It feels so strange being back home. I have only been back for two days but I've had very mixed emotions. Surprising my family was priceless. Walking out of the bedroom of my Nana and Papa's house and seeing the shock on everyone's face was the best feeling. You would've thought they had seen a ghost. I have never seen them more surprised in my life! After surprising most of my family we drove up to the high school and surprised my uncle Ty while he was coaching baseball practice. It was weird simply driving around town. It's so different than where we live in Texas...a couple stop lights, no traffic, no 12 lane highways like I-10!
Mama always says "Everything is worse at nighttime," so I blame that for the little breakdown I had my first night back at home, but unfortunately I've had a couple more since then. It's much harder being home than I ever expected. In Texas, being sick is my life. Out there that's all I know and all I'm used to in that environment, but here, at home, that's not the case. It's hard being back home and not feeling like "me," and being able to go to work, go out in public without worrying about germs and getting sick, being able to see everyone and do everything that I'm used to. As weird as it may sound, at first it even felt strange being back in my house. It didn't feel like my house anymore, my room didn't feel like mine...it didn't feel lived in because my stuff isn't here. My house and my room feel like they are in Texas right now. Don't get me wrong, it feels so good seeing my family and friends again, but knowing that this isn't my permanent home right now and that I have to go back to my life in Texas in just a few days seems to put a damper on things.
I'm not sure if I would rather be home or in Texas when this happened, but I didn't have a choice. Last night on my Nana's couch my hair started falling out. I knew it would start happening any day now and I had prepared myself as best as I could, but really there's no way to fully prepare yourself for that. Simply laying on the couch and running your hand through your hair and strands coming out between your fingers is such a bizarre feeling. Of course I knew this was going to happen but I was still a little shocked that I was actually experiencing it. I just held the hair and cried to Mama. It's not so much about the hair itself, but not having hair will just be a constant reminder that I'm sick. Everyone who sees a young girl without hair knows she must be a cancer patient. That is the first thing they notice about her..."She must be sick." I don't want that for myself. I don't want everyone to view me simply as a cancer patient. Yes, I have a wig that I will start wearing most of the time, and I'm very thankful for it, but still, losing my hair is hard. Today more of my hair has been falling out, in clumps rather than strands, so tomorrow I'm going to go ahead and get it cut short so I don't have to deal with this anymore. I just have to remind myself that it's just hair, it will grow back, this chemo is doing it's job and eating up this cancer so a few months wearing a wig is no big deal! My wig is fabulous anyway!
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