Conditional Faith?

January 4, 2012

         Ever since going to visit Dr. Fried a couple weeks ago my new obsession is checking my neck. I used to only focus on examining my mouth but lately I find myself constantly feeling my neck. Tonight while at a restaurant in Greenville with Emma I didn't even realize I was rubbing the sides of my neck when suddenly I felt a knot. I knew I wasn't overreacting or imagining this. I actually felt something in the right side of my neck. I could barely even eat my supper. I started crying right there in the middle of the restaurant and Emma tried her best to calm my nerves. After we left Emma felt my neck and like I suspected, she felt the knot too. I was trying not to get too worked up over the knot, even though that wasn't working too well, because I knew I had just been checked a couple of weeks ago, plus I had just been sick so it could have simply been a swollen gland or lymph node. Yes, those explanations made sense, but to a recent cancer patient, it didn't matter. To me, a knot, meant panic. All the way back home I barely said a word even though Emma tried to make conversation. All I could think was "what if it's back?" Inside I was completely freaking out. Then it hit me, what did that say about my faith? Had I only had so much faith over the summer, when I had cancer, because things turned out how I wanted them to...because God answered my prayers exactly like I wanted Him to? What if I didn't have as much faith as I thought I did? I couldn't help but think that's what my current situation, my fear, was revealing about myself. I thought back to the song I sang right before I had surgery. "No matter what I'm gonna love You. No matter what I'm gonna trust You..." Is that really how I would feel if I had cancer again? That thought really scared me. What if I didn't have that much faith? I know I would be absolutely nothing without my faith and the thought that my faith is lacking is terrifying! What if I got cancer again and didn't put my strength or faith in God like I did last time? I would never make it! Being this paranoid about my cancer returning is no way to live, but tonight was also a wake up call for my faith. Maybe my faith was being tested tonight...maybe God just wanted me to think about how much my faith really meant to me.