Restored Hope

      I've known all along this scan was coming. After the second round of chemo it is pretty standard that the doctors ask for new scans to check and see how the patient is responding to their treatment. As the date of the scan was approaching I began getting more and more anxious. By Friday, three days before the scan, I was a nervous wreck. Since my last surgery I haven't allowed myself to feel my neck because I become a hypochondriac and will without a doubt feel a knot, so I've learned that it's best for me to just let the doctors do their job and keep my hands to myself. But on Friday afternoon in the middle of my uproar, fretting over Monday's scan, I began feeling, and sure enough I felt a knot. Of course it tears my nerves up and I started crying and even though it was after hours mama gave the doctor a call. Thankfully he was still at his office and was willing to check out my neck so I could have some peace of mind over the weekend. Once again, I am so grateful for my doctors here at MD Anderson. They will do absolutely anything for their patients! Mama and I drove over to the Katy clinic, about ten minutes from our home, and my doctor felt around my neck for any new knots. Since the knot I noticed was along the incision of my previous surgery and he didn't think the knot felt like cancer reoccurrence he wasn't worried and said it was most likely just scar tissue. I was still feeling nervous about my upcoming scan but that gave me some relief.
      The weekend came and went in the blink of an eye and before I knew it Monday morning was here. My scan was first thing that morning and went by very quickly, but that's not the hard part. The most difficult part is waiting for the results. A few hours later at my doctors appointment I received the results of my scan. The results could have been worse, and I am thankful they were not, but they were far from being the results that I had been hoping and praying for. "My cancer had not responded to the chemo" were some of the hardest words I've ever had to hear. I sat there frozen. How could this be happening? I felt like every ounce of hope was fleeing from my body. The doctor went on to say that the cancer had not spread anywhere else in my body (that's the good part, and believe me, I am extremely thankful), and that we will now stop this form of treatment and go on to the second treatment, combined radiation and chemo therapy, which had been planned all along to start after my final round of this first treatment plan. My doctor was still very encouraging and very honest. The doctors here at MD Anderson are known and loved for that! She said that my cancer is still curable and she wouldn't tell me that if it wasn't true. She said that her goal, along with the rest of my team of doctors, is to cure me. At the time all of her words were going in one ear and out the other, but I trust these doctors and I know they truly care for me and above all else I know the Lord is the Ultimate Healer and He can simply heal me with the touch of His hand or He can heal me though these amazing doctors.
      I left the doctor's office Monday afternoon feeling worse than I ever have in my entire life. Satan was on my back making me feel hopeless, filling my head with negative thoughts. My hope and faith was at the lowest point of my life. I wasn't feeling mad at God or angry for Him allowing this to happen to me, I was just sad. That's the only way to explain it. Pure sadness. I was relying on that scan for hope. A boost of confidence that the chemo was working towards healing me. All I wanted was a reassurance of hope. I kept saying that over and over all afternoon and ended up crying myself to sleep. Then my prayer for hope was answered. Later that evening I received a phone call from a friend of a friend, a man I've never met. He had heard about me and the news I received and wanted to talk with me and share his story. He was in my shoes almost nine years ago and today he is cancer free. He not only had my same type of cancer, both on the base of his tongue and in his lymph nodes, but he also did not respond to chemo therapy, but radiation did the trick! My new friend was so encouraging to me and the Lord used this conversation to restore my hope, just like I asked Him to. Such an answered prayer. My new friend answered any questions I had, told me all about the radiation process, discussed any of the feelings I am experiencing because unless you have been there you can't feel my pain. It was so nice to talk with someone who has been in my shoes. It is so amazing how this man and I even crossed paths. The Lord has placed the most amazing people in my life since we moved to Texas! He knew we would need these people to stand by us, care for us, and be our prayer warriors and I am so thankful! I also received more encouraging news on Tuesday morning when mama talked on the phone with my oncologist from back home in Spartanburg. I don't know what it is about this doctor but something about him can always calm my nerves and he is the most caring doctor I've ever met. If I could put him in my pocket and carry him around with me, I would! Anyways, he told mama that it is not uncommon for my type of cancer to not respond to chemo therapy but that doctors always try that treatment first in order to shrink the tumors, but like my doctor here in Texas said, radiation is used to cure this cancer and he is very hopeful and confident that this method of treatment will cure me. Of course I wish the chemo had worked for me, but it helps knowing that I'm not the only one, that this isn't uncommon. My oncologist also told mama tips for me during radiation, how important it is for me to gain some weight, to continue eating and drinking for as long as I can, etc. He also always says that he and his wife are praying for me and that means more to me than anything else! He is so precious and I would recommend him to any cancer patient!
      I keep thinking back to Sunday morning during church. I couldn't stay focused and I was praying and flipping through my Bible asking God to speak to me. I kept getting frustrated that my sad, worried thoughts about my upcoming scan were taking over my mind so I was about to close my Bible and give up when a verse that I had previously underlined, probably years ago, caught my eye. Psalm 103:3 says, "who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases." I had underlined "heals all your diseases." How amazing is that? I started tearing up and the biggest smile came cross my face. I never mentioned this to anyone, until writing this I've just kept it to myself, but the Lord spoke so clearly to me. He led me straight to that scripture and on days when I'm feeling hopeless or discouraged I'm just going to remind myself of that! God is so good!

"Don't be discouraged by closed doors. If God wants a door to open, all the forces of darkness cannot stop it."

"GOD is the reason why even in pain, I smile; in confusion, I understand; in betrayal, I trust; and in fear, I FIGHT."

"Never will I leave you. Never will I forsake you." -Hebrews 13:5 *Talk about a promise!*

"The sick are healed and the dead are raised at the sound of Your Great Name."