Why Do I Doubt?

2/8/13

      Yesterday I went to the hospital in Houston for an ultrasound of my thyroid. When I had my CT and PET scans last week the doctors saw a spot on my thyroid that they wanted to take a closer look at. My oncologist said it was very unlikely that I would have two types of cancer, squamous cell carcinoma and thyroid cancer, but they would need to do an ultrasound and possibly a biopsy to know for sure. My doctor went on to say how if I have thyroid cancer it won't necessarily be a huge deal. I'm thinking "Yeaaaah right!" He said it would mean another surgery and my treatment plan would change. At first I thought "Great, something else for me to worry about for the next few days," but really I haven't been thinking too much about it. I think since my doctor seemed so easy going about it that it put me at ease. Well that all changed when I got to the hospital for the ultrasound this morning. From the moment I put on the hospital gown I turned into a wreck. I couldn't stop crying to save my life. Mama sat beside me as I waited in this special waiting area behind a curtain. She held my hand and prayed with me, trying so hard to calm my nerves. I just couldn't stand the thought of more cancer. As I sat there trying to pull myself together the nurse came to the other side of the curtain to get another patient for his ultrasound. Then Mama heard him say "Take that little girl first. I can wait". The nurse didn't do as he asked but that was okay. It was the thought that counted. That man knew nothing about me, knew nothing about my situation or why I was having an ultrasound, but he knew I was clearly upset and was willing to put me before himself. Somehow that calmed my nerves a little bit, just knowing that there are such sweet people still in the world. I know that was a God thing! A few minutes later it was time for my ultrasound. The ultrasound technician was precious. I know God put her in my path for a reason and she felt the same way. She was a cancer patient herself and was currently going through chemo therapy. She said she doesn't share her story with all her patients but she thought I should hear it as encouragement. She was so uplifting! God knew that was exactly what I needed to hear! The ultrasound couldn't go by fast enough! It seemed to take forever. Images were taken of my entire neck so the radiologist could look at my lymph nodes and my thyroid. Finally after the ultrasound was over the nurse came in and said that nothing showed up on my thyroid (thank God) but that there was a lymph node on the left side of my neck that looked strange so they wanted to biopsy it. I was so relieved that nothing showed up on my thyroid! No thyroid cancer! Praise God! Another miracle! Even though a biopsy was needed for a lymph node on the left side of my neck I wasn't upset at all because at UNC cancer showed up in those lymph nodes on the PET scan, just not on my newest scan here at MD Anderson, so if cancer was in just this one left lymph node I wouldn't be too surprised. Plus, before my last surgery I had felt a knot in the upper left side of my neck, like when I found the knot of cancer on the other side, so I just thought I had diagnosed myself once again! Anyways, long story short the radiologist took a biopsy of that lymph node, and the sweet ultrasound technician held my hand the entire time! i am so thankful for her! About thirty minutes later the results came back and it Was NOT cancer! It was just some type of gland in my neck that was possibly swollen or something. I don't exactly remember how she described it because at that point I didn't care! I was just in awe of how great this day had turned out. God had saved me TWICE in one day! Amazing! I don't know why I continue to doubt him! It reminds me of this passage from the bible:

"Lord, if it's You," Peter replied, "tell me to come to You on the water." "Come," He said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out His hand and caught him. "You of little faith," He said, "why did you doubt?" And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. -Matthew 14:28-32