your name! Help me to continue to receive good news as I go to my next doctor’s appointment on Wednesday in Chapel Hill to meet with my surgeon.

“But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.” –Micah 7:7

“Father, help me to never be afraid; to pray for the impossible.”

“Your faith is not to help you avoid problems, but to go through problems with stability.”

“But even when I am afraid, I keep on trusting You.” –Psalm 56:3

“And He said, ‘your faith has made you well; go in peace.’” –Luke 8:48

                                                

PET Scan

6/20

                This afternoon I went to Spartanburg Regional for my PET scan. This scan will tell if the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes or anywhere else in my body. I had to be injected with a dye and then drink what they called a contrast, which was a terrible, white drink that tasted like pool water. Then I just sat and watched TV for an hour and a half while the dye got into my system. Then it was time for the scan, which only took about thirty minutes. The worst part of this experience was the nasty drink! Everybody at the hospital was so nice and I could tell they were surprised by how positive and upbeat I was about my situation. That made me happy...hoping I made an impact!

                Later this afternoon, when I got home from the hospital I got an email from the job interview I had went on month’s earlier saying I had gotten the job. The only problem is that they are unaware of my cancer, so I will not be able to start yet. Still, it is such a blessing and an answered prayer! Thank You, Jesus!

“God is at work in your life right now. He is directing your steps. What you thought was a setback is going to turn out to be a setup.”

“When we put our cares in His hands, He puts His peace in our hearts.”

“You walk beside me giving strength I’ve never known…I rely on Your patience when I face the unknown and because of You I am not alone.” –I Am Not Alone, by Natalie Grant

6/21

                Dear Jesus, tomorrow I go to see my oncologist for the first time and I will find out the results from yesterday’s scan. I have faith in You Lord, I really do, but I am also nervous. I am so scared of getting the results. I trust You with my whole heart, Lord, and I put every ounce of faith I have in You and Your power to heal me and work a miracle in this situation. So Jesus, I pray that I will get a good report at the doctor tomorrow. Please Lord, I know that with You all things are possible and I truly believe that. Please just let me get good results. I beg You, Lord! I will give You all the glory, honor, and praise that You and only You deserve.

June 16, 2012 - Breaking the News

                Today I had to break the bad news to two of my friends. I wanted to avoid those conversations for as long as possible. I was afraid that talking about my cancer would be more of a reality check than I was ready for and I didn’t want to get upset in front of anyone. I wanted my friends to know that I was going to be ok. It turned out that I was nervous for no reason. I was able to tell my friends what was going on, even going into detail, without getting the least bit upset. They couldn’t believe how positive I was being, but again, I knew that peace and calmness came only from Jesus! One of my friends said that my attitude about my current situation really shows the kind of person I am and that if I can get through this then I can get through anything! Not that I needed his approval or satisfaction, but that statement was very encouraging. Tonight one of my best friends also sent me the sweetest message: “Just in the past two days your faith has had an effect on me that wants mine to be that much stronger and I feel so many people are going to be blessed by you through this.” That one message touched my heart like nothing ever has before. Of course I don’t want to be sick, but if people notice my faith though this that would be a huge blessing.

                Lord Jesus, I pray that You will put Your healing hand on me and work and miracle and heal me from this cancer. I have the faith that You can and You will do that! God, I also pray that I will influence people’s lives because of my situation and that the lost will come to know You and people will see how having even the “faith of a mustard seed” can change their life! I love You, Jesus and I will praise Your name always!

                Later today my mood changed a good bit. I went to get my hair done, didn’t like the way it turned out, and I guess that was just the final straw…as silly as it sounds. I haven’t been sleeping good and I had a headache and I am not allowed to take any pain meds because they can thin your blood and that is a precaution for my upcoming surgery, so the one thing I wanted to make me happy was to get my hair done, so when that turned out wrong I just had a breakdown. I felt so shallow and vein getting upset about my hair at a time like this, but it honestly wasn’t even about my hair. It was simply that with everything else dragging me down this afternoon, when the one little thing I was looking forward to went wrong, I just lost it. Luckily my ill mood didn’t last long and it picked up when we went over to John and Beth’s tonight for a cookout. We had such a good time. Then tonight when we got back home Chris (my 12 yr old brother) came in my room and gave me the trophy that his team had won in their baseball tournament over the weekend. He said that he and his coach thought I should have it. Again, I cried. He has the biggest heart and that made my whole day so much better!

“I trust God with my life…after all, He gave it to me.”

“Whatever you ask for in prayer, with faith, you will receive.” –Matthew 21:22

“Oh Lord my God, I called to You for help and You healed me.” –Psalm 30:2

“It is You who made the heavens and the earth by Your great name. Nothing is too hard for You.” –Jeremiah 32:17

June 15, 2012 - Getting the News

                Yesterday afternoon I found out that I have cancer on my tongue. I will be having a scan done next week to see if there is cancer anywhere else in my body and then I will be having surgery to remove it shortly after. I am nervous but I am also extremely calm. I feel a peace that I know is only given to me by the Holy Spirit and I am so thankful for that. I don’t know how people get through times like this without Jesus in their heart. I know I couldn’t get through a single day without Him. He is the only reason that I have the strength to push on right now.

                Lord, I know that You are with me and I pray that You will work a miracle in this situation, a miracle that will bring glory to Your name and help others to come to know You! Please heal me, Jesus! I will for now and forever use this experience to bring glory and honor to You.

Here are some verses and quotes that I wrote in my journal that day:

“Refuse to be fearful about what will happen to you. God is faithful and He will take care of you if you trust Him.”  (I made this my facebook status the night I found out about my cancer.)

“When you have doubts and questions, choose to say, ‘Lord, I believe. I may not always understand, but I trust You.’”

“Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles.” –Isaiah 40:31

“Thank me for each problem you encounter, and watch to see how I transform trials into blessings.”

“Wherever you are going God has already been there and paved the way for you.” (Matthew 6:27-30)

How It All Began

    

For months I thought I had a persistent ulcer. I was so wrong. Who would have thought that at 24 years old I would have squamous cell cancer on my tongue? For 2-3 months I repeatedly saw my family doctor about this painful "ulcer." Like myself, she just assumed it was an ulcer and gave me several different prescriptions to numb the pain and attempt to make it go away. Eventually, as the pain increased, my mama made an appointment with a specialist, an ENT doctor. On June 13th I went to that doctor's appointment, by myself, thinking he would finally give me something to clear up this ulcer. I left the doctor's office that day in tears. I could not have been more shocked. He immediately did a biopsy. Of course I knew that meant cancer was a possibility. After the biopsy the doctor asked if I had any questions but by this time my mouth was full of cotton to stop the bleeding from the biopsy, my mind was spinning in a million different directions, I was about to cry, and all I wanted to do was get out of there and call my mama. How could this be happening? That night my mama tried to calm my nerves as much as possible and I was scheduled to go back to the ENT the next day to find out the results of the biopsy. That was the longest 24 hours of my life.