Waiting Room Confessions

November 7, 2012

                Today mama and I went back to Chapel Hill for my check up with my surgeon. I was dreading it, of course, but I was fine the entire 4 hour ride up there, but it’s like the moment we step out of the car a switch flips. I’m pretty sure my blood pressure shoots through the roof as soon as I enter the Chapel Hill city limits! As soon as we got into Dr. Weisler’s waiting room I was on edge. I feel like a complete brat when I say this, but I’m just being honest. Dr. Weisler’s waiting room drives me crazy! Since he is an ear, nose, and throat doctor his waiting room can be full of any kind of people, but nine out of ten times it is full of children and parents with babies. Don’t get me wrong, I love babies and little kids, but not in this setting. Not in any way do I think that I am his most important patient, but I do get the impression that I am most likely the only patient in the waiting room there to find out if I am cancer free or not. I could be wrong but I’m pretty positive that every other person in that waiting room is there because their baby needs tubes put in their ears or their child needs their tonsils checked. Not that those things should be taken lightly or that I am completely selfish and coldhearted but I don’t think that really compares to cancer, whether I am the patient or not. Point being, every time I sit in this waiting room, I feel different than the other patients. I know that my results from Dr. Weisler could change my life, so I sit there on edge, praying for peace and good news, trying to think of anything other than this doctor’s appointment, and just relax. In the meantime all of the other patients are being loud and carrying on and I sit there fussing (in my head) “Do you NOT know what I’m going through?! Can't you keep your kid in ONE chair?!” Well of course they don’t know! They don’t know me and they probably have no clue that a previous cancer patient would be seeing an ENT doctor. Well eventually the nurse takes me back to a room and it’s interesting because they do seem to treat me differently. The nurses always remember me and remember exactly what I am there for and exactly what I have had done. But then again, like I said, they probably don’t see very many cancer patients every day in this office. Once I was back in the room, after the nurse left and before Dr. Weisler came in, I got a little upset and started crying. I hate that I worry so much about my cancer returning. It drives me crazy, but I guess that’s normal. I’ve just got to pray for peace and have faith that the Lord will keep me healthy if that is in His plan. After Dr. Weisler came in I was fine. I pulled myself together and once he checked me out and told me that everything looked great I felt like I was really able to breathe again! Goooooobye Chapel Hill until January! I WON’T miss you!!

               Later I was thinking about how aggravated I get in Dr. Weisler’s waiting room and how ridiculous it is for me to get ill at those other patients for not being sympathetic to my situation even though they have no clue what my situation even is. It made me think how often we go through the motions without realizing how we are affecting others simply because we don’t know what they are going through. You can’t judge someone until you’ve walked in their shoes. It isn’t fair. You never know what someone is dealing with, so be careful how you treat them.

 

Thankful

November 1, 2012

        Last November I decided to keep a journal and every day I wrote about several things that I wanted to especially thank God for that day. Believe it or not, November has rolled around again, so I decided I would do the same thing this year. Before I began writing tonight I looked back through all the entries I wrote last year and one particular day really stuck out to me. Last year on November 3^rd I thanked God for my singing voice and for my health, both of which were recently shaken. I found it very ironic that I thanked God for those two things on the very same day without even the slightest inclination of what would be coming my way in the next few months. The thought of getting cancer within the next few months never crossed my mind, and especially tongue cancer considering I had never even heard of such, so I had no reason to think that my health or my voice were at risk. Reading this journal entry really made me think. It sounds so cliché but life is so uncertain. We really have no clue what the future holds. My life was turned completely upside down in less than a year. Looking back through this journal, which seems like I wrote just a week or two ago, I realized how different my life was then. The things I worried about were so petty. Now I would be thankful if some of those things were my only “worries.” This year has changed me for a lifetime, and that I wouldn’t take back! As for my health and my singing voice, God is working in a miraculous way! He has already restored my health by healing me from cancer and he is in the process of restoring my singing voice which is such a blessing! I didn’t know if I would ever be able to sing again, and I was more afraid of that than I was willing to admit, but I’m getting there! God is doing amazing things in my life and I know He is not finished with me yet! I am so thankful!!

Be a Blessing

9/27/12

              Lately one of my prayers is that God would allow me to be a blessing to someone each day. Since I was diagnosed with cancer and then healed that has been something that has really been laid on my heart. I really have a passion for helping others more than I ever have before. Just the other day I had a lady at work ask me about my surgeon at UNC. She explained how she has a friend who was just diagnosed with tongue cancer and he is looking for a surgeon to do his operation. God blessed me with such an amazing surgeon at UNC and I would recommend him to anyone. I gave her Dr. Weisler’s information and I told her some of my own personal experiences from dealing with tongue cancer that she could relate to her friend in hopes that would help him in his upcoming days of uncertainty. I felt like that day that was how I blessed someone. Sometimes those small instances matter so much.

                 This morning at speech therapy my therapist began telling me how she had used me as an example earlier that morning. She had told another patient how much I had improved since beginning therapy and how I had went through tongue cancer, surgery and now my voice is finally recovering. The patient she was referring to was a woman who had recently been diagnosed with tongue cancer but wasn’t going to have surgery because she didn’t want it to affect her speech.  At first I was a little confused because based on my understanding the first step in treating tongue cancer is always surgery to remove the tumor, so I asked my therapist, “They gave her the option?” Then Kelly, my therapist, goes on to explain that I was right, surgery is always the first step and that the doctor basically told her he could either call a surgeon for her or he could call hospice because tongue cancer will kill you. She said the patient was pretty much in denial, that the cancer would just go away and she wasn’t going to risk having the surgery and it harming her speech. This blew my mind! Kelly also went on to tell me that this woman’s case was less severe than mine was and that her tumor was even smaller than mine had been. At this point, I hate to admit it, but I was getting really aggravated at this woman who I don’t even know! How could she be so ignorant and ungrateful? My doctor told me that one week would have made a difference, and here she is lucky enough to have found her tumor while it is still smaller than mine was, and she is wasting time debating on which is more important, her speech or her life! This really upset me that someone would even think this way! Finally I realized that what I need to do about this situation is pray. I need to pray that God will give her clarity about the severity of this situation before it gets too late. I pray that she will realize sooner rather than later that surgery can save her life and that like me, she can regain her speech. She just needs to have faith. Maybe she isn’t a Christian and that is why she is having such a difficult time with this, if so, then that is something else that needs to be prayed about, that through this she will come to know the Lord and she will find comfort and peace from Him during the difficult days ahead. I also pray that what Kelly told this woman about me today will stick with her and that God will use it to persuade her into having the surgery. I hope that my story will help her and encourage her…another way that God will use my past situation to bless someone else!

New Beginnings

8/20/12
         Today was my first day of classes and nothing has been going as planned which made me second guess my decision. I couldn’t help but think if it is meant to be then why aren’t things working out? Everything seemed to be going wrong and I was feeling so stressed and confused. Well this afternoon as I was driving back to school for the second time today I started thinking, “If tomorrow I found out that my cancer was back I would be wishing something this petty was my only worry.” That was such a reality check! I realized how in the long run I was being so ridiculous and I should be grateful that this minor issue is the only thing I have to “stress” about. It made me feel horrible for letting the little things get the best of me and forgetting how blessed I really am. I had to pray for forgiveness and thank God once again for His mercy, His miracles, and His healing.

8/28/12
       Today was my first day of speech therapy at Gibbs Cancer Center. I left therapy with very mixed emotions. I am very thankful that I have finally healed enough to finally begin therapy and start working towards improving my speech, but on the other hand, therapy was very different than I expected it to be. My therapist is very sweet and encouraging, but the whole experience was a lot to take in. I couldn’t help but think about why I was even there...flashbacks of all I had been through that has led up to this.  Also, the direct concentration on my impaired speech made me sad. Of course it made me feel frustrated, but sad more than anything. There were several times when I felt my eyes well up with tears and I had to fight to keep myself from breaking down and crying. Jenna, she’s NOT that kind of therapist! HA! I just had to remind myself that this was a step in the right direction, soon my voice will be better and it will all be worth it. I also have to keep telling myself that God healed me from cancer and I have faith that He will also restore my speech!

9/9/12

      This morning was my third day of speech therapy and thankfully today was the first time I didn’t find myself getting upset or frustrated. I actually left therapy in a good mood, feeling encouraged and feeling like I was actually making progress. Being able to see (well, hear) the improvements caused by speech therapy is such motivation for me to keep practicing my speech exercises and keep a positive attitude. I am so thankful! Once again the Lord is performing a miracle in my life!

Where God is Leading Me

8/15/12

         Today I signed up to go back to school. College round 2. Who would’ve thought? After I graduated college over a year ago with a Bachelor’s degree in communications I never thought I would have the desire to go back to school, but this time I am going with more purpose, determination, and passion than I ever had in my first four years. I know without a doubt this is God’s plan for my life and even though I took some time to think and pray about this decision, I clearly remember several instances of God speaking to me. The first time I was sitting in the waiting room of the chemo therapy doctor and I was talking to mama about how all these doctors and nurses at UNC were helping me. I started crying just talking about it. I knew then that was something I wanted for my life. I wanted to be able to give to someone else what these doctors and nurses were giving to me. I wanted a career that really made a difference. Later that very same day as I was walking through the cancer hospital in Chapel Hill I saw/met three patients that really got my attention. The first was a little boy, probably only around 6 years old, who was going into the radiologist department. He seemed upbeat, like a typical little boy, but I could tell he was a patient. I remember he was wearing some kind of hat covering up the fact that he had lost his hair, so he must have been on chemo as well as radiation. Even though he seemed happy, he broke my heart. I saw this little boy as I was leaving the radiologist office, after finding out that I would not need radiation therapy, and it was so upsetting to me that I was leaving there with good news and he was going in there for treatment. The next patient I saw was a forty-something year old man named Michael, who I met in the chemo therapy waiting room. He and I shared our situations, his worse than mine, and I just felt so sorry for him. He told mama and I how he was getting ready to start both chemo therapy and radiation and I knew all we could do was pray for him and pray for the doctors and nurses that were treating him. The third patient I saw seemed to strike me the most. She was a young girl, probably close to my age, who I saw in the lobby of the cancer hospital as I was leaving. I only saw her from a distance but that was enough. She was obviously going through treatments. She was pale, very thin, and wore a scarf to cover up her bare head, but I could tell that she was a beautiful girl. She was walking around so that gave me a sense of hope that she was having a good day and her energy was up, but she broke my heart. I have no idea of her name, her story, or her situation but I can’t get her image out of my mind. I felt like she was me, if my situation had not turned out as well as it had. I felt mixed emotions, thankful for how the Lord had healed me, but also saddened over what this girl is going through. No, I do not know her at all, but I can relate to her. Like myself, she was blindsided by cancer, her life was turned upside down, I’m sure the, “Why me?  I’m so young,” thought has run through her mind more times than she can count. God spoke to me through all three of these patients at UNC. He showed me the plan he has for my life, what I am meant to do. That is why I am now going back to school to be a nurse. I know without a doubt that I am meant to be a pediatric oncology nurse and work with other young people who are going through what I went through and what those three patients went through. Not only will I have the education to assist my future patients but I will be able to relate to them and know what they are going through. To me that would be comforting. If having cancer allows me to help others by sharing my story and being able to give them comfort, hope, and encouragement then it was all worth it. I am really drawn not only to oncology, but to pediatric oncology. Cancer is scary for all ages, but because of me having cancer at such a young age (and I can’t imagine having it even younger!), those children/adolescents battling this disease have such a special place in my heart! I am so excited to see where God is leading me!

I Am So Thankful...

8/13/12
       Today Mama and I came back to Chapel Hill to meet with my surgeon for my first 6 week check-up. Even though I have been feeling great I couldn’t help but feel extremely anxious. I felt like a toddler in the waiting room. I couldn’t sit still to save my life! I was so ready to meet with Dr. Weisler and get this over with. I hope these check-up appointments get easier with time, considering I have to come back to Chapel Hill every few weeks for the next year, but I’m not sure that will happen. Of course I prayed while in the waiting room, for God to give me a peace and to get a good report from my doctor, but my nerves were still torn up until I met with my surgeon. Thankfully Dr. Weisler checked my mouth and neck and said there were not any signs of the cancer returning. Once he gave me this encouraging news I felt like I was able to breathe again! He also said I was healing very well and that I had recovered enough to start speech therapy. Finally! He said that my speech would naturally improve with time but that speech therapy would speed up the process.  That made my day! Starting speech therapy is the next step in my recovery and I am so thankful that I am at that point. Today’s doctor visit went extremely well and all the praise and glory goes to God for taking such good care of me!

8/14/12
I hope a day never goes by that I forget to thank God for healing me from cancer.

Last night before I fell asleep I was thinking about all that I have to be thankful for:
I am so thankful that I am laying here at home in my own bed instead of in a hospital bed in Chapel Hill.
I am so thankful that my biggest complaint is being frustrated with my speech.
I am so thankful that even though I still can’t do everything I want and I sit around bored most of the day, I’m NOT spending my day getting radiation and chemo treatments.
I am so thankful God was, and still is, by my side through this.
I am so thankful for Dr. Weisler. Not only did he do a great job on my surgery, but I feel like he really cares about his patients.
I am so thankful there were no signs that the cancer had returned and that I do not have to go back to Chapel Hill until October.

God you are so good!!!

God Is Good

                Since my surgery I have had plenty of time to think, maybe too much time. Before my surgery everything was so rushed. Looking back I feel like I wasn’t thinking that much at all, just going through the motions. But I’m looking at that as a blessing. From day one, if I would have known all I was about to face I don’t know how well I would’ve handled everything. I think that about life too, especially the past year of my life. We have no idea what our lives are going to hold, what is coming next. I think that is another way in which God protects us. He knows that we can only handle so much at a time, that’s why He doesn’t reveal our future to us. It may be scary at times, may be exciting at times, but either way it saves us countless of hours that we would waste worrying about things to come, things that we have absolutely no control over. Shortly after my surgery my mama made a comment to me about a thought she had when we found out I was sick. She said that she had told herself "if it is Jenna's time to die then I am grateful for the 24 years I had with her…if that has been God’s plan all along." I couldn’t believe she was telling me this. I had never even thought that way. The thought that I might die never even crossed my mind. I wasn’t in denial, I just had a peace that I was going to be ok. Later I was telling this story to some friends at church and I was asked if I ever once felt like I was going to die, or had that fear, while I had cancer, and it felt so good being able to 100% tell them no, I never felt that way. God is so good!

July 25, 2012

               Today mama and I spent most of the afternoon in the emergency room. I haven’t been feeling well all week, mostly just tired, lack of energy, and getting really cold, but today I felt worse and started to look pale so mama insisted that I go get checked out. The doctor thought I might be anemic, but after some blood work was done she realized that wasn’t the case. She said that the fatigue from my surgery was still setting in and that even though in my mind I feel like I am ready to do more things that my body still isn’t ready. She also said that between 3-6 weeks after surgery is a hard time because that’s when everything sets in and some patients even deal with some depression as they are recovering from such a major operation. I don’t feel like I am in a state of depression or anything, but what she was saying definitely made sense. There have been several occurrences when I get down and out simply because I don’t feel like my old self anymore or when I feel self-conscious about my scar or my impaired speech. One of those mini breakdowns, as I like to call them, happened tonight. Mama was trying to talk to me about a song idea for the choir at church and I just started crying. It makes me so sad not being able to sing right now, or even talk normal. I’m trying so hard not to let my speech get the best of me, but that is definitely what I am having the most trouble with as I recover. It is so hard not to constantly get frustrated, but I don’t want these breakdowns and frustrations to make it seem like I am not grateful for how things have turned out, because I truly am.

“What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise”

Every Setback is a Setup for a Comeback

7/24
                It seems like Satan has been on my back every day this week, and I hate to say I haven’t been doing the best job fighting him off. I am letting the little things get the best of me, getting upset, and having pity parties, all when I should still be overjoyed and simply thankful for all God has done for me. Big deal if people stare at the bandage around my neck, if my face is swollen, and my speech is still impaired. Those things are just temporary. I just have to keep telling myself those things will improve and be grateful that I am now cancer free and am not having to live in Chapel Hill and go through radiation and chemo treatments every day. I have to start thinking positive and get over this mood I’ve been in!

               Later tonight I was thinking how I say “I had cancer” versus “I have cancer,” and “when I was sick” rather than still being sick. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It made me feel an overwhelming sense of thankfulness, but it also made me nervous…afraid that the cancer will return someday. That thought scares me to death, but I have to remind myself that is NO way to think, No way to live. I realize how badly things could’ve turned out, but the Lord saved me from that, so I should spend my time being thankful and not worrying about all of life’s “what if’s.”

“Every setback is a setup for a comeback. God wants to bring you out better than you were before.”

“No matter how things look, know that God is still in control. Stay in peace, knowing that He will always be with you.”

Answered Prayers

7/15
                This afternoon mama and I came back to Chapel Hill. Tomorrow I have three doctor appointments - one with my surgeon, one with the radiologist, and one about chemo therapy. I have been so anxious about these appointments all week. I am so glad that this time tomorrow they will be over with! My devotion tonight was such a blessing and God knew exactly what I needed to hear. The title was, “Do Not Worry About Tomorrow.” How fitting! A quote from the devotion said “As you affirm your faith, shackles of worry fall off instantly. Enjoy My Presence continually by trusting Me at all times.” This was a huge help to me and really calmed my nerves!

7/16

                Lord Jesus, I thank You and praise You with everything in me and with everything I have! You answered my every prayer and fixed my every need. God, I am so thankful and I will be forever grateful! Hearing that no radiation or chemo therapy will be needed and that the surgery was successful was the exact answer to my prayer. God, You are the ultimate Healer and through this situation I have truly seen the power of prayer! I will never be able to thank You for all that You have done for me! I pray that You will receive all the glory and honor that You deserve and that people will know that You are the reason I am healed. God, I also pray that You will be with the other cancer patients that You have recently put in my path and in my heart…Michael from the chemo therapy waiting room, the little boy going in to see the radiologist, and the young girl I saw in the cancer hospital lobby who was clearly going through chemo therapy. I pray that You will be with them and put Your healing hand on them. Help them to feel Your Presence and fill them with a sense of peace and comfort.

Patience

7/12
               I have been out of the hospital for a few days now. It feels so good to be home…sleeping in my own bed, not having to wake up every couple of hours during the night when the nurse came in, finally free of all the shots, IV’s, and those awful drains that were in my neck! Simply being at home made me feel ten times better!
                I have been thinking about how my current situation is teaching me patience. Last night I was about to go to sleep and was praying about Monday’s doctor appointments. I am so worried and anxious to find out the results…if radiation and chemo will be needed and if the surgery removed all of the cancer. As I laid there worrying I realized that no matter how much I worry it wouldn’t get me the results any faster. I also thought about how I can’t speak well or eat right now. As aggravated as it can make me, only over time will it improve. I just have to be patient. I feel like patience goes hand in hand with faith, so if I put my faith and trust in the Lord I have no reason to worry. I should just be patient and let the Lord lead me through each step.

Time's Up

7/4              
                Today was a typical Fourth of July…pool party, cookout, and fireworks, but in the back (actually more towards the front) of my mind I couldn’t stop thinking about my surgery, how tomorrow we leave for Chapel Hill. Even though I still have a positive attitude about this situation and I have complete faith and trust in God about this entire situation, I still can’t believe how fast my life changed, how this is really happening. Tonight as I was packing my suitcase I just kept thinking how weird it felt…packing my bags…for Chapel Hill…to have surgery…to remove cancer…in two days…I’m only 24. So many thoughts. Too many thoughts. I didn’t want to breakdown and cry or anything, just a lot of thoughts.                
                 Lord Jesus, I pray that You will give me strength and peace over the next couple of days. Help me to feel Your presence constantly. Be with me during my surgery and be with my doctors. Work a miracle Lord and make my surgery and recovery go even better than expected, and without radiation and chemo therapy! I promise to give You all the honor and glory that You deserve! Thank You for all that You have done for me!
“Then He said to her, ‘Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace.’” –Luke 8:48

“Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” – 1 Thessalonians 5:18

7/5
                I can’t believe my surgery is in about 8hrs. Pretty much all I have to do is go to sleep and it will be time. Right now I’m feeling pretty calm. I’m just trying to enjoy this time with my family in this really awesome hotel in Chapel Hill. Tonight mama and nana and us kids sat outside on this balcony to wait on the rest of the family to get here. It felt so good being outside and it helped me to relax a little bit. As I sat outside I also checked my Facebook and I had a ton of sweet, encouraging messages. I have so many people praying for me and I can feel it! I have such a peace. God is filling me with such peace and strength and I am so thankful for that!

“You walk beside me giving strength I’ve never known…I rely on Your patience when I face the unknown and because of You I am not alone.” –I Am Not Alone, by Natalie Grant

Be A Witness

6/30

                Lord, the past week or so I have noticed a change in the way I see certain people and the things they do. I don’t feel like I am judging them, if I am then stop me, but their actions are making my angry. I see people who “drink their problems away,” drink to ignore a broken heart, have wild weekends and brag about them all over Facebook, and not even consider the harmful consequences. I have never liked the “why me” attitude because yes, bad things happen to “good” people, but lately it is so hard for me not to get aggravated. Not that I want anyone to suffer from cancer, but it is so hard for me to understand how I who have never smoked or drank alcohol in my life gets tongue cancer at 24 and some people do harm to their body on a daily basis without even considering the after effects.  Like I said, I don’t understand and I never will. I just know that God has a plan for my life and that everything happens for a reason. This time in my life is just helping me get to where God needs me to be. More than anything I just think about how wrong those people are. Not wrong in the sense that they are bad people for what they are doing because we are all sinners, but wrong as in misguided, lost, and confused. They are turning towards the wrong things, the dangerous things. I also get angry at people that do not think of the consequences of their choices, but then again, I have made those mistakes myself. It’s sad but sometimes it takes a harsh wakeup call before you change the way you’re living. God I just pray that You will help me to be more loving towards people. There is no way for me to be a witness in their life without loving them first. Help me to not get so angry, but instead be helpful.

I Turn to You Jesus

6/29

                A few days ago in the gym I began talking to the nicest elderly man. Well he was here again this morning and he was asking when I get to start my new job so I told about my cancer and upcoming surgery. He went on to tell me how he was a retired Methodist minister and that he would be praying for me. We talked for several minutes about the power of prayer and how much support it brings. That conversation was such an added blessing to my morning and I believe that God put him in my path for that reason.

                God, as my surgery date is getting closer I can tell my mood is changing. I don’t want that to happen. Lord, help me to keep my eyes on You and for my faith to remain strong. Fill my heart and mind with a peace that only You can give. I pray Jesus, that You will have Your hand in every part of this situation, especially my surgery, and that You will bring healing to my body. Please Lord, work a miracle. I will give all the glory and honor to Your name.

                Tonight while I was out on a walk by myself, listening to my newly made playlist on my IPod titled “Encouragement,” “I Turn to You,” by Selah came on. As I listened to the words of this song and thought about my current situation, the peace, faith, and even joy that I had when I first accepted the news of my cancer was restored in me. Tears began to fill my eyes as I realized that no matter how drastic my life has changed in just two weeks that if I just turn to Jesus and rely on Him that I will be ok. The way that the Lord spoke to me in this song renewed my strength. It was such an amazing blessing! Sometimes those walks by myself, letting Jesus speak to me through music, is just what I need!

“I turn to You, Jesus. I turn to You, Lord. What else can I do, Jesus? I turn to You…For the faith to move ahead and to let go of the past…” -Selah

June 26, 2012 - First Visit to UNC

                Today Mama and I left for Chapel Hill because I meet with my surgeon in the morning. From the moment we left the house this whole situation felt more real. I don’t know where I thought I was packing to go, but it didn’t hit me until we headed up I-85 to UNC. At least half of the 4hr trip I was in such a terrible mood and later tonight after supper I had to force myself not to breakdown and cry. We are staying in a big “house” provided by the hospital for patients and their families. As I was bringing in my suitcase tonight I thought about how two weeks ago, just two weeks, I had no idea what my life was about to be like. I could not believe that I was actually here, going through these motions, dealing with cancer. I was actually here at UNC waiting to meet with a surgeon. I don’t think I have been in denial about this, but being here, about to face all of the things that I have been told about, hit me like a ton of bricks.

                God I pray that You will fill me with a peace and strength that only You can provide. I am scared, Lord, but I know that You are with me and You will never leave. Help me to never forget that. Please heal me Jesus. Work a miracle. I put all of my faith and trust in You alone. Help me to feel Your Presence now more than ever. Have Your will be done in my life and bring glory and honor to Your name through me. Thank You Jesus for loving me and saving me and for all that You have done for me.

No Matter What

6/24

                
                A few days ago mama asked if I would sing “No Matter What” by Kerrie Roberts in church before my surgery. At first I said no. Part of me thought I would get up there in front of the entire church and get too emotional to even sing, the other part of me couldn’t help but think, “I’m having surgery on my tongue and neck. The doctor has said it would affect my speech. What if this is the last time I will ever sing?” I didn’t think I could handle that thought, but the more I thought about it and thought about the words of that song, I knew that I needed to sing. So today in church I pushed all those negative thoughts aside, controlled my emotions, and sang “No Matter What.” The lyrics could not have been more fitting! “I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises You. Before a heartache can ever touch my life it has to go through Your hands and even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why. No matter what I’m gonna love You. No matter what I’m gonna need You. I know that You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, I’ll trust You. No matter what.”

Those lyrics explain exactly how I have been feeling and how I want others to know how God will take care of me no matter what happens in my life. After I finished singing the whole congregation gave me a standing ovation. Then Pastor Gary put his arm around me and called any women of the church that wanted to, to come up and pray over me. Mama and Nana came up and many other wonderful women in my life. It was so special and so heartfelt. I felt the love of these ladies and the love of the Lord. Today was a day I will never forget. Of course I cried all through the prayer, but I just feel so blessed to have such a loving church family who cares so much about me. I am so thankful for that and it makes such a huge difference at a time like this.

June 22, 2012 - The Waiting Game

                I woke up this morning feeling sick to my stomach and I was a nervous wreck all the way to my doctor’s appointment. In the car on the way to the hospital mama prayed out loud and I started crying a little bit. I know that no matter what God will always take care of me, but I was still so afraid of getting back the results from yesterday’s scan. I have never been more nervous in my life! Once we got inside the hospital I had to sit there and fill out a ton of paper work while I was freezing (because of my nerves) and was shaking like a leaf. I was just ready to know my results, to get it over with. I had no clue I would be THIS nervous, anxious, and overwhelmed this morning. I have been doing so well. I guess the reality of getting my results finally set in, the possibility that the cancer could have spread. After waiting a little while we finally were put back into a room and were told just about the best news possible. Based on the scan, the doctor is almost positive that the cancer has not spread and that most likely radiation will not be needed, only surgery. My doctor was wonderful and as soon as he said those amazing words I immediately began thanking and praising God in my head as the doctor continued talking.
                Lord Jesus, You are so good! You heard our prayers and You answered them! You are so good and faithful. I will never stop thanking You for this and I will forever praise Your name! Help me to continue to receive good news as I go to my next doctor’s appointment on Wednesday in Chapel Hill to meet with my surgeon.

“But as for me, I watch in hope for the Lord, I wait for God my Savior; my God will hear me.” –Micah 7:7

“Father, help me to never be afraid; to pray for the impossible.”

“Your faith is not to help you avoid problems, but to go through problems with stability.”

“But even when I am afraid, I keep on trusting You.” –Psalm 56:3

“And He said, ‘your faith has made you well; go in peace.’” –Luke 8:48

                                                

PET Scan

6/20

                This afternoon I went to Spartanburg Regional for my PET scan. This scan will tell if the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes or anywhere else in my body. I had to be injected with a dye and then drink what they called a contrast, which was a terrible, white drink that tasted like pool water. Then I just sat and watched TV for an hour and a half while the dye got into my system. Then it was time for the scan, which only took about thirty minutes. The worst part of this experience was the nasty drink! Everybody at the hospital was so nice and I could tell they were surprised by how positive and upbeat I was about my situation. That made me happy...hoping I made an impact!

                Later this afternoon, when I got home from the hospital I got an email from the job interview I had went on month’s earlier saying I had gotten the job. The only problem is that they are unaware of my cancer, so I will not be able to start yet. Still, it is such a blessing and an answered prayer! Thank You, Jesus!

“God is at work in your life right now. He is directing your steps. What you thought was a setback is going to turn out to be a setup.”

“When we put our cares in His hands, He puts His peace in our hearts.”

“You walk beside me giving strength I’ve never known…I rely on Your patience when I face the unknown and because of You I am not alone.” –I Am Not Alone, by Natalie Grant

6/21

                Dear Jesus, tomorrow I go to see my oncologist for the first time and I will find out the results from yesterday’s scan. I have faith in You Lord, I really do, but I am also nervous. I am so scared of getting the results. I trust You with my whole heart, Lord, and I put every ounce of faith I have in You and Your power to heal me and work a miracle in this situation. So Jesus, I pray that I will get a good report at the doctor tomorrow. Please Lord, I know that with You all things are possible and I truly believe that. Please just let me get good results. I beg You, Lord! I will give You all the glory, honor, and praise that You and only You deserve.

June 16, 2012 - Breaking the News

                Today I had to break the bad news to two of my friends. I wanted to avoid those conversations for as long as possible. I was afraid that talking about my cancer would be more of a reality check than I was ready for and I didn’t want to get upset in front of anyone. I wanted my friends to know that I was going to be ok. It turned out that I was nervous for no reason. I was able to tell my friends what was going on, even going into detail, without getting the least bit upset. They couldn’t believe how positive I was being, but again, I knew that peace and calmness came only from Jesus! One of my friends said that my attitude about my current situation really shows the kind of person I am and that if I can get through this then I can get through anything! Not that I needed his approval or satisfaction, but that statement was very encouraging. Tonight one of my best friends also sent me the sweetest message: “Just in the past two days your faith has had an effect on me that wants mine to be that much stronger and I feel so many people are going to be blessed by you through this.” That one message touched my heart like nothing ever has before. Of course I don’t want to be sick, but if people notice my faith though this that would be a huge blessing.

                Lord Jesus, I pray that You will put Your healing hand on me and work and miracle and heal me from this cancer. I have the faith that You can and You will do that! God, I also pray that I will influence people’s lives because of my situation and that the lost will come to know You and people will see how having even the “faith of a mustard seed” can change their life! I love You, Jesus and I will praise Your name always!

                Later today my mood changed a good bit. I went to get my hair done, didn’t like the way it turned out, and I guess that was just the final straw…as silly as it sounds. I haven’t been sleeping good and I had a headache and I am not allowed to take any pain meds because they can thin your blood and that is a precaution for my upcoming surgery, so the one thing I wanted to make me happy was to get my hair done, so when that turned out wrong I just had a breakdown. I felt so shallow and vein getting upset about my hair at a time like this, but it honestly wasn’t even about my hair. It was simply that with everything else dragging me down this afternoon, when the one little thing I was looking forward to went wrong, I just lost it. Luckily my ill mood didn’t last long and it picked up when we went over to John and Beth’s tonight for a cookout. We had such a good time. Then tonight when we got back home Chris (my 12 yr old brother) came in my room and gave me the trophy that his team had won in their baseball tournament over the weekend. He said that he and his coach thought I should have it. Again, I cried. He has the biggest heart and that made my whole day so much better!

“I trust God with my life…after all, He gave it to me.”

“Whatever you ask for in prayer, with faith, you will receive.” –Matthew 21:22

“Oh Lord my God, I called to You for help and You healed me.” –Psalm 30:2

“It is You who made the heavens and the earth by Your great name. Nothing is too hard for You.” –Jeremiah 32:17

June 15, 2012 - Getting the News

                Yesterday afternoon I found out that I have cancer on my tongue. I will be having a scan done next week to see if there is cancer anywhere else in my body and then I will be having surgery to remove it shortly after. I am nervous but I am also extremely calm. I feel a peace that I know is only given to me by the Holy Spirit and I am so thankful for that. I don’t know how people get through times like this without Jesus in their heart. I know I couldn’t get through a single day without Him. He is the only reason that I have the strength to push on right now.

                Lord, I know that You are with me and I pray that You will work a miracle in this situation, a miracle that will bring glory to Your name and help others to come to know You! Please heal me, Jesus! I will for now and forever use this experience to bring glory and honor to You.

Here are some verses and quotes that I wrote in my journal that day:

“Refuse to be fearful about what will happen to you. God is faithful and He will take care of you if you trust Him.”  (I made this my facebook status the night I found out about my cancer.)

“When you have doubts and questions, choose to say, ‘Lord, I believe. I may not always understand, but I trust You.’”

“Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles.” –Isaiah 40:31

“Thank me for each problem you encounter, and watch to see how I transform trials into blessings.”

“Wherever you are going God has already been there and paved the way for you.” (Matthew 6:27-30)

How It All Began

    

For months I thought I had a persistent ulcer. I was so wrong. Who would have thought that at 24 years old I would have squamous cell cancer on my tongue? For 2-3 months I repeatedly saw my family doctor about this painful "ulcer." Like myself, she just assumed it was an ulcer and gave me several different prescriptions to numb the pain and attempt to make it go away. Eventually, as the pain increased, my mama made an appointment with a specialist, an ENT doctor. On June 13th I went to that doctor's appointment, by myself, thinking he would finally give me something to clear up this ulcer. I left the doctor's office that day in tears. I could not have been more shocked. He immediately did a biopsy. Of course I knew that meant cancer was a possibility. After the biopsy the doctor asked if I had any questions but by this time my mouth was full of cotton to stop the bleeding from the biopsy, my mind was spinning in a million different directions, I was about to cry, and all I wanted to do was get out of there and call my mama. How could this be happening? That night my mama tried to calm my nerves as much as possible and I was scheduled to go back to the ENT the next day to find out the results of the biopsy. That was the longest 24 hours of my life.